Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart

Hell.

Homer

BART!

Bart

What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?

Homer

Kid's got a point, Marge.

Bart

Hell yes!

Marge

Bart.

Bart

[sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge

Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Skinner

Sweet Lord, it is! [sees Bart's name written in huge letters in the grass with herbicide] SIMPSON!!!!!! [Bart gulps; cut to the principal's office] Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field, that you would be caught?

Bart

Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.

Skinner

THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!!!

Bart

Uh-oh.

Skinner

The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident, makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. [point to the sign "In Emergency Breaks Glass"] Call your father immediately.

Bart

Hello? Is Homer there?

Homer who?

Bart

Homer... [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] ...Sexual.

Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.

Homer

Don't look at me!

Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, [we see Skinner holding a phone] I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!

Skinner

[insulted] You'll do what, young man?!

[taken aback] What, what, wait, who is this?

Skinner

I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!?

[realizes his mistake] Whoa whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry, it's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

Homer

Doh! What's he done now?

Grampa

Pull your chair closer, my son.

Homer

What is it, Dad?

Grampa

Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.

Homer

Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

Bart

Bye, Unkie Herb.

Lisa

Goodbye, Unkie Herb.

Marge

Goodbye, Herb.

Homer

Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.

Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! [boards bus that just arrived] As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! [bus closes doors and leaves]

Marge

[consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

Lisa

His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Homer

[answers phone] Yello?

Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again! I'm calling the dog warden right now!

Homer

Oh, are you?! Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-axe! Because my dog is tied up in the backyard!

There's only one family on this block — no, on Earth — inconsiderable enough to let a monster like that roam free!

Homer

D'oh! [grunts] Are you losing your hearing or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is NOT my dog!!! I TIED MY DOG OUTSIDE MYSELF!!! [looks at backyard] I AM LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT- D'OH!!!

Ned

Well, hi-diddly-do, Simpson.

Bart

I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.

Lisa

No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.

Homer

Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No?

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No?!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No!!!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

NO!!!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

No! No! No! NOOO! If I take you, will you two shut up and QUIT BUGGING ME?!

Lisa

Yeah, of course!

Bart

Well?

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?

Homer

YES!

Thanks, dad!

Bart

Hey, who's the mop-top with the big schnoz?

Homer

Don't you know anything, boy? That's Ringo Starr. [Notices Marge's signature in the bottom corner] Hey. Your mother must have painted this. I guess she thought he was kind of cute. [Flipping through the stack of paintings including one of Ringo without a shirt and another of Marge and Ringo getting married] What?? Hey! What the--? MARGE!

Marge

Now Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl, The Beatles were very popular and I had a crush on them.

Homer

[Muttering to himself] A likely story..

Mr. Simpson, I'm going to be presumptuous. I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model.

Homer

She said that?

Well...no, she didn't say it, but, you know, she-

Homer

But you can tell, right? She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, "Why me?! What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...?!" [cries]

Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man. There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.

Homer

[perking up again] Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!

I am giving her an A.

Homer

Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.

Mr. Simpson, she did earn it.

Homer

You are smooth, I'll give you that.

Homer

Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called daddy a baboon?

Lisa

[angrily] No!

Homer

Nuts. [accidentally sits on her dollhouse] D'oh! This isn't going well at all...

Lisa

Look, if you just want me to forgive you-

Homer

No, no, no, I just wish I knew what to say. [opens her music box, activating it] Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special and it hurt. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. [Lisa groans; patting her head] It's true. Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together, and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. [sighs] Ah well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at...monkey work. [smiling] You know - "monkey"? You know what I mean? [nudges her playfully]

Lisa

[cheering up a bit] Yeah...

Homer

I can hold these nails in place with my tail. [chuckles and makes monkey noises]

Lisa

[starting to laugh with him] You're so silly.

Homer

Gimme a banana!

Lisa

I don't have any bananas!

Homer

Come on, you're holding out on me! [lifts her up and makes more monkey noises as they both keep laughing]

Lisa

I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.

Homer

Think nothing of it.

Homer

About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart

I understand why. You were wasted.

Homer

I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

Bart

Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Bart

[grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.

Homer

What's the problem, boy?

Bart

I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.

Homer

Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.

Bart

Really?

Homer

Nah.

Bart

Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.

Homer

[sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Mayor Quimby

Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!

[lights up] RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Ooh! [strong applause]

MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.

Oh. [moderate applause]

MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY. [weak applause] CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.

Homer

Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!

Bart

[about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...

Homer

Uh-huh...

Bart

Was in my hand...

Homer

Yeah...

Homer

[shouting] D'OOOOOOOOH!!! [upset] Why did you do that?!

Bart

Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured-

Homer

[turns red with anger] I'LL SHOW YOU "MAD IN THE MORNING"! [starts strangling Bart]

Marge

Homer, you encouraged him! You should be strangling yourself!

Homer

[sobbing as he tries] She's right! Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time! [yanks Bart away]

Homer

[speaking in a deeper voice but otherwise having made no attempt whatsoever to disguise himself] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?

Homer

[pause] I...don't know. [cut to Homer and Bart, sitting on the staircase outside the post office, looking dejected; sarcastically] Great plan, Bart.