Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[as Bart takes a picture of him in the bathroom] Bart! What are you doing?

Bart

Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is a top secret.

Marge

Oh, Bart.

Bart

What?

Marge

Go take some wildlife pictures.

Homer

One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.

You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?

Homer

Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles; Apu hands him his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off] Oh. Liberty Bell. [scratches some more and gasps] Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please! [scratches to reveal a plum] D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?

Marge

[holding up a picture of Homer and Princess Kashmir] What is the meaning of this?!

Homer

Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.

Marge

Princess who?!

Bart

[walks by] Hey, my photo!

Your photo?!

Bart

Uh-oh.

Homer

Why you little- [about to choke Bart]

Marge

Why you big- [chokes Homer] Bart, go to your room!

Bart

I'm outta here. [leaves]

Homer

Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-

Marge

Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.

Homer

What are you saying, honey? But where will I sleep?

Marge

My suggestion...is for you to sleep in the filth you created!

Homer

Would a motel be okay? [Marge slams the door in Homer's face. Sadly, he walks away from his house and heads for his car. Marge opens the house door] Oh, I knew you'd come to your-

Marge

[throws a suitcase at Homer] Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will. [closes the door as she goes back inside]

Principal Skinner

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.

Marge

Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer

Hear him out, Marge.

How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?

Lisa

I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!

Can not.

Lisa

Can too.

Can not!

Lisa

Can too!

Homer

Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.

Homer

The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call them "The Gruesome Twosome."

Sideshow Bob

[disguised as Krusty] Ow! My foot, you lousy stupid clumsy...!!!

Homer

Sorry, pal. [gasps in horror when he notices Krusty holding a handgun and dives head first into a potato chip display]

Sideshow Bob

[disguised as Krusty and drawing his gun at Apu] Hand over all your money in a paper bag!

Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know. [hands over a paper bag after which Krusty flees] You can emerge now from my chips. [Homer peaks his head] The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Lisa

Aw, come on, Bart, not again!

Bart

[dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Hello, is Al there?

Al?

Bart

Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.

Lemme check. [calls] Phone call for Al! Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here?! [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute... [to the phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you! [hangs up]

Homer

[depressed] I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.

Marge

This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.

Wait a minute. The Simpsons? [looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior] Lady, you've got to be kidding! [slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later] Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.

Homer

Hello, this is Mr. S...Sampson.

[sensing something fishy] Did your wife just call a second ago?

Homer

No, I said Sampson, not Simpson.

[visibly relieved] Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!

Homer

[angrily] D'oh! [trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

Bart

This way to the scene of the crime, men! I got her tied up in the den.

Homer

[angrily grabs Bart] Just a minute, young man! I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your baby-sitter and pay her off so that--

Excuse me. Are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious Baby-sitter Bandit?

Homer

The what?

The Baby-sitter Bandit.

Homer

So I say, forget you pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.

Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.

Homer

D'oh! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny. Are you gonna use your sauce? Dry fish sticks! This sucks.

Carl

Quit complaining, chrome-dome.

Homer

D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!

You don't belong here.

Homer

Huh?

You don't belong here. You're a fraud, a phoney, and it's only a matter of time 'til they find you out.

Homer

[gasps] Who told you?

You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the...the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester! [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.

Homer

I-I-

Trust me, Homer!

Homer

I...

Take a step and say it!

Homer

I deserve this...

Louder!

Homer

I DESERVE THIS!

SHOUT IT!

Homer

I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!

I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.

Homer

YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!

Let's go shopping!

Homer

[comes in] Bart! What are you doing?!

Bart

Uh-oh. [accidentally drops the Dimoxinil, and it spills all over the floor]

Homer

[turns red with anger] Why, you little..! [Bart cowardly runs out of his father's room screaming, as the latter furiously chases him, angrily growling. He clumsily trips over the lamp and angrily strangles Bart] Boy must die!

Bart

I love you, Dad!

Homer

D'oh! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!

Bart

It is?!

I just came to say goodbye to the gals in the typing pool.

Homer

Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Carl, but I can't give it. [takes off his hat] Look at me!

I guess I hadn't taught you anything!

Homer

What do you mean?

Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss's hands, you did it all! It was never the hair! You did it because you believed you could, and you still can.

Homer

No, I can't. I'm such a big fool!

Oh no, you're not!

Homer

How do you know?

Because my mother taught me to never kiss a fool!

Mr. Burns

[angry over Homer's failed speech] Well, well...our dashing young junior executive. You made a mockery of our meeting! I should fire you on the spot! [calms down] But I'm not going to.

Homer

[confused] Why?

Mr. Burns

How old do you think I am?

Homer

I don't know...102?

Mr. Burns

I'm only 81. [produces photo album. First photo shows him as a baby with a full head of hair] You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. [subsequent photos show him playing sports and at school dances] Oh, I was big man on campus, until my senior year... [final photo shows him in a lab with a receding hairline] ...when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. [sadly] You see, Simpson...I too know the sting of...male-patterned baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.

Homer

What? [bends his knees] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mr. Burns

Oh, now get outta here before I reconsider.

Homer

Oh. [gets up and leaves] Better hurry up.

Marge

I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.

Homer

Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars, [he's suddenly lifted up] we're talking about a few thousand dollars! [realizes this and freaks out screaming as he hits the ceiling backwards] It's got great high ceilings! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Uh, tell you what. [gets up] Let's sleep on it, okay?

Marge

Mmmm...Okay. Whatever happens...

Homer

What could happen?