Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!

Jan

I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.

Michael

I am sorry too.

Jan

But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!

Michael

Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?

Jan

I hate my life.

Dwight

So what do we know about her?

Michael

Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.

Dwight

I hate her, too.

Michael

Why do you hate her?

Dwight

Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.

Michael

You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Dwight

Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael

Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Michael

Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?

Jim

I would like to lose 65 pounds.

Michael

Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?

Angela

No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.

Michael

If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?

Jim

Cryogenics. Beer me five.

Michael

This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Meredith

[About Kelly] I like her nails.

Michael

Okay, be more specific.

Meredith

I like her finger nails.

Oscar

That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy

I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!

Oscar

Exactly, Andy.

Andy

Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.

Dwight

It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Andy

No, that's... not how it works.

Michael

I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Jim

Toby works here again.

Michael

Oh, can you imagine?

Jim

Oh no. You don't know.

Michael

I don't know. What?

Jim

You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's... See if he's back.

Michael

Dare I? [chuckles] You know what, I'm going to, for old time's sake.

Michael

Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go to the annex.

Toby

Hey, Michael--

Michael

[visibly horrified] NOOOO, GOD! No, God, please, no! No! NO! [a short pause] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Michael

You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.

Toby

I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael. Did you?

Michael

Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?

Toby

You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.

Michael

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, GOD! [scoffs] Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.

Michael

Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.

Oscar

Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.

Michael

Ho-oh!

Oscar

So you have an extra dollar.

Michael

Yeah.

Oscar

So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...

Michael

I'll be six.

Dwight

Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.

Michael

That is true.

Dwight

Yes.

Michael

That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.

Dwight

Yeah.

Michael

Jan...Ryan.

David Wallace

How could you possibly think this was a good idea?

Dwight

Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.

Michael

Electricity.

Dwight

Shampoo.

Dwight

Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

I have no idea.

Dwight

Anyone else?

Phyllis

We bury him.

Dwight

Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Creed

He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael

He is an organ donor.

Dwight

He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!

Angela

Oh my God! Dwight!

Kelly

Dwight!

Angela

What are you doing?!

Dwight

We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Stanley

I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.

Michael

I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.

Pam

What?

Michael

Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. [clears throat] Jim, you’re 6’11”, and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Well, there you are. I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.

Michael

Oscar, you are…[starts giggling] Oscar [chuckles], you’re gay.

Oscar

Wow.

Michael

Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

Michael

[about Holly] She has a boyfriend.

Pam

I'm so sorry, Michael.

Michael

How could she do this to me, Pam?

Pam

She's not doing it to hurt you.

Michael

I can't do the presentation, I can't-... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God!

Pam

Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but...

Michael

I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay?

Pam

You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.

Michael

And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.

Pam

Yeah, maybe.

Michael

It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly

Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith

She could be your soul mate.

Dwight

Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Dwight

Knock, knock.

Michael

Who's there?

Dwight

The KGB.

Michael

The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Dwight

VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!

Jim

Ding dong.

Michael

Who's there?

Jim

The KGB.

Michael

...Dwight, get the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering the door.

Michael

Answer the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering it.

Jim

Ding dong.

Dwight

No way, its the KGB.

Jim

Ding dong, ding dong.

Dwight

I'm not gonna answer it.

Jim

[slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!

Dwight

...It's true.