Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.

Andy

Hey-oh!

No, it is not.

Michael

No, it is not.

Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Michael

Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Okay, Michael.

Michael

Okay, Michael.

No, seriously.

Michael

No, seriously.

How old are you?

Michael

How old are you?

Pam

I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Michael

Stanley!

Stanley

Can't you see I'm urinating?

Michael

Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.

Stanley

No.

Michael

Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...

Stanley

No.

Michael

You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.

Stanley

No I didn't.

Dwight

You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!

Michael

Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.

Dwight

And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

Michael

[tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Michael

I have no shortage of company names.

David Wallace

Michael...

Michael

That's one of them.

Michael

How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

Jim

Michael, we only told our parents last week.

Michael

Did you pee on a stick?

Jim

I did. It was inconclusive.

Michael

You should've told me.

Pam

You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.

Michael

I'm going in for a procedure today.

Oscar

Is everything ok?

Michael

Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.

Oscar

I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?

Michael

It is a colonoscopy.

Oscar

Ok.

Michael

In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?

Oscar

Yeah. [leaves]

Michael

You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.

Jim

You mean on a weekend.

Michael

...Yes.

Pam

Michael, let me make this very easy for you. I could give a shit about your happiness, stop dating my mother!

Michael

You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.

Michael

The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. You can only make fun of things that they have control over. Like Oscar, is gay. That is his choice. We can make fun of that. I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.

Toby

Michael, you still can't make fun of people for race or gender or sexual orientation.

Michael

Who let—Who let the lemonhead into the room? You are a waste of life, and you should give up...is what I want to say, but I won't because that is why we're doing this right now. So Toby, welcome to sensitivity training. For real.

Michael

I am going to give you a raise.

Pam

Why?

Michael

Because of all the good work you've done.

Pam

I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.

Michael

That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.

Pam

I have the worst attitude of any person here.

Michael

Do you want the raise or what?

Pam

Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]

Michael

Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.

Pam

You're bribing me?

Michael

No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--

Pam

I want to hit you.

Michael

What?

Pam

I want to hit you. I'll do that.

Michael

[in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.

Andy

Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?

Michael

Definitely.

Dwight

Smells like it.

Michael

Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.

Dwight

Word.

Andy

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Michael

David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.

David

I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.

Michael

I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.

David

Michael...

Michael

I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis--a woman--has uslurped my role as Santa.

This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?

Jim

I don't think so.

Michael?

Michael

Forget the question.

I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.

Michael

I humbly accept the management position.

Jim

Why would you just say something like that?

Michael

Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.

Michael

Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.

Erin

Hey.

Kevin

Hi.

Erin

I have really enjoyed our time together.

Kevin

Yeah, me too.

Erin

I want to continue working on our friendship.

Kevin

Really, really fun.

Erin

Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.

Kevin

Yeah, me too.

Erin

And, you're my friend.

Kevin

Yeah.

Erin

And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...

Kevin

Yeah.

Michael

Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?

Kevin

You said she liked me.

Michael

Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.