Toby Flenderson quotes from The Office (US)

Toby

I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that... wow. Genius.

Toby

This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case, when it inevitably goes to trial.

Toby

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?

Toby

Well, I was in the seminary for a year and dropped out because I wanted to have sex with this girl Cathy. Followed her back to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in HR. Later she divorced me. So, no I wouldn't say I have a passion for HR.

Toby

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.

Toby

[looking up at the church ceiling] Why you always got to be so mean to me?

Toby

[about Dwight] Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing: "You can't bring weapons into the office." And every year, he says the same thing: "As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you."

Toby

Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.

Dwight

[to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?

Toby

[talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Toby

Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?

Michael

You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Toby

Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?

Michael

Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.

Dwight

[bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!

Toby

C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Jim

Toby works here again.

Michael

Oh, can you imagine?

Jim

Oh no. You don't know.

Michael

I don't know. What?

Jim

You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's... See if he's back.

Michael

Dare I? [chuckles] You know what, I'm going to, for old time's sake.

Michael

Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go to the annex.

Toby

Hey, Michael--

Michael

[visibly horrified] NOOOO, GOD! No, God, please, no! No! NO! [a short pause] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Michael

You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.

Toby

I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael. Did you?

Michael

Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?

Toby

You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.

Michael

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, GOD! [scoffs] Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.

Oscar

Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Toby

[In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...