Kevin Malone quotes from The Office (US)

Kevin

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Kevin

I have very little patience for stupidity.

Kevin

So me think, why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?

Kevin

Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

Kevin

So, Dwight doesn't understand what a silent auction is. [Chuckles to himself] I guess he's the 'stupid guy' in the office, huh? Cause up 'til now, we didn't have one.

Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?

Jim

Cute, sure.

Why don't you get on that?

Jim

She's not really my type.

What are you, gay?

Jim

Mmm... I don't think so, nope.

Kevin

Well what is your type?

Jim

Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.

That is disgusting.

Kevin

Stay away from my mom.

Jim

Too late, Kev.

Phyllis

Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.

Kevin

Kevin Malone.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Stanley

Stanley Hudson.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan

Ryan Howard.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan

What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael

And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed

I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith

Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin

This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Stanley

Find anything?

Kevin

I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.

Oscar

Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?

Stanley

Can't you guys do it?

Oscar

'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Michael

Good news.

Stanley

We get to go home?

Michael

Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?

Kevin

Wait. Alfredo's Pizza Café? Or Pizza by Alfredo?

Michael

Same thing.

Michael

You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.

Kevin

Oscar, talk to him.

Oscar

Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?

Michael

Pizza by Alfredo.

Michael

Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all-you-can-eat of pretty good pizza?

Medium amount of good pizza.

Kevin

Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Holly

[thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!

Kevin

Hi.

Holly

What do you do?

Kevin

I do the numbers.

Holly

Oh, good for you!

Kevin

You want an M&M?

Holly

Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.

Kevin

I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.

Holly

Well, that is a very safe place for them.

Kevin

[smiling] Yeah.

Kevin

Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.

Okay.

Kevin

I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.

Okay.

Kevin

Nice. [looks down] Boobs.

Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.

Kevin

They were stolen?

No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.

Kevin

But that was my only pair of shoes.

It became a safety issue, sir.

Pam

Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.

Meredith

Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.

Pam

I do not.

Andy

Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.

Kevin

Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.

Andy

Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?

Kevin

He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Erin

Did you grow up around here?

Kevin

No.

Erin

So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?

Kevin

Yes.