Stanley Hudson quotes from The Office (US)

Stanley

It's like I used to tell my wife: I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Stanley

I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Stanley

Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.

Stanley

Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.

Stanley

I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!

Stanley

I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle. Which I intend to.

Phyllis

Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.

Kevin

Kevin Malone.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Stanley

Stanley Hudson.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan

Ryan Howard.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan

What line of work you in, Bob?

Stanley

[after Kelly tells him about Ryan talking to Stanley's daughter] That little girl is a child. I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?

Ryan

Yes s-

Stanley

Boy, have you lost your mind, 'cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus is gonna come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!

Ryan

Okay.

Ryan

Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Michael

I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.

Stanley

You can't cancel a holiday.

Michael

Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.

Stanley

What's that mean?

Michael

Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Michael

Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.

Stanley

Oh sweet mother of God.

Michael

If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.

Stanley

Excuse me.

Michael

Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.

Dwight

Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?

Stanley

No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.

Dwight

What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?

Stanley

The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Michael

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Dwight

WHERE!!?

Phyllis

WHEN!!?

Michael

It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.

Stanley

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?

Stanley

Find anything?

Kevin

I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.

Oscar

Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?

Stanley

Can't you guys do it?

Oscar

'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Michael

Good news.

Stanley

We get to go home?

Michael

Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?

Kevin

Wait. Alfredo's Pizza Café? Or Pizza by Alfredo?

Michael

Same thing.

Michael

You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.

Kevin

Oscar, talk to him.

Oscar

Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?

Michael

Pizza by Alfredo.

Michael

Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all-you-can-eat of pretty good pizza?

Medium amount of good pizza.

Kevin

Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Holly

Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time wasters?

Stanley

This meeting.