Oscar Martinez quotes from The Office (US)

Oscar

Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Oscar

I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.

Oscar

Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Oscar

Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

Oscar

Our office has an unusually large number of, unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Oscar

[who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.

Michael

I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Stanley

Find anything?

Kevin

I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.

Oscar

Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?

Stanley

Can't you guys do it?

Oscar

'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Michael

Good news.

Stanley

We get to go home?

Michael

Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?

Kevin

Wait. Alfredo's Pizza Café? Or Pizza by Alfredo?

Michael

Same thing.

Michael

You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.

Kevin

Oscar, talk to him.

Oscar

Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?

Michael

Pizza by Alfredo.

Michael

Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all-you-can-eat of pretty good pizza?

Medium amount of good pizza.

Kevin

Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Michael

We'll ask Powerpoint.

Oscar

Michael, this is a presentation tool.

Michael

You're a presentation tool!

Michael

I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!

Oscar

I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Michael

I didn't say it. I declared it.

Oscar

That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy

I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!

Oscar

Exactly, Andy.

Andy

Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.

Dwight

It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Andy

No, that's... not how it works.

Michael

I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Michael

Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.

Oscar

Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.

Michael

Ho-oh!

Oscar

So you have an extra dollar.

Michael

Yeah.

Oscar

So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...

Michael

I'll be six.

Michael

I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.

Pam

What?

Michael

Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. [clears throat] Jim, you’re 6’11”, and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Well, there you are. I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.

Michael

Oscar, you are…[starts giggling] Oscar [chuckles], you’re gay.

Oscar

Wow.

Michael

Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

Michael

I'm going in for a procedure today.

Oscar

Is everything ok?

Michael

Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.

Oscar

I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?

Michael

It is a colonoscopy.

Oscar

Ok.

Michael

In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?

Oscar

Yeah. [leaves]

Oscar

Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Toby

[In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...