Angela Martin quotes from The Office (US)

Angela

I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Angela

I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

Angela

Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Dwight

[deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Michael

I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!

Angela

Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?

Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!

Jim

Where did you learn all of this?

Internet.

Jim

So, not prison.

And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jim

What did you do, Prison Mike?

I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.

Jim

That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.

And I never got caught neither!

Jim

Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

Dwight

Sabotage.

Angela

What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?

Dwight

No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

Angela

I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.

Dwight

If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Angela

[after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?

Dwight

Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Angela

I can't do this. I can't do it.

Michael

Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?

Angela

Okay. Okay.

Michael

No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Jan

I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?

Michael

I don't like that story, babe.

Jan

Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Michael

Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.

Jan

You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!

Michael

[laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Angela

...You shouldn't say that.

Andy

Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?

Angela

...Okay.

Andy

Into the mic, sweetie.

Angela

I said, okay.

Andy

She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Michael

Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?

Jim

I would like to lose 65 pounds.

Michael

Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?

Angela

No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.

Michael

If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?

Jim

Cryogenics. Beer me five.

Michael

This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Andy

What's that smell?

Dwight

You're going to need to be more specific.

Angela

It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.

Dwight

Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.

Angela

You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?

Dwight

You want to eat, don't you?

Jim

Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.

Angela

I'm not voting.

Jim

No one cares.

Dwight

Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

I have no idea.

Dwight

Anyone else?

Phyllis

We bury him.

Dwight

Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Creed

He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael

He is an organ donor.

Dwight

He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!

Angela

Oh my God! Dwight!

Kelly

Dwight!

Angela

What are you doing?!

Dwight

We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Stanley

I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.

Dwight

Bear my child.

Angela

Excuse me?

Dwight

I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Pam

Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.

Angela

News flash: If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.

Pam

Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.

Angela

That is where we disagree.