The Office (US) quotes

370 total quotes

All Seasons
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Alan: There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Dwight: Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]

Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?
Angela: ...Okay.
Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela: I said, okay.
Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!
Season 5

Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Andy: Hey, any fun weekend plans?
Erin: No, you?
Andy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?
Erin: Nothing. It's wide open.
Andy: Okay.
[cuts to Andy in an interview]
Andy: That's as hard as I can hint.

Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.

Andy: I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.

Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight: Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Andy: What e-mails are you talking about?
Dwight: "Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
Andy: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight: "PS: We should kill him."

Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.

Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her, so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, "Whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early!" I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years.

Andy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.

Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.