Jan Levinson quotes from The Office (US)

Jan

Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I'm very nervous.

Jan

And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."

Jan

I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?

Jan

People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Jan

Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?

Michael

No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Jan

I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.

Michael

I don't understand.

Jan

The board voted last night to close your branch.

Michael

On whom's authority?

Jan

The board's.

Michael

Jan? You complete me.

Jan

...Oh god.

Michael

I love you, Jan.

Jan

Okay.

Michael

No need for consternation. Everything is under control.

Jan

Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!

Michael

It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Jan

I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?

Michael

I don't like that story, babe.

Jan

Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Michael

Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.

Jan

You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!

Michael

[laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Angela

...You shouldn't say that.

Michael

When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!

Jan

I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.

Michael

I am sorry too.

Jan

But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!

Michael

Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?

Jan

I hate my life.