Meredith Palmer quotes from The Office (US)

Meredith

I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Meredith

Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Meredith

[reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."

Michael

Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.

Meredith

I... get it.

Michael

And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed

I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith

Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin

This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Meredith

[About Kelly] I like her nails.

Michael

Okay, be more specific.

Meredith

I like her finger nails.

Michael

It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly

Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith

She could be your soul mate.

Dwight

Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Pam

Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.

Meredith

Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.

Pam

I do not.

Andy

Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.

Kevin

Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.

Andy

Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?

Kevin

He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Meredith

That is something I would never do.

Michael

Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.

Meredith

Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.

Meredith

I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Andy

Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?

Oscar

Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?

Andy

Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.

Meredith

Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.

Andy

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam

In costumes!

Jim

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

And cups of coffee.

Kevin

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

Dwight

[about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.

Meredith

Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.

Oscar

It just feels like a slap in the face.

Dwight

I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.

Oscar

We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.

Dwight

I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

Kevin

Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Meredith

Hey, so that good-lookin' single brother of yours, heard he was in a downward spiral with booze.

Andy

Yeah, he's in rehab, actually.

Meredith

Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.

Phyllis

I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.

Meredith

[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

Nellie

Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?

Kevin

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Dwight

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

Jim

Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

Kevin

No.

Angela

No!

Jim

Done, right?

Angela

No.

Stanley

No. I want Tropical Christmas.

Meredith

Topless Christmas.

Creed

Tapas Swiss Miss.