[yelling] The fire is shooting at us!
“Stress Relief” · Season 5, Episode 14
In this episode: Dwight Schrute (4), Michael Scott (3), Pam Beesly (2), Oscar Martinez (2), Stanley Hudson (2), Jim Halpert (1), Andy Bernard (1), Angela Martin (1)
Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.
I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.
How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Electricity.
Shampoo.
[regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
You okay?
Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.
[lights up a cigarette that he then throws into a trash bin which catches fire] Today, smoking is gonna save lives.
[to the panicking colleagues during the fire drill] Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making!
[Michael fails to resuscitate the dummy after he and his coworkers break out in song and dance to Stayin' Alive]
Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
RRose
I have no idea.
Anyone else?
We bury him.
Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
He has no wallet. I checked.
He is an organ donor.
He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!
[Dwight stabs the dummy in the chest and slices open its torso]
Oh my God! Dwight!
Dwight!
What are you doing?!
We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?
I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
What?
Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. [clears throat] Jim, you’re 6’11”, and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Well, there you are. I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley starts laughing]
Oscar, you are…[starts giggling] Oscar [chuckles], you’re gay.
Wow.
Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley laughs hysterically]
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