Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.

Stanley

Oh sweet mother of God.

Michael

If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.

Stanley

Excuse me.

Michael

Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.

Pam

[answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial... Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure. This is Pam.

Michael

Pro-Am.

Pam

...Pro-Am Race For The- They hung up.

Michael

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Dwight

WHERE!!?

Phyllis

WHEN!!?

Michael

It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.

Stanley

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?

Pam

Thank goodness you were there

Michael

[shaking his head nervously] Yeah...

Andy

Did you see who did it?

Dwight

No need. We can just check the security tapes

Michael

It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Jim

Who was driving?

Pam

oh Michael...

Michael

I ran down Meredith in my car.

Ryan

Did you do this on purpose?

Michael

No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in--

Ryan

Did this happen on company property?

Michael

Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.

Ryan

I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael

Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael

Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.

Kelly

That's Buddhists.

Michael

Are you sure?

Kelly

No.

Angela

I can't do this. I can't do it.

Michael

Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?

Angela

Okay. Okay.

Michael

No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Michael

Ryan just so you know, one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer asshole

Ryan

That`s Michael, Always with a joke

If anyone is listening, i`m being held here against my will, I`m a minor.

Michael

Good news.

Stanley

We get to go home?

Michael

Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?

Kevin

Wait. Alfredo's Pizza Café? Or Pizza by Alfredo?

Michael

Same thing.

Michael

You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.

Kevin

Oscar, talk to him.

Oscar

Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?

Michael

Pizza by Alfredo.

Michael

Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all-you-can-eat of pretty good pizza?

Medium amount of good pizza.

Kevin

Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Michael

We'll ask Powerpoint.

Oscar

Michael, this is a presentation tool.

Michael

You're a presentation tool!

Michael

I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!

Oscar

I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Michael

I didn't say it. I declared it.

Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?

Dwight

Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

I'm taking Stanley.

Dwight

Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael

Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael

Ten years, you'll figure it out.

Jim

Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.

Michael

That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.

Jim

That's what who said?

Michael

I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.

Jim

That's what she said.

Michael

Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

How long have you known Ms. Levinson?

Michael

Six years and two months.

And you were directly under her the whole time?

Michael

That's what she said.

Excuse me?

Michael

[slowly] That's what she said.

Jan

I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?

Michael

I don't like that story, babe.

Jan

Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Michael

Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.

Jan

You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!

Michael

[laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Angela

...You shouldn't say that.