Jim Halpert quotes from The Office (US)

Jim

My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Jim

You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

Jim

Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.

Jim

I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Jim

One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway...... I wonder who he ran over then

Jim

[to the camera] Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests." And they're both winning. So I am going to make a run for it.

Jim

Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Jim

[calling Ryan's voicemail] Hey Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you, lately. But you know what? I really don't care. Because you're trying to get rid of me, and I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back. But you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place. But guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [Hangs up]

Jim

Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Jim

Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.

Jim

Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Jim

This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Jim

I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Jim

Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Jim

[to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.