Creed Bratton quotes from The Office (US)

Creed

I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

Creed

Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Creed

Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Creed

A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Creed Bratton

Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Creed

If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?

Creed

You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.

Creed

Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Creed

The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin though.

Creed

It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [camera zooms out to show Creed in handcuffs, escorted by two police officers] Let's do this.

Michael

This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?

Creed

That is correct.

Michael

I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim

Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

Michael

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

What?

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

That's a dog.

Pam

No, that's afghan.

Michael

That's a shawl.

Dwight

Wait, canine AIDS?

Michael

No, humans with AIDS.

Creed

Who has AIDS?

Jim

Guys, the Afghanistananis.

Michael

And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed

I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith

Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin

This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Kelly

I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

Creed

That wasn't a tapeworm.

Dwight

Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

I have no idea.

Dwight

Anyone else?

Phyllis

We bury him.

Dwight

Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Creed

He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael

He is an organ donor.

Dwight

He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!

Angela

Oh my God! Dwight!

Kelly

Dwight!

Angela

What are you doing?!

Dwight

We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Stanley

I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.