Pam Beesly quotes from The Office (US)

Pam

You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Pam

[about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Pam

There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Pam

Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?

Pam

[dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Pam

I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.

Pam

They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...

Pam

When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."

Pam

Dwight is about to get so Pammed!

Pam

I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. [introduces a new wheel] We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores, but they were right; it's more fun this way.

Pam

Do you think Kevin cares what other people think about him? Or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh! These are my role models now.

Pam

[during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.

Dwight

Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo

Jim

Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.

Pam

[Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.

Jim

Oh, great.

Pam

So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Jim

I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Pam

Nice.

Jim

Dwight, Don't you need health insurance?

Dwight

Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam

Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight

So I can lower it.

Michael

Pam, you're trustworthy.

Pam

Thank you.

Michael

And a woman.

Pam

Oh no.