A character in The Office (US)
Played by Phyllis Smith
The Office (US) · 496 quotes
In 14 of the 496 quotes from The Office (US)
Most scenes with: Dwight Schrute (9), Pam Beesly (5), Stanley Hudson (5)
PhyllisOh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
PhyllisI'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
Phyllis[to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
I'm a Sith lord!!
PhyllisEveryone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
[pause]
What line of work you in, Bob?
I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
PhyllisAfghani.
What?
PhyllisAfghani.
That's a dog.
No, that's afghan.
That's a shawl.
Wait, canine AIDS?
No, humans with AIDS.
Who has AIDS?
Guys, the Afghanistananis.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
WHERE!!?
PhyllisWHEN!!?
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?
[Michael fails to resuscitate the dummy after he and his coworkers break out in song and dance to Stayin' Alive]
Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
I have no idea.
Anyone else?
PhyllisWe bury him.
Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
He has no wallet. I checked.
He is an organ donor.
He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!
[Dwight stabs the dummy in the chest and slices open its torso]
Oh my God! Dwight!
Dwight!
What are you doing?!
We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?
I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
PhyllisHow is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
[feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Oh, really? From what, two to four?
[in confessional] Yup!
Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
What?
He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
So he's alive?
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
PhyllisOh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Yeah, he does.
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
PhyllisOh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Yep.
Who says no moustache?
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
PhyllisHe does have a moustache.
Yes!
Welcome back, Stanley.
[Stanley grunts]
PhyllisI knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
No.
No!
Done, right?
No.
No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Topless Christmas.
Tapas Swiss Miss.
[on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.
Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.
Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.
PhyllisI have ears, Dwight.
Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...
[Jim hangs up]
180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.
PhyllisI can't be around sad people, it just makes me sad.
I'm the same around horny people.
Hold on, why is Phyllis so aroused?
She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.
Ok, you are useless. I'll take care of this.
[Pours a bucket of water all over Phyllis to wake her up]
PhyllisWHAT THE HELL!?
It's ok, guys, she's no longer horny.
Excuse me, dirty birdie.
Michael ScottSteve Carell · 169 quotes
Dwight SchruteRainn Wilson · 147 quotes
Jim HalpertJohn Krasinski · 100 quotes
Pam BeeslyJenna Fischer · 67 quotes
Andy BernardEd Helms · 48 quotes
Kevin MaloneBrian Baumgartner · 28 quotes
Oscar MartinezOscar Nunez · 25 quotes
Stanley HudsonLeslie David Baker · 22 quotes
Angela MartinAngela Kinsey · 21 quotes
Erin HannonEllie Kemper · 21 quotes
Toby FlendersonPaul Lieberstein · 21 quotes
Creed BrattonCreed Bratton · 19 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
