Kelly quotes from The Office (US)

Kelly

Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

Kelly

I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Kelly

I'm too excited to sleep!

Kelly

Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!

Jim

Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?

Kelly

[blank stare] I just told you.

Kelly

Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.

Pam

What do you mean?

Kelly

Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.

Pam

Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.

Kelly

There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.

Pam

Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Michael

Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.

Kelly

That's Buddhists.

Michael

Are you sure?

Kelly

No.

Ryan

Do you have a question, Kelly?

Kelly

Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Kelly

I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

Creed

That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan

Kelly.

Kelly

Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.

Ryan

I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Kelly

Dwight, get out of my nook.

Pam

[heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jim

Good one.

Dwight

Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

I have no idea.

Dwight

Anyone else?

Phyllis

We bury him.

Dwight

Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Creed

He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael

He is an organ donor.

Dwight

He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!

Angela

Oh my God! Dwight!

Kelly

Dwight!

Angela

What are you doing?!

Dwight

We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Stanley

I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.

Michael

It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly

Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith

She could be your soul mate.

Dwight

Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Dwight

I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.

Kelly

Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.

Andy

I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last—

Kelly

But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

Andy

What are you…

Kelly

Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.

Andy

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam

In costumes!

Jim

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

And cups of coffee.

Kevin

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.