Mr. Krabs, don't you think you might be taking all this a little bit too far?
Get back to work, SpongeBob! I'll be in me SpongeBob if you SpongeBob me!
S5The Krusty Sponge
I love a happy ending. [laughs]
S5Sing a Song of Patrick
I think I wrote a poem once. [flashback to a younger Patrick, whose voice is higher-pitched]
[reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. "Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom." [eats the paper and burps]
GTGym Teacher
How many times I gotta tell ya? This...is...gym class! [blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]
The next day... [cut to Bigshot Records]
♪-and that's why you're my cookie-wookie teddy bear!♪
BBassist
I hate my life.
KKeyboardist
I hate your life, too, dude.
BMBand Manager
People! We have 17 more songs to finish this hour! Next up is: "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. [sniffs then holds his nose] Yick.
GGuitarist
[takes it] This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up.
BBassist
Oh yeah. [upon looking at it, his eyes shrivel up and turn into dust]
BMBand Manager
I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his 100 bucks already!
BBassist
Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, and a 2 and a-
[Cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried]
UUndertaker
[gives the record to Patrick] They wanted you to have this.
[gleefully] My song!
[singing Patrick's poem] ♪Twinkle, twinkle, Patrick Star! I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred. It tastes like beans and bacon. And smells like it's been dead. Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil. Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point! Pee-yew! what's that horrible smell?♪
Drum Solo! [plays drum solo. Wallpaper peels and plants become dead and picture of Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants shakes]
♪I have a head, it ends in a point. pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point!♪ [in their picture, Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants get annoyed and Mrs. SquarePants turns the picture over] ♪This song is over, except for this line, you win this round, broccoli!♪ [the song ends as SpongeBob's house peels and the stereo crashes on top of SpongeBob and Patrick]
S5A Flea In Her Dome
[The camera zooms in on SpongeBob sitting crying in the area between his pineapple and Squidward's house. He lies down face-down and his tears send him up and down off the ground. He goes back to normal crying while sitting, he then bends his top half in towards his bottom half. Patrick walks up, picks SpongeBob up, and gives him a hug]
There, there, SpongeBob. No need to cry.
[He pops off Patrick's shoulder] Yes, there is, Patrick. Sandy's been gone for 2 whole days.
2 whole days?! [tears pour out of his eyes like a hose as he begins to wail]
Oh, why'd she have to go to that science convention in Texas?!
Texas! [crying]
[sniffles, looks at his watch] She won't be back for 1 more hour, 26 minutes and 47 seconds!
Oh, 47 seconds! [SpongeBob and Patrick cry tears in each others faces] I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose- [a nose like Squidward's pops onto his face]
Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone, he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]
No, I'm not. [walks away]
[yelling at Sandy] Okay, you know what?! None of this would've happened if you didn't come back with your infestation. All you've brought us is fleas, and trouble, and pain, and itching, and a rash, and pain, and fleas, and itching, and... pain! So... much... pain! So much pain. [to SpongeBob] And as for you, if you hadn't thrown this party, we wouldn't be in this mess!
Wait a minute. You had as much to do with this party as I did.
You call this a party?! [taps SpongeBob's helmet] I'm beginning to question our friendship.
Stop smudging my HELMET!
Oh, I got half a mind, buddy!
S5The Donut of Shame
Where am I? What happened? Oh yeah, the party. I must have passed out in SpongeBob's kitchen...on the ceiling. See, SpongeBob? I told you we shouldn't stay up past 8:30, things get real crazy after 8:30. [has a flashback of last night's tea party] She really knows how to pound 'em down huh, SpongeBob?...SpongeBob?...SpongeBob?...SpongeBob? [notices SpongeBob snoring with a donut in his hand] That's a good lookin' donut.
That video will show me stealing SpongeBob's donut..! Oh, oh, oh, eee, eee! I gotta hide this thing. [tries hiding it under a picture of him and SpongeBob but it slips out. Patrick gasps and took it, Patrick tries to hide the donut in the lamp but the light on the ceiling shows the donut's reflection. Patrick takes it out, SpongeBob leaves his house and heads towards Patrick's, Patrick runs around it before putting it under the rug] Whew... [falls backwards onto a chair] Oh... [imagines SpongeBob walking in and stepping on the donut]
Hey, Patrick, I- [squish. He looks down and gasps] Donut! You monster...! You monster!
[Patrick gasps and screams, gets up and takes the donut and puts it in the toaster, but then imagines SpongeBob again]
Nothing goes with a video like toast! Let's pop some toast in the toaster and watch this bad boy!
[screams and takes it out of the toaster] Ow, hot, hot, hot, ow! [throws it in the toilet, then imagines SpongeBob again]
Get out of the way, Patrick, I gotta go!
[worries in fear and takes it out of the toilet] The attic! [cut to SpongeBob as he walked closer to Patrick's house, Patrick runs up imaginary steps, panting] Wait... I don't have an attic! [notices he's in mid-air, and then falls into his hole while he's screaming; Patrick lands on the floor and gets up] Oh... Ooh! I know! The attic. [goes up the imaginary steps again, falls and screams again; Patrick lands and gets up again]
Hey, Patrick!
Ah! [hides the donut] H-hey, SpongeBob.
Are you ready to-
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK, SO DON'T LOOK THERE! [looks both ways; the donut is in the back of his pants]
Okay... No problem. Ready to see this? [takes out the tape, Patrick's eyes shrink in horror] The official testament of how heartily we party... hardly? [puts the tape in the VCR and pushes play, but Patrick stops him]
NO! [sobs] I took it, SpongeBob! I took your donut! I'm sorry!
[looks confused then smiles] Oh, Patrick! You really need to see this video.
[He plays the video of the party from last night.]
VSVideo SpongeBob
I wanna give you this, because you're my buddy and... A donut this nice could really make a guy happy.
You mean... This is mine?!
Of course! It was your birthday.
When?
Last night, silly!
Oh... Thanks, buddy! Hey, Wanna share it?
Sure, pal!
[The two each eat one half of the donut; SpongeBob stops and shudders because of how disgusting it is]
Yeah, pretty good, huh?
[SpongeBob shudders again; episode ends]
S5The Krusty Plate
SpongeBob, what's the meaning of this?
[SpongeBob inspects a plate and then notices a spot and screams]
OHHHHH! SPOT, SPOT, SPOT!
That's right, a spot. You know the rule. Nobody leaves work till...
...till everything's ship-shape, sir. Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'll get this plate cleaned up in a jiffy.
Oh, and, uh, lock up when you're done.
Lock up? Wait, Mr. Krabs. Don't you remember what happened last time you left me here alone?
[Flashback when the Krusty Krab is on fire, Mr. Krabs was shedding his tears. We cut back to the present]
Should've never left you alone with a lit blow torch and me roller skates. But, since I've removed all the welding equipment from the premises, there's no-ho-ho chance of that happenin' again, right? Now, get to work.
S5Goo Goo Gas
[back at the Chum Bucket, talking to Karen] …And then that blasted sponge called the cops! That's just not cricket. [pouts] Now I'll never be a tyrannical overlord.
Do I have to tell you how to do everything? Next time, spray SpongeBob, too.
Not sure.
Listen carefully. Spray...
Yes.
...Sponge...
Uh-huh.
...Bob...
Right.
...Too!
Now, you're just talking gibberish. What I really need is to spray Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob.
That's just what I --
I don't wanna hear all your loony schemes, Karen. I've got work to do!
[last lines]
Ahem! Mama's little evil genius needs a diaper!
S5Le Big Switch
[sighs contendedly] It's the little details that they really appreciate, isn't it, Squidward?
Oh, yeah. You really touched his life. [a customer is eating his Krabby Patties like a pig]
Nothing beats making quality food for good people with discriminating tastes.
Quality food?!
Yeah!
Good people?!
[nods] Uh-huh.
Discriminating tastes?!
Testify!
D'oh! [he breathes and angrily runs up to the customer and takes the Krabby Patty from him] Only pathetic losers with horrible taste would eat this garbage!
[gasps in shock, then the customer starts to cry. SpongeBob runs up to him and starts cradling him] Squidward! The Krusty clientèle needs to be cuddled and treated with respect. [takes Krabby Patty from Squidward and puts it in customers mouth like a baby bottle] There, there. [to Squidward] Mr. Krabs will be ashamed!
[after SpongeBob leaves on a bus] It was that easy? All those years? I've underestimated the power of public transportation.
[starts chopping vegetables] I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen, I can make something other than... [chops vegetables into a Krabby Patty then laughs nervously] Just warming up. [Mr. Crustacean gets angry, he then screams than gets a tray of stuff and puts in in the oven] Come on, SpongeBob! [whistles and then takes out a Krabby Patty and throws it on the ground, Mr. Crustacean gets angry again, he then cracks an egg into a pan] Just one egg then... [egg turns into a Krabby Patty and SpongeBob gets mad and throws it on the ground along with many other Krabby Patties] No, that's not it either...
CMr. Crustacean
YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY--! [Krabby Patty accidentally lands in his mouth and he eats it] This taste is... is fantastic! What do you call it? [he then eats another one]
A Krabby Patty.
CMr. Crustacean
[eats more Krabby Patties] The whole world must taste this!
Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab... [We see that the Krusty Krab is all decorated fancy]
Hey, Squidward, look at this! [holds up a plate with a small fruit on it] We're charging 52 smackeroos for this little guy. [laughs and then Squidward smells its horrible odor]
Oh! What is that?!
I don't know! Some kind of bean paste or something.
LSLe Schnook
Wrong, monsieur! It is ze Rare Fruit of ze Kazook Tree.
So it's supposed to smell like a rotten gym socks?
LSLe Schnook
Its naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.
Shredded... [gulps] gold? [Le Schnook then starts shredding gold with a cheese grater. Mr. Krabs screams and takes it away from him] Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?
LSLe Schnook
Price can be no object when it comes to dealing with exquisite food like zis. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients, and eaten with only the finest silverware, while sitting on the finest furniture! [Le Schnook tries to sit in one of the chair, but it is just a billboard] Zis... is not ze chair I ordered.
Yeah, well you see those were out of stock.
LSLe Schnook
And zis fork of plastic... Spray painted to look silver, is it not? [Mr. Krabs starts to sweat, chuckling nervously. Le Schnook gets back up, dusting himself] I cannot prepare food UNDER ZESE CONDITIONS!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.