SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 4
Could you not stand so close? You're making me claustrophobic.
What does "claustrophobic" mean?
It means he's afraid of Santa Claus!
No it doesn't!
HO, HO, HO! [giggles]
Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!
HO, HO, HO! [giggles]
It's not working, Patrick.
Darn.
[shoves Patrick] Stop pushing me Patrick.
You mean like this? [shoves Squidward]
No like this! [shoves Patrick]
[both Patrick and Squidward are fighting] You shouldn't fight in here. This is a magical place.
[Scene zooms to outside the well]
Patrick, get off of me! [scene zooms back into the well where Patrick is sitting on Squidward] I told you I am claustrophobic!
Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here.
Patrick!
You'll never get me to believe in magic, never! Just to prove it to ya, I'll demonstrate. [dropping a penny in the well] I wish I was steamed and served with a side of melted butter! [laughs]
Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Well, where's your magic now? [disappears into thin air and appears as a real steamed crab on a plate] Oh... where am I? What's going on here? [A person behind him lays out melted butter and puts on a bib reading "THE END"] Uh-oh. I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! Oh, no!
[episode ends]
Exactly! They've all been just attempts. And every single one a miserable failure. I can feel my arteries clogging up with anxiety just thinking about it. [sighs] Let me show you something. [scene cuts to them walking into the Chum Bucket, which is full of spider webs] Look at this place!
[runs into a spider web and screams] Criminy, Plankton, you ever heard of spring cleaning?
What's the point? Do you know when the last time I had a customer was?
Actually, I don't recall you ever having a customer.
Well, there he is. [points to rat skeleton on the table] That's why I've decided to quit the restaurant business altogether, and turn the Chum Bucket into... [pulls out a box of knick knacks] this!
[Mr Krabs walking into the Chumporium. Plankton is dusting off his knickknacks]
Ah. A clean snow globe is a happy snow globe. [laughs]
Plankton! You may have fooled everyone else, you might have even fooled yourself, but you ain't fooling me.
Oh, I get it. You caught me red-handed. [laughs then sighs] Those were the days, huh, Eugene?
Grr...
But I found there more to life than just trying to steal your formula. And I found it all right here in novelty items.
Bubkes.
Ah, Eugene. Stuck in your old ways.
Bubkes! If there's one thing certain in this world, it's that you can't resist me formula. [takes out the formula] You know you want it.
Thanks...but no.
A-ha, I knew it. [chuckles] It was all a trick to get me to hand over...Wait, did you say no?
Well, if you don't believe me, that's your problem not mine.
Problem?! I don't have a problem! You're the one with the problem! Look at this. It means nothing. It's all a facade, a hoax, a con, a front... [throws a shelf down; Plankton gasps] ...A sham, a snow job... [throwing the snow globes onto the ground and breaking them] ...Bologna with a side of flimflam and an order of Jive! [smashes the lava lamps with the baseball bat] See?! Who's the one with the problem?!
Look what you've done. This is my livelihood.
Sure it is. And this isn't the formula that you don't want. Come on, eh? Eh? Oop, too slow. [chuckles tauntingly]
[lividly bellowing] Get out!
[gasps] Oh, I get it. Stick to your guns, and eventually we'll all believe it. Soften us up and when our backs are turned, you'll make your move. [drops the formula] Oops. [walks out of the Chumporium]
What's this? [groans] Hey, Krabs!
I knew you'd come back.
You forgot something. [throws the formula back at Mr. Krabs] Can't you understand I've wasted so much time chasing after you? And now I have something that's mine. And it makes me happy. [walks back into the Chumporium]
[realizing that Plankton was telling the truth] I never thought I'd see the day. What happened to the invertebrate I used to know? [becoming upset] Plankton? [cries loudly, he runs across the road and falls down crying some more]
[to Gary] All those people think you're a monster. But I know you're just a snail.
[SpongeBob pets Gary, who suddenly meows and snarls savagely and bites SpongeBob's arm, causing everyone to gasp.]
[in tears] Gary... how could you?! [Gary meows ferociously]
SpongeBob's been infected by his own pet snail. Oh, the irony! Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite. Let's get the snail!
YEAH!
[An angry mob forms and everyone takes out jellyfish nets and torches. SpongeBob gasps.]
No! Don't hurt him!
Hand over the snail!
It's for his own good, SpongeBob.
No! I won't let you touch Gary!
Stop the madness, man! The mad snail disease ends now. SEIZE THE SNAIL!
[cleaning out ear wax to the mirror] I didn't even know I had an ear. Huh? [notices water splashing from the toilet behind him] Hey, I just cleaned that one!
[scene cuts to Patrick running down the street to his rock]
Working at the Krusty Krab. Making Krabby Patties all day. Flipping Krusty Krab working patties krab... uhh, that's a hard song to remember. [opens his rock and jumps in] Huh?
[sitting in the corner of Patrick's rock] Who do they think they are? I gave the best years of my life to this place and they think they can just fire me like that? Like trash? I don't think so!
SpongeBob? Is that you?
[turns around with a demented smile on his face] I've been waiting for you, Patrick! [walks towards Patrick, growling]
SpongeBob, you're scaring me. [yells]
[SpongeBob laughs maniacally and closes in around Patrick]
[scene cuts to Bigshot Records]
Well, well, well, Ned and the Needlefish. You're fired.
Fired?!
But why?
Ask Baldy McBalderson over here.
Ned!
Good going, dude.
I can't help not having hair!
When we formed this band, it was for one reason and one reason only: to make a lot of money. And you not having hair is getting in the way of that!
We are selling records, not denture cream! [talking to Ned] Either you come back with hair, or don't come back at all!
[SpongeBob takes a remote with a red Button with a label that reads, "open." He presses the button. The door to the sub opens.]
Ooh! [They both salute]
SpongeBob and Patrick reporting for guard duty. [they both laugh and jump inside. Patrick stars pressing buttons and SpongeBob pretends to be piloting the sub]
Hmm. [he finds a yellow button with a label that reads "Shrink"] "Shrink." I do have a lot of issues. [presses the button and a warning light starts]
Pretty.
[The subm shrinks a little, squishing SpongeBob and Patrick against the windshield. Sandy enters the room.]
I'm back, SpongeBob. [she drops box of nuts] Uh-oh.
[SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick laughs while grabbing SpongeBob.]
You're so tiny. [he shrinks even smaller than SpongeBob; screams] A giant SpongeBob!
[The two shrink until they appear to look like dots. The sub shrinks completely. A robot hand grabs the sub. Sandy leans in.]
Patrick! SpongeBob!
Aah! Sandy's grown to gigantic size!
I don't think Sandy grew, Patrick. I think we shrunk.
[stupidly] That's silly. Don't you think it's more likely that the entire world grew?
[over the speaker] Good work, guys. Mission accomplished. Now all you have to do is...
[pushes Sandy out of the way] Get out of my body! Go!
Grow? [presses the grow button. The alarm starts up]
[The scene becomes a split screen. The left has Sandy, the Middle has Squidward, and the right has SpongeBob]
[alarmed] No!
[Scene opens to Patrick running around and giggling in the street]
Hey! [Patrick looks around confused] Hey, you there!
Who, me?
Yes, you! GET OUTTA TOWN!!!
[Patrick, shocked, runs away screaming; the business fish stands confused before another fish comes by]
Get outta town...! And take a vacation to beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort! Here ya go, sir. [shows a flier for a vacation]
But, Patrick, you can't go! Not like this! Who will go with me to the next jellyfisherman's expo?! [shows a picture of the two at one of the exposes]
It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is set. [He and SpongeBob cry together]
OH, UNSET IT, PLEASE UNSET IT!!! [they cry even more. Patrick walks over to SpongeBob's kitchen with suitcase on it starts packing]
I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. [puts two pairs of SpongeBob's pants into the suitcase] My... clothes.
Umm, Patrick, those are my clothes.
[packs up a bunch of peanut butter] My peanut butter!
That's my peanut butter.
AND MY PICKLES!!! [stuffs a bunch of pickles into the suitcase and closes it, then falls on top of it sobbing]
I can't believe you're leaving, Patrick, WITH ALL MY PICKLES!!! [crying]
[heading for the door with the suitcase] It's the end of me being here.
Wait, stop! What about all our plans?! 8:00am - Wake up Patrick, 9:00am - Eat kelpo with Patrick, 10:00am - Brush teeth with Patrick, 1:00pm - Stare at Patrick! Who's gonna do all that with me?!
I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Patrick Star will live no more, forever... in Bikini Bottom.
[gets an idea] But... what if you weren't Patrick Star?
Oh, no. I'm not Patrick Star!?
You are Patrick Star, but you won't be for long.
Huh?
Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
NO!
Hmmm... that's it! Get outta town!
He's onto us!
I won't let you do it! You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town!
"Patrick"?!
You forgot your flyer. [hands them one of his flyers]
[reading flyer] "GET OUTTA TOWN! ...To beautiful Sunny Shore Resorts!" Look! This guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price!
Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore.
[Rips off his disguise while everyone else is shocked]
Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a woman?
No.
Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so.
Good evening, Squidward!
Not so fast! You two little monsters aren't about to ruin my evening!
Oh, we're not here to ruin it, we're here to enhance it! Isn't that right, Pat?
Yeah, we're here--
[slams the door] Can't a hard working squid get a little TV time alone? [SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly on the couch with him] SpongeBob?! Patrick?! Oh, what's the point?
[While watching the Kelpy G show...]
Could you turn it up?
Uh, Squidward, could you turn it down a little?
Squidward, what's this about?
Squidward, how come he's so emotional?
Is he the bad guy?
Squidward?
Squidward?
Squidward?
Squidward?
Squidward?
Squidward?
Squidward?
THAT'S IT!!! All I wanted to do was watch some smooth jazz on public television, but apparently, that's not going to happen! Once again, I'm going to have to leave my own home, just to get some peace and quiet! Enjoy my TV! [scoffs; he exits, leaving SpongeBob and Patrick alone as if they don't know what happened]
Oh wait, I think I've seen this before! This part's funny!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
