I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready... for me money. [the crowd gathers around him] Welcome to Pretty Patties. May I take your money?
We want a refund, Krabs! [crowd form a mob while yelling and protesting in agreement]
Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple! [shows his purple face]
SMScottish Man
Look what I got under me kilt! [raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear]
GFGrease Fish, Female Fish & Frank
And look at our tongues!
[They show Mr. Krabs their respective tongues. They each show a yellow tongue, an orange tongue with green spots, and a tongue that just looks normal]
[turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark green] We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns the light back on, but Mr. Krabs is gone]
HaroldHey, where'd he go?
[Mr. Krabs screams and runs, and the crowd chasing him makes a rainbow road]
At least I still have my Sunday pedicure to look forward to. [SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing inside Squidward's house. Squidward opens his front door] What are you two doing in my house?
We're checking to make sure this guy really is a certified foot masseur and not some kind of assassin.
Well I say he checks out a-ok.
Squidward, have you ever seen more lovely French tips? [shows foot with long toenails]
French tips, huh?! [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick's chair out of the way] All right, pal, make with the relaxing foot massage, pronto!
HHarold (red fish)
Uh-oh. Uh, sorry. Your hour's up. [packs up and leaves]
Alright, you two. OUT! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk to the front door] And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day! Or tomorrow, or next week!
Squidward, does that include-?
YES, IT DOES! [furiously slams the door shut]
Gee, Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
[busts head through the door] YES, I WAS!!! You call yourselves good neighbors?! YOU'RE THE WORST NEIGHBORS EVER! [angrily inhales] You don't deserve to wear those FEZZES! [takes SpongeBob and Patrick's fezzes off and rapidly stomps them into the ground]
Gee, Pat, maybe President Squidward's right.
Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
NO, YOU AREN'T!!! YOU'RE HORRIBLE NEIGHBORS! [angrily inhales again] And STOP calling me president! [pops his head back inside]
Come on, let's go. [he and Patrick walk off sadly]
[to Gary] All those people think you're a monster. But I know you're just a snail.
[SpongeBob pets Gary, who suddenly meows and snarls savagely and bites SpongeBob's arm, causing everyone to gasp.]
[in tears] Gary... how could you?! [Gary meows ferociously]
Harold
SpongeBob's been infected by his own pet snail. Oh, the irony! Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite. Let's get the snail!
BBBikini Bottomites
YEAH!
[An angry mob forms and everyone takes out jellyfish nets and torches. SpongeBob gasps.]
Harold
Hand over the snail!
It's for his own good, SpongeBob.
No! I won't let you touch Gary!
Harold
Stop the madness, man! The mad snail disease ends now. SEIZE THE SNAIL!
No, Patrick I... [notices the people staring at him. He laughs nervously, then the caramel cracks, which reveals some light]
[All gasp, then the caramel breaks]
[Frankie's eyes melt. SpongeBob laughs nervously]
Harold
[Australian accent] Your hideously white skin just ruined the party. I mean look at you! Do you hug your mother with that skin?
You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
Harold
Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified as SpongeBob revealed Squidward's name]
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...
Harold
Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!
Oh! I knew this guy was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
Harold
Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
No! Wait! [everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!
[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
Wha-What's going on here?
Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
MSMusic School Headmistress
[she and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there] It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [the reporter and cameraman are there too]
BBBikini Bottom News Reporter
What a hot scoop!
MSMusic School Headmistress
The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.
But... [a police officer rips off Squidward's Wig]
GPGreen Police Fish
No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Harold
He's got a point.
Yeah. You've seen enough?
Harold
Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave]
Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else]
What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving?
Harold
This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue]
Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh?
Sort of the same, really.
Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place]
[The episode opens with a wide shot of Avocondo Acres.]
Ah, Avocondo Acres, Bikini Bottom's premier retirement community. This is where we find Harold and Margaret, the parents of the ocean's most exceptional multicellular organism, SpongeBob SquarePants.
[sniffs] Harold, do you smell that? It smells like something...rotting. [The avocado mush from the home lands on Harold.]
Harold
It's begun! We better run! [Harold takes Margaret in his arms and they run out of their rotting avocado home.]
EFElderly Fish
I tell people to rub their homes with lemon juice and wrap it in plastic! But do they listen?
Oh, Harold, what will we do?
Harold
Well, we'll just have to grow a new home. And in the meantime, we can stay with our son.
[Harold and Margaret drive off in their boat, while their avocado sits in a giant cup full of water. The scene transitions to SpongeBob's house.]
Take cover, Gary! Watch this! I jump up and down, the soda bottles pop their corks, and send me dangerously around the room! I may not survive. [he laughs, then his phone rings] Hello? Hi Mom, hi Dad! Your house? Oh no! Stay with me? Why of course you can! Guess what, Gary? Mom and Dad are coming over to stay at our place for the very first time! [gary meows] I just thought of something. My parents haven't seen me in a while. They'll be expecting their son to be a little more, well, adult. Grown-up. Mature. And look at me! [A close-up of SpongeBob is seen with a bandage on his forehead and his helmet is squished on the side] And look at this place! It's a filthy mess!
"[The room is shining, and the scene transitions to SpongeBob cleaning his wall. Patrick appears where SpongeBob has cleaned.]"
Clean! "[transitions to SpongeBob vacuuming.]"
[SpongeBob vacuums up the floor, revealing Patrick again under the floor.]
So clean! [transitions to SpongeBob cleaning his toilet]
[SpongeBob pulls Patrick out of the toilet]
We've gotta stop meeting like this.
"[appears behind SpongeBob]" You almost done?
Where have you two been? It is 8 o'clock at night. I was worried sick.
We were just having a little fun. [Harold puts his hat back on.]
You're both acting like children. [takes hat off and stands up, crosses arms]
Harold
[points] And you're acting like a square!
[gasps] I [face morphs to be square] am square, and I've already committed to acting mature, whether you like it or not.
Okay, Mr. Mature, it's time for you to have some fun, whether you like it or not!
Harold
It's Bikini Bottom after dark, baby! [pauses] It's gonna be wild. [record scratching, gestures at camera] Woot, woot!
Yahoo! Masked luchador wrestling!
[blows raspberry] How juvenile. [SpongeBob sits in the stands, between his parents.] Well, I guess this is all right. It shouldn't be too wild, just sitting here, watching.
Harold
[gives him the peanut bag] Uh, we're not here to watch.
[stands up] We're here to wrestle.
WAWrestling Announcer
It's tag team time! [buzzer sounds] Los Diablos vs. Madre y Padre! [Harold and Margaret put on wrestling uniforms and jump into the ring. SpongeBob is worried.]
[The opening bell rings, and wrestlers pound their fists together. Margaret does stretches. Harold runs in place, winds up a punch, and runs. The wrestler bounces him into the ground. Margaret tags him and gets tripped by another wrestler. She bounces off the ropes and into Harold. One Diablo grab Harold and play him like an accordion, and the other spins Margaret around and smashes her into the floor. SpongeBob tries to eat peanuts but reaches his hand through the bag and chews on his hand. One Diablo kicks Harold into the air and another bounces Margaret into the ropes. SpongeBob chews the bag and rocks back and forth in his seat. Los Diablos run into each other and smash Harold and Margaret together.]
Mom, Dad! I'm coming! [puts the bag over his head and jumps into the ring, only to see everything empty] Uh, Mom? Dad? [Harold and Margaret are in the stands, cheering him on.]
Harold
'Atta boy, SpongeBob!
We're rooting for you, kiddo!
WAWrestling Announcer
For our next bout, it's El Muerte vs. Señor Peanuts Bag!
[Pounding footsteps are heard. A wrestler in a skeleton outfit roars and pounds the ground, then runs forward.]
[screams like a woman] Whoa![screams in regular and gets chased around] Mommy, Daddy!
[El Muerte stops and catches SpongeBob as he runs around, making him spin. El Muerte stomps on Patrick and bends his legs.]
No más! No más! [gets grabbed by Harold] Yay! Whoa!
Harold
Now, wasn't that fun? [An injured SpongeBob walks off. Harold, Margaret, and SpongeBob drive away.]
Whoo-hoo! [El Muerte gets up and takes his helmet off, revealing him to be Patrick.]
[grunts] Where'd that peanut bag guy go? [stomach grumbles] I'm hungry. [A hot dog-themed wrestler approaches Patrick.]
HDHot Dog Wrestler (Master Udon)
How 'bout a hot dog?
[Cut to the outside of a roller rink.]
[off-screen] I never even knew there was a 24-hour roller rink in Bikini Bottom. [as everyone skates inside, SpongeBob and his parents have roller skates on] Well, I guess skating slowly around and around a roller rink isn't so wild.
Rink? We're skating through town. [she and Harold jump away]
Harold
Ha-ha!
Whoo! [A fish is sent flying from the impact.]
Harold
Whoops, excuse me![Harold and Margaret skate out of the roller rink. SpongeBob follows them on skates.]
Hey! [Harold and Margaret skate past a garbage can, knocking it over, and scare an alley snail away.] Will you two please act your age? [In a hotel, the elevator opens and Harold and Margaret skate out. Margaret rings the bell. A doorman reaches for pay, but SpongeBob comes out and knocks him over.] Please stop![Lady Upturn and a rich man appear in the elevator and see the doorman knocked out. The rich man shuts the elevator again. Harold and Margaret skate in the hospital, pushing two senior citizens in wheelchairs.]
HMHarold and Margaret
Whoo-hoo!
[riding on a hospitalized patient] Will you slow down? This is crazy![They go on a roller coaster at Glove World, through the ocean, and then he isexhausted] Please, I beg you... [As Squidward is still cleaning up the toilet paper, Harold and Margaret skate back home, laughing. SpongeBob follows them, panting heavily. Harold and Margaret land on the couch. SpongeBob struggles to stop his skates and faceplants.]
Oh, I just wanted to impress you two by showing you what a mature adult I've become. But no, you wanted wild. Okay, fine! [pulls pants up] You want wild? [screaming] I'll show you! [pulls off his skin to reveal his stuntman uniform] Wild!
[SpongeBob repeatedly bounces up and down. Gary goes next to Margaret, who pets him. SpongeBob launches the soda bottles and flies around, knocking over furniture and putting holes in the house. After a burst of smoke, the house is completely destroyed. The door falls off, showing Harold, Margaret, and Gary hiding behind the couch. Empty soda bottles fall from the sky. SpongeBob, asleep, gently falls down. Harold and Margaret catch him.]
Harold
Aw, the boy's asleep, all tuckered out. [checks clock] Well, our new avocondo should be ripe right now. He'll have to stay with us until he can regrow his pineapple.
[carrying Gary, skating away with him] I wonder when he'll really grow up and be mature.
Harold
Hopefully not too soon. Am I right, dear? [Patrick, still in his wrestling outfit, runs up with a hot dog.]
[panting] Señor Peanuts Bag! I want satisfaction! [pauses] Or peanuts... [iris out pauses on him] But rather peanuts. [iris out continues]
[points up] That cloud looks like an elephant fish.
[points] That one looks like an iron maiden.
[points] That one looks like a baby jellyfish.
Ooh, [points] that one looks like a depth charge. Thank you, SpongeBob, for a truly wonderful day. [gets up] I had a lot of brothers and sister growing up, but never one who was actually nice to me.
Little brother, I'm ready.
[stands up holding the brotherly love meter] We're real brothers now. [tosses away meter] I'm ready to share my deepest, most secretest [Plankton's pupil turns into the secret formula] secret. [Plankton forms an evil expression] I swore I'd never tell it to anyone. Oh, but I'm nervous. Could you go first?
Of course. Anything for my brother. Eh. [pacing] I put on a gruff exterior because I don't want the world to hurt me. But deep down, I'm afraid I'll push everyone away and end up alone. [looks up at SpongeBob, whose sad face is shown in a close-up]
Well, thanks very much for sharing that, little brother. Now it's my turn. [inhales deeply] No one is supposed to know this, but--but--
Yes? [holds out pen and notepad] Yes?
My tie, it's-- [holds out his tie, which is revealed to be a clip-on] a clip-on!
[points with pen] I knew it! Wait, what?
I never learned how to tie a tie! Look at it! Look at it! [holds tie in front of Plankton and rubs it onto him] Look your eyes upon my accursed shame! [breathes heavily, wipes sweat] Whew, sure felt good to get that off my chest.
That's it? That's your secret? [grabs eye] Are you kidding me?
Yep, that was it. Wait, are you upset?
You're darn right I am! You were supposed to tell me the secret formula! Nobody cares about your tie!
The secret formula? That's what you wanted to hear? Oh, I can't share that. [pokes head] It's locked in my brain box.
[Zoom into SpongeBob's brain box, where a police guard Mr. Krabs is snoring while lounging in front of a safe. Beeping is heard.]
Well, then, [holds up chainsaw] I'll use this key to unlock it! [laughs evilly, SpongeBob shrieks, Plankton laughs evilly even more, then is taken away by Harold, swinging around while being held]
Harold
Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
[holding the basket] It looks like you two just weren't made to be brothers. [shakes head] Such a shame.
[Harold places white clothing onto him] Hey, what are you doing?
Harold
Well, the only thing responsible parents can do--making our child someone else's problem. [places Plankton in the basket, then he and Margaret take off]
[waving] Bye, Plankton. I really liked having you as a brother.
Yeah, well, I hated every minute-- [Harold puts a pacifier in his mouth, which he sucks on, Margaret places Plankton in the basket in front of the Star family house, rings the doorbell, then he and Margaret quickly leave]
BBunny
[answers the front door with Cecil] Why, look, Cecil! It's a baby boy.
CCecil
Fantastic! I've always wanted our son to have a brother. Oh, Patrick!
[opens the top window and jumps out of it, taking Plankton with him] All right! Let's play checkers! [spits out a checkerboard and hits Plankton against the board repeatedly] Checkers! Checkers! Checkers!
Ouch! Ow! [Patrick giggles, injured] Oh, brother.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
