SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 2
I'm never going to get an award now.
Don't give up, Patrick! This time I got something I know you can do. We're going to open a jar. [takes the lid off the jar] Easy! Now you try. First, get a jar.
[Patrick grabs a pickle]
Patrick, that's a pickle.
Patrick Yes.
You need a jar. [Patrick holds up a spatula] No. [Patrick takes off his shorts] No. [Patrick picks up SpongeBob] No. Try this. [gives Patrick a jar]
[are at the grill frying patties. They both whistle to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", then stop, and they both wipe their foreheads] Whew!
[drops his spatula; laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]
Uh, me too. [drops his spatula and bends down to pick it up]
[SpongeBob and Patrick bend back up and SpongeBob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on, then they both put their hands on the grill; Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds]
Owwww!
Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!
Yes.
Why are you doing that?
So I can win an award like you.
Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]
Say, you're good.
Thanks.
Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chins. They later watch each other as they dance to "Mary had a Little Lamb"] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as PICKLE FISH LIPS!!!!! [both cover their mouths] Seaweavel. [both cover their mouths again] Yorgyshmorgies. [both cover their mouths yet again]
[in his head] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
[in his head; as SpongeBob realizes that he wasn't safe in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
Aaaggghhh!
[SpongeBob and Patrick then run out of the Krusty Krab]
Stop copying me!
There's no award for that!
[leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. [puts his hat back on and walks back in]
[he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up?
Until I have as many awards as you.
We'll see about that!
No, we won't.
[takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
Me too. [takes out a jump-rope]
Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses his arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [his body breaks down into pieces, which later hop away]
Oh, no, you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces, then he and SpongeBob repeatedly hit their heads with a hammer]
Not much fun being me, now, huh, Patrick?
Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. '[SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice. Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy...] Wheeeee-eeeeeyeeehhh-eeeeh. [...as trophies appear and spin around his head, tweeting like birds. He falls on the ground; SpongeBob laughs and runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head] My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock as SpongeBob quickly runs into his real house]
What's so great about being a big pink loser?
Stick buddy! [the stick falls over] Nah. Rock buddy! Nope. Sink buddy! [a drip of water comes out of the sink] Almost.
Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes, carnival style! And if there is anything else I can do, please hesitate to ask.
He kept us waiting for a bubble?
That's nothing! He called us fat! [begins crunching on celery stalks along with others]
[crying as she shows her clean flipper] He washed my flipper!
[storming up] He owes me money!
[following Mr. Krabs] He made me provide excellent service!
[appears with a halo and angel clothing on] Dudes! He made me experience high tide! [floats up towards the surface while laughing]
He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses!
He did?
No...But are we just gonna wait around until he does?
I say we tip somethin' over!
[All yelling, everyone tips the lifeguard stand]
Hey!
[The stand crashes to the ground]
Now what?
Get the lifeguard! [they go to the lifeguard]
[stops them] Wait! Don't waste this senseless violence on him! It's that stupid bubble of SpongeBob's that's causing all the problems! [holds up a needle] Who's with me?!
Pop the bubble! [hold up needles]
So, are you ready?
To go home?
No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy. [points to SpongeBob]
You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob] Huh? [SpongeBob burps again]Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
Four... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
I guess we started too early! Let's start again!
Five... four... three... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] ...two... [crying] ...one! Well, at least l was able to make his last few hours meaningful. [sighs] I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]
Hey, Squidward, check this out!
What the?! I-I thought you... [babbles angrily]
Squidward, we played babble like an idiot!
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!
Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.
FORGET THE BOOK! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to EXPLODE!
You want me to explode?
Yes, that's what I've been waiting for!
Um... okay, I'll try. [strains himself] GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! [laughs] Now it's your turn.
[yells, hops up and down furiously] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!
[claps] Ooh, good one.
NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]
Why would I do that?
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
What pie?
The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!
Pie...? [realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before] Oh! You mean this pie! [Squidward is shocked] I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]
[the town is now decimated] Ouch. [fade to black, episode ends]
You can't do this to me, Krabs. [Mr. Krabs blows Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] I went to college! [crashes into his restaurant] Ouch.
Okay, now let's hear that formula.
Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs.
[his eyes are now on fire] Whaaaaaaaat???
[cut to inside of robot] But we did everything you said - I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw! [holds up a straw]
Now why can't you tell me the formula?
It's your rule: never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in [holds up a bottle with the secret formula in it] ...this bottle. [Robot Krabs' eyes open widely with a "ding!" sound effect]
[inside the robot] This is it, Plankton. [pushes a lever] Gently now... [continues to push the lever, getting overly excited as he gets closer. The penny that Mr. Krabs was chasing earlier rolls under the door, then Mr. Krabs rushes in, and he gasps, including SpongeBob and the guy on the penny]
Gasp!
How could you do this, SpongeBob? Givin' me secret formuler to this...imposter?!
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli.
SpongeBob, no! Don't listen to him! I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot. [exhaust pipe smokes]
Well, if I was a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well-put together, not some rusted-out, steam-driven pile of junk!
Who are you callin' steam-driven...?
[yelling in frustration] Quiet! Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, [holds a hose attached to a tartar sauce machine] nobody gets hurt.
Tartar sauce?!
Take it easy with that thing, son. Ahh!
[squirts some tartar sauce, causing Mr. Krabs to jump into robot Krabs' arms] I'll do the talkin' around here. I think I'll ask you two a couple of questions; questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
[smiles while Robot Krabs looks worried] Okay, then.
First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
[beats Mr. Krabs to it] 9:30 A.M.
Right. [to Mr. Krabs] That's one strike, Mr. Fake.
But-
Nuh-uh-uh! I'm runnin' this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. [while rubbing the hose nozzle] Okay, now, question two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost?
$2.99!
On Wednesday...
99 cents.
Right again! [to Mr. Krabs] You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this - if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
That's an easy one. You just...just.. let's see...if it's...uh...if it's January...with...with vanilla pudding...you...uh...pass? [gets shot with tartar sauce]
What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?
We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there.
Is it a paying customer?
Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!
[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!
Um, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]
Why?! Why?! He was so young!
We’ll never forget you, Wormy!
Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."
Great Barrier Reef! That patty's spoiled!
Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?
Yeah.
What's the matter?
I can't see my forehead. What's your problem?
I got a good idea, and no one else thinks so!
I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready... for me money. [the crowd gathers around him] Welcome to Pretty Patties. May I take your money?
We want a refund, Krabs! [crowd form a mob while yelling and protesting in agreement]
Who, huh, what?
Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple! [shows his purple face]
Look what I got under me kilt! [raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear]
And look at our tongues!
[They show Mr. Krabs their respective tongues. They each show a yellow tongue, an orange tongue with green spots, and a tongue that just looks normal]
What's wrong with you?
[turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark green] We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns the light back on, but Mr. Krabs is gone]
Hey, where'd he go?
[Mr. Krabs screams and runs, and the crowd chasing him makes a rainbow road]
You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma!
No. Especially if you're a BIG BABY who wears DIAPERS! [group laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and uh...
[annoyed] ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
Really? You do, Squidward?
Yeah, your grandma!
You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
You're right, Patrick.
Have I ever not been right? [The scene cuts to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.
Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest] And say 'tax exemption'.
Tax exemption.
Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz.
["Pressure Point" by Duncan Lamont plays, with SpongeBob and Patrick having serious expressions on their faces while listening]
Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
