You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob] Huh? [SpongeBob burps again]Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
Four... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
I guess we started too early! Let's start again!
Five... four... three... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] ...two... [crying] ...one! Well, at least l was able to make his last few hours meaningful. [sighs] I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]
Hey, Squidward, check this out!
What the?! I-I thought you... [babbles angrily]
Squidward, we played babble like an idiot!
Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.
FORGET THE BOOK! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to EXPLODE!
Yes, that's what I've been waiting for!
Um... okay, I'll try. [strains himself] GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! [laughs] Now it's your turn.
[yells, hops up and down furiously] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!
NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!
Pie...? [realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before] Oh! You mean this pie! [Squidward is shocked] I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]
[the town is now decimated] Ouch. [fade to black, episode ends]
You can't do this to me, Krabs. [Mr. Krabs blows Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] I went to college! [crashes into his restaurant] Ouch.
RKRobot Krabs
Okay, now let's hear that formula.
Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs.
RKRobot Krabs
[his eyes are now on fire] Whaaaaaaaat???
[cut to inside of robot] But we did everything you said - I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw! [holds up a straw]
RKRobot Krabs
Now why can't you tell me the formula?
It's your rule: never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in [holds up a bottle with the secret formula in it] ...this bottle. [Robot Krabs' eyes open widely with a "ding!" sound effect]
[inside the robot] This is it, Plankton. [pushes a lever] Gently now... [continues to push the lever, getting overly excited as he gets closer. The penny that Mr. Krabs was chasing earlier rolls under the door, then Mr. Krabs rushes in, and he gasps, including SpongeBob and the guy on the penny]
How could you do this, SpongeBob? Givin' me secret formuler to this...imposter?!
RKRobot Krabs
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli.
SpongeBob, no! Don't listen to him! I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
RKRobot Krabs
Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot. [exhaust pipe smokes]
Well, if I was a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well-put together, not some rusted-out, steam-driven pile of junk!
RKRobot Krabs
Who are you callin' steam-driven...?
[yelling in frustration] Quiet! Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, [holds a hose attached to a tartar sauce machine] nobody gets hurt.
KRMr. Krabs and Robot Krabs
Tartar sauce?!
Take it easy with that thing, son. Ahh!
[squirts some tartar sauce, causing Mr. Krabs to jump into robot Krabs' arms] I'll do the talkin' around here. I think I'll ask you two a couple of questions; questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
[smiles while Robot Krabs looks worried] Okay, then.
First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
RKRobot Krabs
[beats Mr. Krabs to it] 9:30 A.M.
Right. [to Mr. Krabs] That's one strike, Mr. Fake.
Nuh-uh-uh! I'm runnin' this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. [while rubbing the hose nozzle] Okay, now, question two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost?
Right again! [to Mr. Krabs] You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this - if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
That's an easy one. You just...just.. let's see...if it's...uh...if it's January...with...with vanilla pudding...you...uh...pass? [gets shot with tartar sauce]
What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?
We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there.
Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!
[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!
Um, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]
Why?! Why?! He was so young!
We’ll never forget you, Wormy!
Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."
I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready... for me money. [the crowd gathers around him] Welcome to Pretty Patties. May I take your money?
We want a refund, Krabs! [crowd form a mob while yelling and protesting in agreement]
Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple! [shows his purple face]
SMScottish Man
Look what I got under me kilt! [raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear]
GFGrease Fish, Female Fish & Frank
And look at our tongues!
[They show Mr. Krabs their respective tongues. They each show a yellow tongue, an orange tongue with green spots, and a tongue that just looks normal]
[turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark green] We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns the light back on, but Mr. Krabs is gone]
[Mr. Krabs screams and runs, and the crowd chasing him makes a rainbow road]
You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma!
CCharlie
No. Especially if you're a BIG BABY who wears DIAPERS! [group laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and uh...
GGroup
[annoyed] ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
Really? You do, Squidward?
You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
Have I ever not been right? [The scene cuts to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.
Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest] And say 'tax exemption'.
Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz.
["Pressure Point" by Duncan Lamont plays, with SpongeBob and Patrick having serious expressions on their faces while listening]
Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!
GGrandma
I'll bet you'd fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? [Patrick yawns] You still here, SpongeBob?
Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.
GGrandma
[puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch] No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.
Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, I'll see ya later.
GGrandma
Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.
Yep, that is it. Here I go.
GGrandma
Come again if you get the chance.
[opens the door] Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.
I don't know when I'll be back.
GGrandma
I know how busy you are.
So, that's it. [Patrick is sleeping]
GGrandma
Shh, he's asleep.
So long... [SpongeBob slowly closes the door of grandma's house, but then slams it with a sad look on his face. He starts throwing a tantrum] I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! I want cookies! [holds a big cookie and snaps it in half in front of his face] And milky! [holds a giant milk bottle, then comes up with a sweater] I want a sweater with love in the stitches! I wanna wear diapers! [comes up with a diaper on and puts some baby powder into it] I wanna ride in my wagon! [rides in a wagon, then holds a big teddy bear] I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! I wanna rockey-rock my seahorsey! [rocks on his wooden seahorse with a hat and a lollipop] And I want a kissy on my boo-boo! [shows his bruised finger. He starts crying hysterically. He lies on the floor and cries while slamming his fists against the ground and then rolls like a wheel. Grandma looks at him sadly. SpongeBob then sits on the floor as his eyes pour tears into his mouth. Grandma thinks for a second. SpongeBob then starts crying like a sprinkler, flooding the entire house]
GGrandma
Take it easy, SpongeBob! [picks up SpongeBob, who is still crying] SpongeBob? SpongeBob! [she holds SpongeBob's mouth, stopping him from crying] SpongeBob, you don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.
GGrandma
Of course not. [pushes a cork in the floor and all SpongeBob's tears drain out] No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. [hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a chocolate chip cookie] Here you go. [SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie]
Thanks, Grandma. [bites the cookie] Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?
GGrandma
No problem. [hugs SpongeBob. Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing as the episode ends]
[in a state of tranquil fury] SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [a piece of debris from his house falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than continue living where I do now.
[A TV falls on the ground and turns on. On the television is an octopus, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow.]
AAnnouncer
Hi, there. Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest three-way?
AAnnouncer
Four-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to...
[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen] I hate this channel.
No! No! [changes it back]
AAnnouncer
...Tentacle Acres. Where happiness is just a suction cup away. [puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pops echo]
[at the gated borders of Tentacle Acres]
Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?
[Patrick picks up a cake that reads, 'Sorry.' He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them]
Ying. [SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom]
GGuard
Hello, can I help you?
[thinking it's a restaurant intercom] Can I get a large #1, extra size?
But ya just ate three orders of fried oyster skins!
[unleashing a noxious gas cloud as he says this] I love fried oyster skins.
[cut to inside the control room, where the guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his monitors]
GGuard
We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [a security guard walks up next to him] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? [the two smell Patrick's breath cloud as it wafts in through the speaker] FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh... [the two collapse, the first guard falling on a button opening the gate]
I guess we gotta order inside.
[Meanwhile, a group of octopuses are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them.]
Hey! That looked like Squidward! [the mob runs past them] That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! [Squidward has approached a dead end]
PPoliceman
Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!
Stand back! I've got gardening tools! [the policeman hands him an envelope]
PPoliceman
Here! Just read this! [Squidward looks at it]
PPoliceman
A well thought out and organized list of complaints! [the mob shouts out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
Patrick, look! It's Squidward! [he runs up to the octopus and hugs him, but he's a different octopus with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward's] Squidward! We finally found you! [the octopus pushes SpongeBob off him]
MOMale Octopus
Get off me, and I'm not Squidward! [pause]
Grievances?! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! [pause] Or at least painted a different color.
PPoliceman
F.Y.I., you don't have to live here, you know. [Squidward, and the crowd, smile]
Hey, you're right! [the crowd members' smiles fade] And I'm leaving A.S.A.P.! [meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward]
MOMale Octopus
No. [he walks up to the croquet woman]
SSquidette
No. [Patrick talks to a fire hydrant]
Are you Squidward? [pause] That's okay, take your time. [SpongeBob walks up to him]
Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! [the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally. The octopuses smile]
Freedom! Woo-hoo! [SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon]
Well, we know one thing: it sure isn't that guy. [the episode ends]
Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! [takes a big bite of the still-wrapped chocolate bar, finishes the rest, then sighs and wipes his face] I think I'll eat it now. [bites his hand accidentally] Ow! Huh? Where'd my candy bar go? I must have dropped it.
You just ate it, Pat. It's all over your face.
[still looking] Where'd it go? I'm gonna starve. Where'd it go? I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks at SpongeBob] A-ha!
[angrily confronts SpongeBob] You stole my candy bar!
Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Once a thief, always a thief.
You ate yours, this is mine.
You took my only food! [feels his stomach] Now I'm gonna starve!
[hands Patrick his candy bar] Here, Patrick, just take half of mine.
[ticked off] Yours?! You mean mine!
[furiously grabs SpongeBob by the shirt] I don't want it unless you admit you took it!
Liar, liar, plants for hire.
It's "pants on fire," Patrick.
[furiously crosses his arms and angrily pouts] Well, you would know... liar.
Well, if you're going to be that way, I'll eat it myself!
[getting ticked off, fiercely gives SpongeBob a warning] You better not. I'm warning you! Don't! [High-pitched yelling] Stop it! Don't! [enraged] Ah! [covers his ears] Ah! [screaming and shaking his head, pulls his hair while screaming]
[rips open the wrapper] Aaah... [opens his mouth wide and takes the candy bar closer to his mouth, swaying his tongue up and down, chomps lightly on the bar, puts the bar in his wide open mouth; his two teeth go across the surface of the bar, making strings of chocolate, puts the bar through his head and moves it left to right, licks the candy bar, slowly pushes the candy bar into his mouth and starts chewing]
[turns red in anger] You're a crazy person! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon!
[enraged] Did I, Patrick, did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?!
[angrily stomp his foot down] Oh! That's it! First the balloon, now my candy bar... you're out of control! I'm... [menacingly threatens] I'm telling on you.
[gasps] Not if I tell on you first!
