FFish
This shake is disgusting! Why, you probably don't even have a license to milkshake!
A license to milkshake? Well, of course I do, silly! And it doesn't expire until... [looks at his license] ...SEVEN YEARS AGO?
S9License to Milkshake
S9Little Yellow Book
Ah, yes, just how I like it... nice and empty.
OMOld Man Walker
Hey, I'm still here.
Oh, yes, sirree—nice and empty.
[voiceover] Dear diary, what an amazing day I've had! This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. Specifically, what not to feed them. The list was very thorough. Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intended those words are. Knowing I have the tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. And I hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year: cleaning day! Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. Ah yes, cleaning day.
Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.
What do you think of Mr. Krabs' new plaid kilt?
Plaid? [SpongeBob starts clucking like a chicken]
Well, you don't have to be nasty about it!
That's low, Squidward... even for you. You'd better apologize.
Pfft! He'll get over it.
MMorty
Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary, local fry cook devastated. [holding up a newspaper]
Oh, boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. [a cover of paper shows a sad photo of SpongeBob. There is writing that says "Local Fry Cook Devastated." Squidward laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Citizens stare at him scornfully] Taxi! [waving as a taxi car with the model of the boat screeches its tires approaching him]
DDriver
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader.
Yes, I am. [taxi drives away in an angry attitude after hearing Squidward's revelation. The tires squeal, Squidward coughs in the exhaust. Then he continues walking]
AMAbigail Marge
Diary thief!
Jerk!
JJohn
[from outside a house window] Secret stealer!
NNorma
Billy, stay away from that mean, old diary reader.
Idiots. [The scene changes to outside of SpongeBob's, Patrick's, and Squidward's houses, with Squidward at his front door. It opens, revealing Quincy]
QQuincy
Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. [holds up loan papers] We are repossessing your house.
[coughs] What?!
QQuincy
Take it away, boys! [Squidward's house is lifted away with a crane.]
Hi, Squidward. How's it going?
SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.
What for?
For reading your diary.
Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published! It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you! Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary! Now, that would have been really embarrassing...
S9Bumper to Bumper
[SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff crash through the wall of the house, thereby wrecking the TV]
TFTeenage Fish #1 and #2
[chuckling despite the 3-D movie gone from the TV] Wow!
I think it's safe to say you have once again [gives the driving test paper to SpongeBob with a big red 'F' imposing the sheet] failed your driving test! [SpongeBob sadly looks at the paper as the teenage fish laugh at him]
Uh, but, Mrs. Puff, I-
No buts, SpongeBob! You fail this test over and over. I'm beginning to think you are simply... [gets in his face] unteachable. [teenage fish laugh again] Now, get out of my sight.
[SpongeBob shakes and begins to look upset]
I...I... [bawling violently at Mrs. Puff as the tears blow out of his eyes] I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff...!
[SpongeBob runs off crying in despair as Mrs. Puff growls]
S9Eek, an Urchin!
Nothing ever happens in this dump...
[jumps up] Squid...!
Why did I say that?
[jumps up] Ward!
[pulls down the curtain on the window but then hears the phone ring and answers it] Krusty Krab.
Help!
[comes into the kitchen to see what's going on] What?!
Ahhhhhh!
[SpongeBob is running all around the place, Squidward grabs SpongeBob and slams him down]
What are you screaming about?!
[jumps on Squidward's head] Sea urchin! Geh...
[Squidward notices the urchin on his foot and he and SpongeBob jump onto the grill with the urchin crawling around on the walls]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
[screaming] Mr. Krabs!
[enters] What's all the ruckus?!
There's an urchin in the kitchen!
What are you talking about? The Krusty Krab is a standard in fast food cleanliness. An urchin wouldn't dare step spine in this establishment. [holds up his claw and notices the urchin on him and screams. The urchin jumps off his tongue and then he jumps onto the grill with SpongeBob and Squidward. The urchin continues to crawl around making strange noises. The grill then starts to smoke] The grill is still on... isn't it?
SSSpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs
[scream and jump into bathroom stalls, and into the toilets] Ah...
S9Squid Defense
Heh heh heh... What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! [walks down further into the alley] This time!
MMan
Hey! You! [starts walking toward Squidward]
Let me give him a taste! A mere morsel of what's in store! [karate chops] Hi-yah! [kicks] Hi-yah! [flips] Hi-yah! That one was called Washing Sandy's Windows! [the man walks closer] Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! [the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily] Okay buddy, I warned ya! [near a trash can] I like to call this one Taking Out Sandy's Trash! Hi-yah! [kicks the trash can toward the man]
MMan
What? [gets hit on the head by the trash can] Ow!
[laughs] How do you like them apples? Wah! [punches a crate at the man]
MMan
Oh! Ow!
[holding two wooden planks] Hah! Feel my wrath! [throws them] How's your uncle?!
MMan
[gets hit on the head by one of the planks] Ow! [the other hits him on the stomach] Ow!
And as my finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! He-yah! [spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Then pushes it off of him]
MMan
Oh... hey, man! Wha-what was that for? [holding Squidward's groceries] I was just trying to give you back your groceries you dropped!
[takes the groceries] Uh, oh.
Sandy! I found him! He's over here! [holding the belt] You forgot your belt silly! [looks at the man and gasps]
Gosh! What happened to you?
This guy's been... ka-rah-tayed!
After all I said about never using karate for revenge?
For shame, Squidward. For shame.
Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. [takes the belt] Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. [walks off with SpongeBob]
Whatever! I'm still a karate master!
Wow, really? You are? [walks Squidward to the police car]
Yes I am!
Hey watch your head. [Squidward gets into the police car. Then John gets into it] Oh, I'd never guess it.
And what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, uh... nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doughiness in the midsection...
Okay, already! I get it! [notices the handcuffs on him] What? Wait a second. Am I under arrest?
You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent... [Squidward screams loudly] ...or not silent. [drives off as the episode ends]
S9Jailbreak!
Psst! Hey, Sheldon!
SpongeBob?! What in the sea shell are you doing here?!
Mr. Krabs arranged for me to work here on weekends. He wants me to keep an eye on you!
Excuse me. Doesn't this count as "cruel and unusual punishment"?
PGPrison Guard 1
Pipe down, pipsqueak!
[takes out a toy baton] Look! They even gave me a training baton! [keeps tapping Plankton with it]
S9Evil Spatula
How much do we need?
Careful, SpongeBob! Just two drops and that stuff could-
Got it. Two dro- [Squeezes out some drops in the barrel. A loud explosion occurs and SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are smeared in black and their faces are blown up.]
-blow our faces off.
S9Safe Deposit Krabs
BMBank Manager
Good morning, gentlemen. [SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
We've been rumbled! Run! Scatter! Scamper! Save yourself!
BMBank Manager
What's all this about? [walks backwards to alarm button, SpongeBob pulls off ski mask.] May I help you with anything, sir?
Ah. Yes, I need to make a withdrawal. I need to withdraw one Mr. Krabs!
BMBank Manager
I assure you, Mr. SquarePants, we've received no such deposit. [opens vault]
I've gotcha now, money sucker! That does it, Lizard-breath! It's you or me, now! Just you and me! [wrestles the vacuum, and breaks it. Laughs evilly] Ooh! I conquered the money dragon! Victory! Woo!
BMBank Manager
Security! [security throws them out] And don't forget your… eh… deposit. [tosses penny at Mr. Krabs]
You know, boyo. Through this whole ordeal, I've learned a little something about greed. A little something about isolation. Heh. Even a little something about love. And you know what I realized through it all?
That you can't put a price on freedom?
Barnacles no, boy! I realized that they didn't pay interest on me deposit! [shakes fist] Hey, you cheapskates! Give me me interest! [a penny is thrown at Mr. Krabs] Well. What do you know? I doubled me money. [laughs as the episode ends]
S9Plankton's Pet
SpongeBob, before we're torn to shreds, I'd like to thank you for helping me look for Spot.
Aw, it was nothing. Hey, speaking of Spots. Did yo always have a double pupil?
A double what? [pulls Spot off eye] Spot! [dramatic music plays in the background] Thank entropy you're safe! You were hiding on my optical cornea the whole time! You sneaky little amoeba, you.
[Spot barks and licks Plankton. Plankton laughs]
Aw, I'm glad you found Spot. [animals shrieking] Unfortunately, the animals found us too.
Good-bye, Spot. I guess this is the end of the road for us.
[Spot growls, barks, and jumps out of Plankton's arms]
Spot, no!
[Spot barks at other animals. the animals laugh. Spot snarls and grows to a much larger size. Spot barks loudly at animals. The animals all run away back into their cages. The cages close. Spot growls and shrinks back to small size. Spot jumps back into Plankton's arms]
Wow, Spot! You saved us!
I taught him everything he knows!
[Spot barks and licks Plankton as the episode ends]
S9Don't Look Now
That thing's eating Squidward!
Not our bestest buddy! We gotta save him! Okay, play 33. I need you to go long. And... break. You're going down, Fisherman! [starts beating up Squidward's Fisherman costume while SpongeBob grabs Squidward's neck]
Don't worry, Squidward. We'll get you out of that old monster. Let's get to the window. [he and Squidward jump out of the window and Patrick throws heavy objects onto Squidward] Okay! I think you got it! [sirens sound; Squidward grumbles as he is taken into an ambulance] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, there, there, no need to thank us. We were only doing what friends to for the bestest buddy. Well, I guess we don't have to worry about that old monster anymore. [The Fisherman costume growls at them]
Huh?
SPSpongeBob & Patrick
[scream and run into ambulance. The Fisherman costume falls down, revealing Gary]
Meow. [starts sleeping on the costume]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.