[riding a small plane, laughing] Secret formula, you are mine! [ejects himself out of the plane]
[The plane hits the safe, but the safe is still okay.]
Perhaps I misjudged the scale on that one. [landing] That does it! Listen up, safe, I will spill your contents, even if I have to tear you apart... [rips a piece of the safe] BIT BY BIT! [rips the piece he just rips] MOLECULE BY MOLECULE!! [rips a molecule in half] ATOM BY ATOM!!! [rips an atom in half; it starts to glow and buzz. Plankton, despite going to college, had clearly forgotten what happens when you split an atom] Uh-oh.
[the split atom explodes, setting off a nuclear explosion, obliterating the Krusty Krab and the safe.]
Surely, the safe couldn't survive nuclear detonation. Come to papa! [takes the bottle containing the secret formula]
[A mail truck drives through the mountain range. Patchy is driving the truck. He appears to be parodying S.D. Kluger from the song "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town."]
PPPatchy the Pirate
Merry Christmas, kids! I bet you're wondering why ol' Patchy has this mail truck. Well, this year, I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter, so I gave Mr. Mailman the day off.
[He puts his pirate hat on the mailman tied up and gagged in the back of the truck, puts on his mailman hat and closes the door]
Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?
Oh, Potty, you silly parrot. Everyone knows that the directions to the North Pole are in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells." ♪Dashing through the snow, in a... [Mumbles] Through the fields we go. Fa la la la la.♪ Okay. So we're looking for some fields here.
No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole are in the song, "There Goes Santa Claus." ♪There goes Santa Claus. There goes Santa Claus. Left on Santa Claus Drive.♪ Scurvy brain.
Yeah, well, we ain't turnin' till we see some fields.
Look out! There's a fork in the road!
[The truck spins after the fork gets caught in the tire and they both scream.]
While we wait for the truck to stop spinning, let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.
[The camera zooms in on Bikini Bottom and into a pineapple house. A stop-motion SpongeBob and a stop-motion Gary are sleeping. An alarm clock goes off and sleigh bells are heard instead of the foghorn noise. He wakes up.]
SSSpongeBob SquarePants
♪Oh, it's drawing very near. My favorite time of the year. [He jumps out of bed and up the ladder] The snow is falling and the cold wind blows. [He gets up on the diving board, and jumps on it] Christmas is almost here. [He jumps up, automatically removing his pajamas and changing into his square pants] And I know that Santa, Santa. Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! [He spins Christmas lights around his pineapple] It keeps me warm and filled with glee to know Santa has his eyes on me. I light my house like a Christmas tree. Fa la la la la la la la lee. 'cause Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little... [A Santa hat pops out of SpongeBob's head] Eyes on me.♪
[He walks over to a house where a stop-motion Squidward is putting up lights]
Hi, Squidward. What are you doing today?
SJSquidward J. Q. Tentacles
Stringing lights so Santa knows, in no uncertain terms... [turns on lights reading "GO AWAY"] ...To "GO AWAY"!
Okayy...[Skips up to a stop-motion Patrick next to a box on a stick tied with string to a cookie] ♪Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me. He sees everything I do, with his left eye on me and his right eye on you!♪ [sees the box] Ooh, what's that?
PSPatrick Star
It's a trap! A trap for Santa!
Ooh, baited with Christmas treats?
[singing, to the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" tune] I will trap Santa in my box, locked up like Fort Knox and make him stop the clocks, and then we'll have Christmas all... year... looo-ooo-ong! [sees the cookie meant as bait] Hey, a cookie! [gets trapped by himself, anyway, as a result]
♪Ohh... Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! Fa la la la la la la la la lee! [sees a squirrel's treedome] And who is that I see? Underneath her Christmas tree?♪
SCSandy Cheeks
♪Oh, Christmas, oh, Christmas its sweet mystery. I'll mix a dash of Christmas cheer with a candy cane and deconstructed alchemy.♪
Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!
[SpongeBob skips to the Krusty Krab]
♪Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me.♪ Hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready for Christmas?
Why, Christmas is me favorite time of the year! After all, 'tis the season of gettin'!
Don't you mean the season of giving?
Exactly! The more you give, the more I get. [Laughs]
SJSheldon J. Plankton
♪Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa has his eye on me. He's seen everything I've done. Every plot, plan, and scheme. It's just a bit of fun. Santa has his eye on me. Every naughty deed is written in his scroll. So every Christmas morning, I get a stocking full of coal!♪ [Dumps out coal from his stocking]
KPKaren Plankton
Maybe you'd get a real present from Santa if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom.
I'm way ahead of you, Karen! [Periodic Table lowers from ceiling. Plankton walks over to it and sticks a piece of notepad paper on it. The paper says Jt for Jerktonium] There is one element in the known universe that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be! And I, Plankton have discovered it. Behold! [Plankton pulls a lever] Jerktonium! [A piece of Jerktonium contained in a glass capsule lowers from the ceiling] I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom a present of the most innocent of all holiday goodies. The fruitcake! [picture of a fruitcake appears on screen while he says the fruitcake] And each and every slice will be laced with Jerktonium! Once ingested, no one can help becoming the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever! Then Santa will realize that Sheldon J. Plankton isn't so bad after all! And then I'll finally get what I really want for Christmas, the Krabby Patty secret formula! [Plankton jumps on an oven and holds the fruitcake] And now for the main ingredient, Jerktonium! Okay, Jerktonium, do your stuff! It's complete! [Laughs] Ha ha! The Jerkmaker 9000 will make doling out tainted fruitcake a breeze! Now, who's gonna be my first victim?
Hey, Plankton! What've you got there? [Gasps] Hey! Is that a fruitcake dispenser? You don't suppose I could have a piece, do ya?
Ahoy, everybody! [clicks his fingers and mistletoe appears over the heads of the two fish he fed Plankton's fruitcake to, curing them of jerktonium poisoning. He clicks again and a pile of presents appears, curing two other fish. A little boy begins to play Christmas baubles like bells] [singing] Bring joy to the world, it's the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you.
Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! [Throws a snowball at Mr Krabs and cures him]
Be nice to babies and animals.
Old folks, too.
'Cause that's how you'd like them to treat you!
Use turn signals.
Don't screen my calls.
Don't you wreck the house when you deck the halls.
Spit your gum where it won't wind up on my shoe.
Squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.
Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! It's Christmas! [hands a gift to Pearl, who continues to pass it down a line, curing people as they receive it, except for Squidward, who is unaffected]
When others are talking, never interrupt.
Don't put people down or leave the toilet seat up.
'Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky!
SSSpongeBob's Friends and Co.
[in background chorus' voices] Jolly, not jerky!
Santa brought nearly every gift on your list.
Why whine about the 1 that he missed?
Don't be a jerk!
SSSpongeBob's Friends and Co.
[in background chorus' voices] Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! It's Christmas!
Don't be a jerk.
SSSpongeBob's Friends and Co.
[in background chorus' voices] Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! It's Christmas!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
What was that?
BGBritish Gentleman
Why, those are the Dwastic Wadicals, the #1 practitioners of extweme spowts. [sips tea]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Extreme what?
BGBritish Gentleman
Extweme... spowts.
"Extreme spots"? Well, that's no fair. You're already covers in extreme spots. Ooh, hold on a second. [hive buzzing, Patrick screaming, electricity crackling] Okay, let's do meet our new heroes.
AAuthor
Thank you. Yes. Oh my... well, then... I'm afraid you've broken no records.
SSSpongeBob and Sandy
[their jaws dropped] Huh?
AAuthor
This book is 30 years old. These records were broken ages ago. You, however, have sent a brand new record: Most injuries sustained while helping a friend.
[cracks into pieces] Um... hooray.
AAuthor
Say "cheese"! [takes a picture as the episode ends]
