This is serious, SpongeBob. Someone’s after me, I think I better leave town.
Patrick, I threw it, we’re having a snowball fight, don’t you get it?
Snowball fight? I wanna play, I wanna play!
S3Snowball Effect
Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and and togther, we'll defeat the Pink Menace!
That's me!
Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me! [laughs, but then ducks when Patrick throws the snowball which puts out the fireplace. He groans and closes the window]
S3One Krab's Trash
That looks like a toilet plunger I threw out yesterday!
That ain't no toilet plunger! This here's an antique! It's, um...uh... [turns the rubber part of the plunger upside-down] ...A 17th-century soup ladle, see?
Wow, was I using mine wrong! How much?
$5.
I've only got $7.
Deal.
Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.
[reads the tombstone Squidward was looking at] "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams". What a baby.
Barnacles! I'll never find-- [sees the tombstone and it shows his real name, Smitty Werben Man Jensen] The grave! Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! [digs and hits something] Jackpot! [opens up the coffin] Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa. [takes the head off with the hat on] Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! [takes his head off] Rest in pieces, Smitty. [jumps out of the hole] I got the million dollar hat.
[lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave with his head in one hand]
SSmitty
Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.
What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.
SSmitty
I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.
Yeah, right. You and what army? [But then, the skeleton zombie army came with an eerie moaning]
SSmitty
Only the army of the living dead. [all the other dead bodies are walking towards Mr. Krabs]
[scared] Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!
SSmitty
That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.
No flipping way! [takes the head of a swordfish and uses it as a sword] Back off! Back off, I say!
SSmitty
Attack. [the skeleton zombies ready to draw their weapons]
Tallyho! [sword fights a few zombies] Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! [chops up more bodies] You're falling apart, marrow brain! You must be kidding. [sword fights them] Back to oblivion! [jumps over a group of zombies] Oh, ho! How's your sister? All right, boneheads. Playtime's over. Yee-hoo! Ha-ha! [twirls around and destroys more of the skeleton zombies in the morning Mr. Krabs finishes destroying all the skeleton zombies and runs out of the cemetery] Wa-ha! A million dollars. I've got a million dollars! [runs back to his curio stand where the fish are talking altogether at once] Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars! [all of the fish look at each other and then laugh]
Yeah, you want that all at once?
F3Fish #3
One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!
NNat
Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. THEY'RE WORTHLESS! [the camera goes to a bunch of soda drinking hats are in the dumpster. The fish crack up laughing. SpongeBob walks by with a hat that has clapping hands on the top of it]
Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand. [laughs]
NNat
Now that's worth a million dollars. [SpongeBob laughs again and he leaves the background. Nat runs after him and the other fish follow] Hey, kid, wait up!
F2Fish #2
I saw him first!
F3Fish #3
I'll give you one billion dollars!
[Fred rows his row-boat along the ground to chase SpongeBob]
Well, that's a spirit breaker. [throws the soda drinking hat away and breaks down sobbing]
[walks by with flowers in hand] What a baby. [walks off and the episode ends]
S3As Seen on T.V.
[last lines]
Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling.
I'll say. I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this. [episode ends]
S3Can You Spare a Dime?
Squidward, you're making a big mistake!
Mistake? Ha! The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life at the Krusty Krab!
But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy. And what could be better than serving up smiles? [smiles really big]
Being dead or anything else!
Anyway, I just want you to know, if you ever get in trouble, come find me. I'll take care of you. 'Cause you and me, we're like brothers. Only closer...
[He lifts Squidward's shirt to reveal their conjoined hearts; Squidward screams]
[to SpongeBob, after quitting] You know, that reminds me. There's something I've been wanting to tell you from the day we first met - goodbye... Next time you'll see me, this town will be eating from the palm of my hands.
[now broke, inside the cardboard box; holding a cup] Spare change? Spare change, ma'am?
Don't you get it?! I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!
[gasps] Even your paintings?!
Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them!
Meow.
[gasps] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!
Three weeks later...
He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back. [falls down]
Many months later...
I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough. [falls down again]
BNBritish Narrator
So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one...
Meow, meow, meow.
I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!
S3No Weenies Allowed
Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice."
DDrifter
[looks like SpongeBob; has a cool black wig] What's shakin', my man?
Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before?
DDrifter
Doubt it. I'm a drifter, just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out.
Nice try, kid. I know it's you.
DDrifter
What're you talking about? [Reg pulls his hair, but it's real hair]
[pulls the drifter's hair, but it's his real hair] Aha!
[enters, wearing a rainbow afro clown wig] Hey, everybody, what's goin' on?
[Reg tries to fix the drifter's hair]
Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap.
Ho ho, I saw you running. when you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.
Well then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. [spins his legs, then his arms, trying to snap his fingers, but they're cracked in half; cut to SpongeBob showing his broken fingers, he cries and runs off, Scene cuts to SpongeBob with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream in a banana split, whimpering]
RRobot
Care for another sundae, weenie?
[jumps angrily] I am not a weenie!
N1Nerd #1
Relax, you're among friends. [raises his drink]
My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. [scroll over to Patrick in the seat next to him]
You tell 'em, SpongeBob! [sips his drink]
Patrick, what're you doing here?
I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.
N1Nerd #1
Actually, they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.
N2Nerd #2
And besides, today's Monday.
Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?
N1Nerd #1
Uhh, that's now on Sunday.
Barnacles!
N2Nerd #2
Super Weenie Hut Jr's has a Mega Weenie Monday.
N1Nerd #1
Uhh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday.
Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.
Hmmm... what about that guy? [points at a muscular fish]
[gasps and stammers] I, uh... [laughs] don't be silly. He's not botherin' anybody. I mean, not like... that guy! [points at Patrick]
Who, me?
Yeah, you! Standing there all smiling and whatnot... Somebody oughta teach you some manners!
Okay, but I must warn you: I happen to be a world championship... uh... [reading his hand] "...kick...box...er." [winks and gives a thumbs-up]
I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davey Jones! You're going down, Tubby!
[record scratch, tears up] "Tubby"...? [Growls viciously as SpongeBob is nervous] NOBODY CALLS ME "TUBBY"!!!!! [punches SpongeBob in the face, giving him a black eye]
Wait, Patrick! You're supposed to let me win, remember?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.