TV show quotes
We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin! Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food! That's all for now.
[infuriated] FREE FOOD?!?!
Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor.
You loony loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped!
Duped!
Bamboozled!
We've been smeckledorfed!
That's not even a word and I agree with ya!
We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash! The fake inspector has been captured! Here is his picture. [The photo of the impostor is shown; he looks nothing like the health inspector that visited the Krusty Krab] If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.
Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.
[gasps] I don't think he'll be laughin', boy.
Why, sir?
Because that patty KILLED HIM!
[The two scream, then check the inspector before screaming again]
Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?!
What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted patty! Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!
But you told me to give it to him!
Well, you could've talked me out of it!
What the...? How are you two making that noise?
[laughs] What noise, Squidward?
I could only hear the sound of our laughter.
Yes! But those sound effects: the avalanche, the-the-the...
Don't forget the second avalanche!
How are you doing that?
First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.
The noises! How are you two making those noises?
Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.
And... imagination. [forms a rainbow with his hands]
Are you trying to say I have no imagination? I have more..."imagination" in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.
That's good. Now all you need is a box.
I gotta try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV...
[He turns on the TV to see a show with boxes on a conveyor belt in a factory]
It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
[Changes the channel to an old professor talking about a box equation on a chalkboard.]
The equation is illustrated here by zis box.
[Changes the channel to a soap opera with Nat Peterson and Incidental 48]
I couldn't afford a present this year... so I got ya this box. [holds up a box]
That's what I got you! [holds up another box]
Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?!
[Changes the channel to a boxing match on TV]
And welcome back to Championship Boxing!
Heh-heh, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[Shows two boxes "boxing" each other in the ring]
I give up.
[Bubble transition as he looks in his closet] There's gotta be one in here! [finds a small, round green box] Ah! This hat box should do nicely. [pulls out a Mexican sombrero] Why haven't I worn this yet? [throws it off-screen, gets in the box, but he is too big for it and then just sits there. He then frowns with smoking present, looks at his watch, and then gets mad and kicks the box. Police sirens are heard]
Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
What do they want with me? What did I do? [gasps] Obviously I violated some new box kicking law. [walks out of his house showing the green box] Look, officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again.
You'll never take me alive, coppers!
No, Johnny! Don't do it! [Police sirens are heard. Squidward gets angry and kicks his green box toward SpongeBob and Patrick's box]
[opens box and sirens stop] Whoopee! Another box! [takes the hat box and closes the box they're sitting in and police sirens are heard again]
All right, where is it?
Here I am!
Where's what, Squidward?
Don't "Where's what, Squidward?" me! Where's the tape recorder?!
We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward.
Don't "We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward" me!
But we don't!
We have a tape recorder box.
Hey, our box is gone!
Oh, well.
I know, let's go see Squidward.
I hope he's not too down in the dumps today...
[Timpani drum sounds as the episode ends]
[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]
You know what the problem is?
What?
You got it set to "M" for "mini"... [turns the "M" on the belt upside down] ...When it should be set to "W" for "wumbo".
Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word.
Come on! You know. I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wumbo! Wumbo, wumboing ...
[thinking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.
...Wumbology - the study of wumbo? It's first grade, Spongebob.
Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.
[last lines]
It's great to be back! [sees Bikini Bottom got shrunk]
[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to rob the bank. They're both wearing a huge sock over their heads like a mask and are unable to see. SpongeBob has his back to the teller window]
Alright! Put the money. In. The. Bag! PUT IT IN!
Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.
[turns around, laughing] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!
Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
Uhh, savings.
May I please see some identification?
Sure. [gives him a card] Here ya go.
Thank you. [The card is shown to be SpongeBob's Jellyfishers Club Membership card; SpongeBob gives Patrick a thumbs up] Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.
Oh.
Next.
Patrick, she has lost it! She's completely institutionalized. She's forgotten what it's like to live on the outside, to not be in prison!
[Cut to a fish caught in traffic, then miserably working at a cubicle, and then solemnly looking out his window]
Coming to bed, honey?
Yes, dear.
[Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick]
We've gotta remind her that there is a life other than this! Mrs. Puff, if you come with us, I’ll stay after school, and decorate the whole classroom.
For the last time, No! I’m not going with you, that's final! Oh, oh.
Talking to inanimate objects again, huh, Puff? Hmph. Get back to your cell. No more kitchen time for you.
What the barnacle is going on?!
Get away from me! Get away!
What are you talking about, Puff?
You can't fool me. You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili. [rips off the guards' faces]
Let's face it, Puff. You've gone off the deep end.
[Scene cuts to a second guard throwing Mrs. Puff, who is in a straitjacket, in a small, yellow square room]
Get in there, you! You need a nice long stay in solitary confinement! [slams the door, which makes a squeaking sound]
Oh, well. Let's look at the positives again. I'm finally away from those two. Yes. All alone in my nice, soft room.
Made of sponge! [laughs. The room is made of yellow sponge as SpongeBob's face appears on all sides of the wall. Mrs. Puff shrieks; the scene suddenly changes back to her hollering from SpongeBob's failed driving test]
Freeze! Your joyride's over, punk. [police officers walk over]
No! What? [policemen arrest SpongeBob this time, because he now failed the driving test] Huh? What?
No. No! What are you doing? Help! Help! [As the officers carry him to the jail vehicle, he kicks his legs.] No, no, please! No! I have a snail to feed. I can't go to jail now. This is not a good time. No, please, please! I'm not a criminal! [They throw him into the back of the police car, then drives off to jail]
I can't believe it. It was all a dream. I'm not going to jail!
Why would you go to jail? You already did your time. [zoom out to reveal Mrs. Puff wearing prison striped clothes of black and white with a prison ball chained to her ankle. She squeals as the scene goes back to her hollering while the boat is in mid-air again as she's driving it with the police behind her]
Huh? Oh... it's just my imagination again. [zooms out to show Donna driving the boat]
So, what's for dinner tonight, Puff Mama, chili? [Mrs. Puff hollers again as the scene goes back to her final hollering with SpongeBob driving the boat in mid-air one last time, but without the police cars behind them]
Huh? What? Huh? Ah, forget it. [the episode ends]
[walks outside the Chum Bucket] What's this? Drops of rain frozen into ice crystals? I shall harness their energy and rule the world! [laughs evilly, but a bunch of snow falls on top of him] Ahh... oh, stop! I WISH TO RULE YOU! [he is now buried in snow]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
