[notices Patrick struggling in the water] Holy cow! Somebody's drowning!
Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed.
Dude, get your butt in the water!
If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.
Help, help! [SpongeBob stands up and takes off his shades] I can't swim!
Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning.
I'm drowning! I'm drowning!
They would have to have crossed the line...
I'm drowning 'cause I crossed the line!
[looks at the angry fish and takes out a pair of binoculars] Okay, I'll take a look, but just to prove to you that... [his eyes become huge and break through the lenses of the binoculars] ...PATRICK ISN'T DROWNING! [sees Patrick drowning]
Oh, no! That didn’t just happen! Please tell me that didn’t happen!
Where are we? We’re lost there’s no way out! Stuck, in the middle of nowhere, with SpongeBob and Patrick! [they wave] Why must every eleven minutes be filled with misery, why?!
Oh, cheer up, squid it could be worse.
Yeah, you could be bald, and have a big nose.
[Squidward's nose starts timpani and squeak]
Well, this is the end. [falls to the floor where a duck sound is quacked]
[stops hammering on their coffins] It’s not?
SpongeBob, your story has touched me heart. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to give up a best friend.
I was five years old, and me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother. Me and that dollar went everywhere together.
What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?
[sniffles] And one day at the beach, it was so hot and I was so thirsty! I SPENT IT ON A SODA!! [sobbing] My best friend! [crying]
[sobs some more because of the onions again] What? Would you get out of here!
The point is, son, sometimes, you have to set things free even though it's hard. [points to Mystery] Look at her. She misses the great outdoors, the wide-open spaces, the rolling green pastures. The kitchen is no place for a live horse.
[Two customers spit out their patties]
Alright, Mr. Krabs, I understand.
SpongeBob, where's my order?
Did you look under the tray.
Oh, no I didn't. Sorry. SpongeBob, could you just get my order?
They vanished! Squidward, do you think the Krusty Krab is haunted? When will it come for me next? [panics] I gotta get out of here!
You got it, Squidward. [laughs] Ghosts. [Mystery eats his Krusty Krab hat] Mystery, you ate my hat! [Mystery burps out his spatula, then SpongeBob gasps] Mystery, you ate my spatula! [no Krabby Patties] You ate all the Krabby Patties! [bitten stove] You ate the stove! [no one in the wheelchair] You ate Old Man Jenkins!
I don't want to be a burden.
[Angry customers]
Folks, we have a minor situation going on in the kitchen.
F1Fish #1
Where's our food?
F3Fish #3
This is my only lunch hour!
F4Fish #4
Where's Old Man Jenkins?!
Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!
[Everyone laughs]
Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.
Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say.
"The only people, who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one".
SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first! [walks out from behind the counter] And not just the extra ones. [walks off as SpongeBob follows]
[turns around] Good for you?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
No, Squidward, I meant... good for your soul. [background turns to a heaven-like sky and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo and doves are seen flying in the background and a choir is heard]
Oh, please! I have no soul! [background turns to fire, and flying bats and evil laughter are heard. Squidward is surprised, stopping those effects, and looks to the viewer's left. He walks off]
What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?
[with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty] I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. [drops the patty in the garbage]
I had to say garbage... but, okay! [runs to the garbage can. He sees the Krabby Patty. He inhales deeply and eats almost everything in the garbage can. When he lifts up his head, he suddenly realizes the Krabby Patty ends up being the only thing left in the garbage. He extends his tongue, revealing all the trash he ate. He spits out what's in his mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty]
Oh no! [runs over and grabs it out of Squidward's hand] What's this doing here?! This patty should be cremated! [runs to the furnace, throws it in, and cries. Squidward walks up] I know you didn't like him, but... it means so much that you came. [runs off and Squidward cries]
Hmm, honey...? [wakes up] What? [groaning] Ohh! I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me! [runs out of his house, panting, but tiptoes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab, putting his face up against the door] There it is unguarded! All I have to do is--! Wait, it's too easy. There must be some kind of security? [sees dripping coming from above the door inside and looks up and notices a bucket] This is our burglar alarm? A bucket of water? Ha-ha. [walks in, knocking the bucket off the door] That was too easy. [sniffs] Hey, this isn't water. This is gas! [A robotic arm with an ignited match drops it, lighting a screaming Squidward on fire, who runs all the way into the kitchen, where another bucket of gas falls on him and then fire is seen again, as he screams again in pain. Finally, he walks up to the Patty Vault, wide-eyed, and opens the door to reveal hundreds and hundreds of Krabby Patties. In later TV airings, after Squidward says "There it is...", the camera zooms in on the Patty Vault, and Squidward does the same routine after the zoom in; he gasps] Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start. [picks up a patty] All that matters is that it's just you... and me... and nobody...
Squidward? [Squidward's face drops] Is that you?
[turns around] SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? [points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again]
[takes off his green hat] I always come to work at 3:00 AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds. What are you doing here?
And why is the patty vault open?
And why are you holding a patty behind your back?
I... I... I... no, I didn't do...
And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [stops, and grins very smugly]
No, no, wait...it's not what you think. Th-This is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you! You better listen to me, SpongeBob!
You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?
[slams the vault door, and emerges from the big piles of Krabby Patties happily] Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I LOVE KRABBY PATTIES! [eats two patties]
SpongeBob I knew it all along, Squidward. No one can resist a Krabby Patty. [Squidward eats a bunch of Krabby Patties in all sorts of ways, even a dozen at a time] Squidward! How many are you eating? Squidward! [Squidward keeps eating all the Krabby Patties in the vault, Pac-Man style] Squidward, you can't eat all those patties at one time! SQUIDWARD!
What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?
No, worse - it'll go right to your thighs!
My thighs? [pan down showing Squidward's enlarged thighs]
[Then the Krusty Krabs explodes. We see the ambulence carrying Squidward's head while the physician carries a bucket of Squidward's body]
PPhysician
[chuckles] I remember my first Krabby Patty...
[Episode ends]
FFlats
Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt.
Whoa! [giggles] That joke was almost funnier the second time!
FFlats
[gets close to SpongeBob] No, I mean it.
[giggles again] That time it almost seemed like... [Flats tears off his chest hair revealing "I MEAN IT".] ...you did mean it. [Mrs. Puff is writing on the board] Mrs. Puff?
Can I be excused for the rest of my life?
It must’ve been years since we seen each other. Oh, let me get going, he”s Gotta go back to school, soon, he says he’s gonna kick somebody’s butt.
Hello, is this pizza castle?
[SpongeBob slams to a door]
Oh Gary, I'm too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven't gotten to do! [cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone] Hang on, I'll transfer your call. [cut back to a knock on the door] Who is it? [door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams] Flats!
FFlats
It's butt-kicking time!
Gary, there's something I want you to know, but I'm too scared to remember what it is. [Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breathes harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder]
Go away, Gary. I don't want you to see this. It'll be ugly. [Gary gets out a camera from his shell]
Hold on. [puts a blindfold over his eyes] Okay, I'm ready. [Flats punches SpongeBob, but it doesn't hurt him] I said I'm ready. [Flats tries again but same result happens] Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. [Flats punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles] That tickles. [Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob] Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you know what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! [cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary] You have any sevens?
[chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast, while Flats is still punching him. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but is now exhausted. He passes out due to exhaustion] Flats, are you okay? [everyone cheers] Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that's riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... [clenches fist] ...'violence road'.
[walks in] Sorry I'm late, class, I... [gasps as she sees SpongeBob's fist and Flats on the ground] SpongeBob! I can't believe you beat up a new student! [zoom out of school] I'm going to kick your butt!
[Episode ends]
