Stanley, I cannot keep covering for you! [screams upon seeing Stanley bent his spatula] No! Not my spatula! My spatula... [sniffs] The thing I hold nearest and dearest to my heart...
KMr. Krabs
[enters] SpongeBob, what in the name of Neptune is going-- ? Oh, you broke your spatula. That's a shame. I'll order another one tomorrow, boy.
No, no, no!!! I didn't break my spatula, he did it! And I also didn't burn your money. He did that, too! I have been covering for him, because he can't DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!! [he breathes very heavily after screaming out the truth]
He's right! I ruin everything I touch!
Why, Mr. Krabs? WHY does he HATE us so?!
KMr. Krabs
Well, you might as well blame me, SpongeBob. There was a time when Plankton and I...were...best friends.
[Shocked gasps from everyone]
KMr. Krabs
Friends at birth, you might say. Even as wee ones.
KMr. Krabs
[running to Squidward] Squidward! Where the barnacles is SpongeBob? This place is going down the toilet! Patties need flipping!
If I knew, do you think I'd be standing here getting yelled at by a bunch of morons?
KMr. Krabs
Don't talk back to your superior officer, you...
[Both start arguing. Sandy comes in.]
Squidward! Mr. Krabs! Y'all seen SpongeBob?
I think we just went through this...
KMr Krabs
What he means to say is, no, we haven't.
Well, apparently, he's left Bikini Bottom, and he ain't coming back. [hands Mr. Krabs the note]
KMr Krabs
Let me see that. [begins to read] To whom that may concern, [muttering] ...aka... aka? Idiot Boy? [shocked] Idiot Boy?! [horrified, he realizes that the letter was written by SpongeBob because everyone called him Idiot Boy] It is SpongeBob! What am I gonna do without me fry cook?!
What am I gonna do without my best friend?! I should never have been mean to you! [starts to cry]
I should have never kicked you out of my house! [starts to cry as her helmet fills up with her tears]
[voice breaking] If I'd known that was the last time I'd see SpongeBob, I would have [happily] slammed the door in his face even harder! [he happily starts guffawing, while Patrick and Sandy are still crying]
KMr. Krabs
All right, group meeting! Everybody out! The Krusty Krab's closed until further notice! [closes the doors] Now, how do you propose we find me money-making employee? [he and the others gather around]
Listen up, y'all! I got a plan to bring back SpongeBob.
Yup, and it involves this. [shows a device] It'll track any sponge within a 50-mile radius.
So, you're saying this thing can actually find SpongeBob? [holds the device]
You got it, Squid Cakes, but it's gonna take all of us to find-- [Squidward smashes the device with a mallet]
SKSandy, Mr. Krabs and Patrick
[gasp]
[holding the mallet while panting heavily like a maniac] Oops, I dropped it.
KMr. Krabs
[becomes infuriated that his nose inflates and bursts like a balloon, with a large amount of water coming out of it] Mr. Squidward! This device was me last chance to get this place back into ship shape! And since you destroyed it, I am ordering you to find SpongeBob!
[laughs] I wouldn't seek out that twit for all the leotards of the sea.
KMr. Krabs
If you don't find him, you'll be out of a job forever.
Ha! Is that your version of a threat?
KMr. Krabs
Oh, Squidward, don't forget your retirement gift.
Mr. Krabs, I am not interested in any---- [gasps] Is that a handcrafted, jewel-encrusted, ornamental egg? That'll complete my collection! [he runs to the egg] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Krabs!
KMr. Krabs
[stops Squidward, who falls to the floor] Not so fast! Bring back me number-one fry cook first.
Here it is! You must recognize this place.
KMr. Krabs
Don't recognize the Krusty Krab? Stop your kidding, boy. [takes out the greasy spatula that SpongeBob used to use] And start frying up them patties.
MCMayor CheeseHead
[holds the spatula] I was a fry cook before?
KMr. Krabs
Aye, the best in the business. Now get flipping.
MCMayor CheeseHead
Look, guys, as much as I'd love to toil the days away flipping burgers, [leaves] I think I'll just go back to my modest job [drops the spatula] as mayor of a major city.
Whoo-hoo-hoo, SpongeBob's leaving for real this time! [to Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs, I brought back your number one fry cook. You gotta pay up.
KMr. Krabs
All right, Mr. Squidward, a deal's a deal. Here's your fancy egg.
Oh, it's beautiful! [Squidward laughs with excitement and is admiring his egg until he slips on the spatula, which sends the egg flying] No...! [when SpongeBob the mayor leaves the Krusty Krab, the egg crashes onto his head. Squidward is upset that his egg is destroyed and a bump rises on the SpongeBob's head]
Yeah, just a bit of a headache, Sandy-- [He looks around the Krusty Krab and realized that his memory is coming back] Hey, I remember this place!
KMr. Krabs
We're really sorry we ran you out of town, boy. But we're glad you're back.
I'd really love to stay, but the people of New Kelp City need their mayor. [put on the mayor hat again] Goodbye, everyone.
KSMr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick
Oh, not again. / What? / Huh?
[before SpongeBob leaves the Krusty Krab] Stop what you're doing and don't go out that door. [SpongeBob stops and looks at the TV in the Krusty Krab] This is a KNKC special report. Panic in the streets of New Kelp City as rampant bubbles bring visibility down to 0. The angry citizens here blame the apocalyptic scene on Mayor CheeseHead BrownPants and his newly-enacted bubble policy. [gets punched aside by Pirate 12 again]
P1Pirate 12
If I ever see Mayor BrownPants again, I'm gonna grab his little, yellow head and literally rip his—! [screen changes to "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Share the frustration."]
KMr. Krabs
Where's SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen.]
[rings a bell] Order up! [hands a Krabby Patty on plate] Who wants to be a dumb old mayor when you're the best fry cook in town? [laughs] And how could I ever leave behind my bestest friends?
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Krabby Patty! [eats the Krabby Patty] SpongeBob, another masterpiece.
It's great to have you back, Spongy!
[sighs] Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever!
[In the background cows are mooing. Squidward opens his head, removes his brain, and throws it in the trash can]
KMr. Krabs
Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. [Mr. Krabs shows some images] 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one.
[Mr. Krabs starts crying and SpongeBob is crying too]
KMr. Krabs
[cheered up] Yes?
I would like to donate a penny....
IF I ONLY HAD ONE!!! [cries harder as Mr. Krabs screams inside his shell]
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny! [laughs]
[takes out the "penny" he picked up] No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection! I think it's peppermint.
KMr. Krabs
Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved! There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya!
Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. [Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it] Hey, this isn't gum or a penny at all. [pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill] It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection! [throws the bill over his shoulder and walks away annoyed] Ah well, good night, Gary.
[He discards the dollar; however, Mr. Krabs is still convinced there's a penny around]
KMr Krabs
[digging some holes] Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere! I'll just have to keep digging...!
KMr. Krabs
I think that it's safe to say that no matter how diabolical Plankton's plans may be, he'll never have the loyalty of me good customers.
One Krabby Patty, please.
KMr. Krabs
But of course, my good customer. That'll be ten dollars.
Ten dollars? What happened to one dollar?
KMr. Krabs
Ahem, perhaps you'd like to speak to our financial expert. [the "financial expert" is the lionfish that was chasing Plankton, Scooter is scared, and gives Mr. Krabs $10]
[muttering] Stupid inflation.
KMr. Krabs
Thanks for your business.
[Everyone laughs for about half a minute, they then gradually stop and get bored, then walk away, the lion then growls, and the episode ends]
[SpongeBob runs out of the theater, he grabs an ax and looks for Boaty, he sees a bus coming toward him, SpongeBob strikes at it with his axe. The bus stops, and everyone in Bikini Bottom steps out]
KMr. Krabs
Sheesh. Calm down, boy.
You're all still alive? Well, where did you go?
KMr. Krabs
It was National No SpongeBob Day!
"National No SpongeBob Day"?
KMr. Krabs
Yeah. A whole day dedicated to getting away from you!
A day? But you guys have been gone for weeks!
KMr. Krabs
Uhh... heh heh, yeah well... we kinda milked it a little.
[Patrick comes out of the bus, he has balloons and a t-shirt with SpongeBob crossed out on it, SpongeBob sees this and gasps in shock]
Yeah. Everyone needs at least one day away from... [laughs like SpongeBob imitating his face]
[sadly] I'm... glad you had fun. [sobs]
KMr. Krabs
Aww, cheer up, boy. It's a whole day inspired by you.
KMr. Krabs
Of course! [cut to a scene of everyone in Bikini Bottom except SpongeBob around a SpongeBob made of wood] First, we build a giant wooden effigy of you, then we burn it to the ground. [the citizens burn it] Whoo-hoo! Burn, baby! [cut to everyone dancing on the ashes of the effigy] And dance on the ashes like there was no tomorrow. [cut back to the present time]
Wow. A whole day dedicated to me! [blushes]
Big deal. Wait 'til you see "No Patrick Day"! Come on, everyone. Let's go!
[Everyone gets back on the bus. SpongeBob knocks Patrick off when he tries to get on. The bus drives off and Patrick immediately forgets what happened and what he said]
Where'd everybody go? Hello? Hello [looks around and the episode ends as a heartbeat is faintly heard]
Ah. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are there. He gasps]
KMr. Krabs
Behind your back?
You mean this? [pulls his splinter out from behind his back, but it is covered by his hat]
KMr. Krabs
Put your hat on, boy! Show some company pride!
[puts his hat on] Heh, company pride, of course.
KMr. Krabs
Uh, SpongeBob?
KMr. Krabs
Have you always had three legs?
[has a sock and shoe covering his splintered thumb] Yes.
KMr. Krabs
[believing him] Interesting... Well, what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about? [SpongeBob screams] All right, boy, let's see it. [SpongeBob whimpers] Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter. I mean, how bad could it...? [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled center. His thumb is now red. Mr. Krabs gags] Oh, merciful Neptune! [Squidward moans and faints] Okay, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] Problem sol... [green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face. He takes out an umbrella as it dies down. There is a close-up of SpongeBob's free hand, bending his splinter-free thumb] Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you workman's "compersation."
What's worker's compensation?
KMr. Krabs
You know, when you get paid for sitting at home.
[his eyes shoot open. He gets up] You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?
KMr. Krabs
Yeah, what do ya' think "compersation" stands for?
[gets the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times] Ow!
KMr. Krabs
Uh, Squidward?
[Squidward smashes the cash register on his head another two times then throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it.]
Can I get my "compersation" now?
KMr. Krabs
No. Sorry, Squidward, your shift ended over two minutes ago.
Mr. Krabs, isn't that the stolen secret ingredient?
KMr. Krabs
Uh, what are you talking about, SpongeBob? I'm not holding any secret ingredient. [holds it out, then hides it]
PPoliceman
You might want to stand that you stole the item in question?
KMr. Krabs
Well, I wouldn't call it stealing.
PPoliceman
And you were going to let someone else take the fall for this little caper?
KMr. Krabs
I can explain!
KMr. Krabs
It's simple, $1.99 is a lot to pay for the secret ingredient every time I get a delivery, so I took it to avoid paying, you know.
PPoliceman
I think Judge Trout will be very interested to hear this little story. [handcuffs him]
KMr. Krabs
What? What'd I do?
[The scene cuts to the court house]
JJudge
All rise. Eugene Krabs.
KMr. Krabs
Your honor...?
JJudge
As punishment for committing the crime of grand theft, I sentence you to give away Krabby Patties for free all day tomorrow. [whacks the gavel]
KMr. Krabs
Give away me Patties for free?! Oh no, I couldn't bear the sight of that!
[The scene cuts to the next day at the Krusty Krab, where SpongeBob is giving away free Krabby Patties as Mr. Krabs is strapped to a chair as two officers hold his eyes open]
[giving away Krabby Patties to the customers for free] Step right up, and get your free Krabby Patties!
[When SpongeBob gives away free Krabby Patties, the two policemen holds Mr. Krabs still while he is crying, then the policemen laugh]
KMr. Krabs
♪ Rolling, rolling, rolling! Money keeps on rolling along! ♪ [playing bowling with money] 1 more time! [notices Plankton] No way, Plankton! You're not getting me formula this time or any time! [throws him on the counter, then gets a spoon, and crushes him]
Don't bother. There's no need.
KMr. Krabs
What are you talking about?
[slides out of the spoon] I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now.
KMr. Krabs
[laughs] You're really funny man! You think you can compete with me? Look Plankton, look at all these loyal customers. Loyal to me, Plankton, not to you!
Hey, Plankton, can I get another one of your delicious Chum Sticks?
But of course, loyal customer. [hops out of Mr. Krabs' hands, onto Nat's hand] I'll see you later, loser. Much later! [laughs]
Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash.
KMr. Krabs
Look at all that loot!
That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum!
KMr. Krabs
D'oh, just put me out of me misery!
[Nat walks in, angered]
Back for more of my delicious chum, I see!
PKPlankton and Mr. Krabs
Huh?
Not ever again! [throws all the money at Karen] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me!
Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...Huh?
I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor...twice! [groans in pain] If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped...again. [gets carried out]
"The deal" was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining.
All this time, I never had one regular customer?
Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop?
Ugh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton!
What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! [cries]
Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat!
KMr. Krabs
What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. [laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
