Perch Perkins quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Here it is! You must recognize this place.

MCMayor CheeseHead

Nope.

Don't recognize the Krusty Krab? Stop your kidding, boy. [takes out the greasy spatula that SpongeBob used to use] And start frying up them patties.

MCMayor CheeseHead

[holds the spatula] I was a fry cook before?

Aye, the best in the business. Now get flipping.

MCMayor CheeseHead

Look, guys, as much as I'd love to toil the days away flipping burgers, [leaves] I think I'll just go back to my modest job [drops the spatula] as mayor of a major city.

Whoo-hoo-hoo, SpongeBob's leaving for real this time! [to Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs, I brought back your number one fry cook. You gotta pay up.

All right, Mr. Squidward, a deal's a deal. Here's your fancy egg.

Oh, it's beautiful! [Squidward laughs with excitement and is admiring his egg until he slips on the spatula, which sends the egg flying] No...! [when SpongeBob the mayor leaves the Krusty Krab, the egg crashes onto his head. Squidward is upset that his egg is destroyed and a bump rises on the SpongeBob's head]

You okay, SpongeBob?

Yeah, just a bit of a headache, Sandy-- [He looks around the Krusty Krab and realized that his memory is coming back] Hey, I remember this place!

SpongeBob's back!

We're really sorry we ran you out of town, boy. But we're glad you're back.

I'd really love to stay, but the people of New Kelp City need their mayor. [put on the mayor hat again] Goodbye, everyone.

KSMr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick

Oh, not again. / What? / Huh?

He's leaving, again!

Perch Perkins

[before SpongeBob leaves the Krusty Krab] Stop what you're doing and don't go out that door. [SpongeBob stops and looks at the TV in the Krusty Krab] This is a KNKC special report. Panic in the streets of New Kelp City as rampant bubbles bring visibility down to 0. The angry citizens here blame the apocalyptic scene on Mayor CheeseHead BrownPants and his newly-enacted bubble policy. [gets punched aside by Pirate 12 again]

P1Pirate 12

If I ever see Mayor BrownPants again, I'm gonna grab his little, yellow head and literally rip his—! [screen changes to "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Share the frustration."]

Where's SpongeBob?

[SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen.]

[rings a bell] Order up! [hands a Krabby Patty on plate] Who wants to be a dumb old mayor when you're the best fry cook in town? [laughs] And how could I ever leave behind my bestest friends?

Patrick

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Krabby Patty! [eats the Krabby Patty] SpongeBob, another masterpiece.

It's great to have you back, Spongy!

[sighs] Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever!

[In the background cows are mooing. Squidward opens his head, removes his brain, and throws it in the trash can]

S5 E18 What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?

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Like we're really gonna turn all this money for-

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Wrestle Camp! Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp!

Perch Perkins

Wrestle Camp it is.

[The janitor vacuums up all the money and Mr. Krabs falls apart, then the janitor walks away]

See you at Wrestle Camp, Mr. Krabs! [drops a wrestle camp hat on Mr. Krabs and the episode ends]

S6 Krusty Krushers

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[Patrick looks at SpongeBob, who gives him a thumbs up. Patrick looks at Don Grouper and Mr. Krabs. Patrick looks at SpongeBob again]

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...!

Patrick

[turns to the audience; awkwardly] Good evening, ladies and the other ones. I know you're all excited to see the 400th commercial, but before we see it, I just want to say that Frozen Krabby Patties are MADE WITH SAND! [The audience gasps in shock]

[shocked] Oh, no! [faints in Don Grouper's arms again]

DGDon Grouper

That was cute when you were rich. [drops Mr. Krabs and surrenders with his hands up guiltily] I'm out of here. [leaves the stage as the audience vomit out sand. In doing so, their butts shrink down to their normal size. The scene changes to a graph of the Frozen Krabby Patty sales going down]

Perch Perkins

And in shocking news today, it has been revealed that Frozen Krabby Patties are made with sand.

[As everyone is watching the news, various people vomit out sand and their butts shrink back to normal. One of which vomits out palm trees. Another vomits out patty-shaped sand. Another vomits out sand shaped like a rectangular box. Another vomits sand through his eye sockets. Another vomits out sand with a snail in it. Then their butts begins to shrivel up afterwards. Not wanting to take this anymore, the customers decided once and for all to throw away all of the frozen patties they bought. Mr. Krabs is seen near a trashcan, depressed. The Krusty Factory is being closed down and pushed away by construction workers]

Well, it's gone. Everything I spent me life building is all gone. I'm ruined. [sobs]

S9 E22 Goodbye, Krabby Patty?

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[after being grabbed and throwed into the kitchen by the customers] SpongeBob, what did you do? The patties taste horrible! Everybody hates them! [Spongy Spongy growls and pulls out his wooden club] What the— [screams in panic and runs out of the kitchen] SpongeBob's gone crazy! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

SSSpongy Spongy

[grunts] Spongy! Spongy! [growls as he smashes the tables]

[The customers run out and scream in panic. Spongy Spongy whacks Nat Peterson's buttocks with his club and goes on a violent rampage across town, causing all sorts of damage in the process]

Perch Perkins

This is Perch Perkins live at the Krusty Krab, where we understand that a local fry cook has just gone nuts. [Spongy Spongy smashes the Krusty Krab sign with his club. The sign falls on top of the restaurant, causing damage to it. Perch Perkind gets whacked in the head with a club by Spongy Spongy] Ooh! This just in... Ow!

S11 Cave Dwelling Sponge

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LLarry

[amazed by the reflection] Whoa, those dudes are huge! I wonder what they lift. [hits Bubble Bass slightly with his elbow]

Bubble Bass

[notices the reflection and drops his drink in fear] Those aren't dudes. They're giant monsters! [screaming] EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!! [the three start panicking and run around in circles, Louie is biting SpongeBob, and their ruckus causes the lighthouse to start rocking. At the same time, Mrs. Puff is still listening and rocking to the rock music, unaware of what's going on outside. The lighthouse tips over and rolls out of the boating school. Larry, Bubble Bass, and the small fish are still panicking until they see that the reflection is gone]

LLarry

[happy] Those buff monsters have vanished! [hugs the other two] We're saved! [he and the other two hear some noise, and realize the lighthouse is coming their way]

Bubble Bass

We're doomed! [gets out his drink and starts walking across the sidewalk away from the lighthouse, while the other two runoff in a different direction. The lighthouse runs over him, causing him to get submerged into the sidewalk with his posterior sticking out] My cheeks!

[Bikini Bottom News plays, showing Perch Perkins having an interview with Fred about the lighthouse.]

Perch Perkins

Can you please tell our viewers the cause of this destruction?

[frightened] It was a lighthouse. It rolled through town, destroying everything in its path! [pants] A lighthouse! [goes on his knees and starts crying]

PPPerchy Perkins

[shocked] My goodness. Were you or YOUR LEGS injured by this insane lighthouse?

[sad and kicks a rock] No.

S12 Lighthouse Louie

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Perch

Welcome to the annual Bikini Bottom Parade, and it's a beautiful ocean day for it. I'm Perch Perkins, coming to you live from downtown. And with me is this year's co-host, the one and only Ice Cream King. [the Ice Cream King is asleep, and flails wildly when Perch touches him] It's an honor to have you, Your Majesty. Do I call you King or Ice?

[gasps] Hey, you're that guy! How'd you get out of my TV, [pinches Perch's cheek] you bad little boy? [squishes Perch's cheeks] Ooh, you're wearing makeup! [close-up of purple makeup on Perch's face] Are you a cloud? [shakes him] I want a balloon!

Perch

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. We'll get you a balloon. [cheers and applause, Pearl and a marching band march past] And to kick off this year's parade here comes the Bikini Bottom High School marching band. You know, even when they're not playing, they love to march together. The band is actually made up of 35 individual bands. Amazing precision from these youngsters! [The band members make the shape of a flower cloud.]

[gasps] They all wore the same outfit. How embarrassing. [The band members make the shape of a jellyfish.]

Perch

Oh, a perfect jellyfish!

That's a jellyfish? I was gonna say a clump of hair.

[A trumpet player splits into two and spins away.]

Perch

Wait, did that kid just separate into two organisms via binary fission? [another one splits and spins away]

I've been bicycle fishing. It really hurts. [the crowd cheers as the band members split into more jellyfish, then clear out a rectangular space]

Perch

[laughs] Aren't those kids amazing? [horn honks, boats drive wildly onto the road as pedestrians run away] And what have we here? It's the kooky Nitwitting Club.[One member jumps out of his boat, dumps his brain out of a bucket, puts it on his head, and runs away. Another one spins on the brain and leaves a trail of drool. The Ice Cream King comes in with a boat on his head, makes engine noises, and rolls around.] Okay, the Ice Cream King has joined his fellow Nitwitters. Whoa, I've never seen anyone drive like that before! [crowd cheering]

S13 SpongeBob's on Parade

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[At the start of the parade, the Krusty Krab float is between Fred's leg float and a jellyfishing float with a robotic Kevin. Mr. Krabs is on top of the formula bottle and SpongeBob is at the deep fryers.]

Boy, after seeing this float, everyone will rush to the Krusty Krab! How ya set up with those [points down] expired fries, boy-o?

[takes out baskets] Good and greasy, boss! [puts baskets in grease]

Ready, Mr. Squidward?

[squished inside the patty] No, I'm not! I can't see a thing with SpongeBob in front of me!

Excellent! It's our turn. Let's move it out! [The float crashes through the "Parade Start" banner. Bubble transition to the float for Larry's Gym moving past. Two strong fish are lifting weights.]

Perch

Next up we have the Beefy Bros from Larry's Gym. Whoa, look at those meatheads pump iron.[Larry lifts up the float and laughs] That's some impressive muscle hustle![An inflated Mrs. Puff floats down the street, being carried by kids in small boats.]

Perch

And here comes Mrs. Puff. Oh, as her own balloon!

Whoa, I want that balloon![Patrick's rock slides past, making a scraping sound.]

Perch

Patrick's rock is one float that doesn't float.

AAudience

Aah! [covers their ears, Bubble Bass gestures on top of the Invisible Boatmobile with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.]

Perch

Oh, looks like Bubble Bass has hitched a ride with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. And what's this? [Fred rides by in a float of his leg.] Not to be outdone, it's Fred in his incredible My Leg Mobile.

My leg! My leg! I'm in my leg!

[sniffs and inhales Perch's hair] I smell grease!

Perch

Oh, that's not me you're smelling, King!

S13 SpongeBob's on Parade

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Perch

[as Squidward's spot is empty] The Krusty Krab float is coming in hot!