KMr. Krabs
It's beautiful. I'm sellin' twice as many patties and I don't even have to cook 'em! This is the happiest, and most cost-effective day of me whole life! [hugs all the money and laughs]
Nooo! How is this possible?! I freeze his place solid and he turns it into an ice rink! He's making more money than ever!
That's because, unlike you, he's a good businessman.
Well, if it isn't the wind beneath my wings.
I don't understand why you don't just steal a Krabby Patty in all that confusion.
[realizes] I'll be right back. [chuckles and leaves]
[sighs] I don't know why I encourage him.
I know. Isn't it great? It looks just like the Krusty Krab.
KMr. Krabs
It looks more like Plankton tryin' to steal me restaurant! [steps out of a taxi with suitcases in hand and a hat on his head]
Mr. Krabs! You've returned from your vacation. [the word "Exposition!" appears above SpongeBob's head]
KMr. Krabs
And it's time for the Krusty Krab to return from its vacation. [He scuttles to the back of the building and as he grunts with effort, he pushes the Krusty Krab over to its original spot. Then flips it over to have the doors face the street]
KMr. Krabs
[takes the safe out from his throat. It was covered with saliva. He takes out the formula for the patties] And I bet you tried to steal this, too.
[chuckles sheepishly] Well, steal is such a strong word. [Mr. Krabs grabs him on the side of his eye. He screams in pain]
KMr. Krabs
You don't really think I'd leave me secret formula behind when I go on vacation, do ya? Now...
KPMr. Krabs and Plankton
"Stay away from me..."
"...restaurant, bug." I think we've been through this one before. Allow me to do the honors. [throws himself back at the Chum Bucket, but doesn't scream like he always does. He lets out a blank expressionless monotone scream. Plankton lands face-first on the ground, where the Chum Bucket previously was]
[upset] Oh, excellent job, genius. Ya really fixed the place up.
[muffled] Don't nag me, Karen. I've had a long day.
KMr. Krabs
Ahoy, Squidward! GOOD NEPTUNE! SpongeBob, what has gotten into to you, son?!?
I think he's in some kind of self-induced trance.
KMr. Krabs
No, Squidward. This is worse. He's got the Thousand-Yard Stare. I had it once meself back in me service days. [shakes SpongeBob] What is it, lad?!? Quick, we're losing money!!!
[SpongeBob's hat falls off, exposing a calander in it; Mr. Krabs reads it]
KMr. Krabs
It's the boy's tiny calendar. And he has circled today's date. [reads the circled date] "Important Food Critic Visits Krusty Krab"!?!?
That's what's causing all this? Only a complete idiot would worry about what some critic has to say.
[Mr. Krabs adapts the same Thousand-Yard Stare as SpongeBob and they both shudder in horror]
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob, what's the meaning of this?
[SpongeBob inspects a plate and then notices a spot and screams]
OHHHHH! SPOT, SPOT, SPOT!
KMr. Krabs
That's right, a spot. You know the rule. Nobody leaves work till...
...till everything's ship-shape, sir. Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'll get this plate cleaned up in a jiffy.
KMr. Krabs
Oh, and, uh, lock up when you're done.
Lock up? Wait, Mr. Krabs. Don't you remember what happened last time you left me here alone?
[Flashback when the Krusty Krab is on fire, Mr. Krabs was shedding his tears. We cut back to the present]
KMr. Krabs
Should've never left you alone with a lit blow torch and me roller skates. But, since I've removed all the welding equipment from the premises, there's no-ho-ho chance of that happenin' again, right? Now, get to work.
[starts chopping vegetables] I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen, I can make something other than... [chops vegetables into a Krabby Patty then laughs nervously] Just warming up. [Mr. Crustacean gets angry, he then screams than gets a tray of stuff and puts in in the oven] Come on, SpongeBob! [whistles and then takes out a Krabby Patty and throws it on the ground, Mr. Crustacean gets angry again, he then cracks an egg into a pan] Just one egg then... [egg turns into a Krabby Patty and SpongeBob gets mad and throws it on the ground along with many other Krabby Patties] No, that's not it either...
CMr. Crustacean
YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY--! [Krabby Patty accidentally lands in his mouth and he eats it] This taste is... is fantastic! What do you call it? [he then eats another one]
CMr. Crustacean
[eats more Krabby Patties] The whole world must taste this!
Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab... [We see that the Krusty Krab is all decorated fancy]
KMr. Krabs
Hey, Squidward, look at this! [holds up a plate with a small fruit on it] We're charging 52 smackeroos for this little guy. [laughs and then Squidward smells its horrible odor]
KMr. Krabs
I don't know! Some kind of bean paste or something.
LSLe Schnook
Wrong, monsieur! It is ze Rare Fruit of ze Kazook Tree.
KMr. Krabs
So it's supposed to smell like a rotten gym socks?
LSLe Schnook
Its naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.
KMr. Krabs
Shredded... [gulps] gold? [Le Schnook then starts shredding gold with a cheese grater. Mr. Krabs screams and takes it away from him] Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?
LSLe Schnook
Price can be no object when it comes to dealing with exquisite food like zis. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients, and eaten with only the finest silverware, while sitting on the finest furniture! [Le Schnook tries to sit in one of the chair, but it is just a billboard] Zis... is not ze chair I ordered.
KMr. Krabs
Yeah, well you see those were out of stock.
LSLe Schnook
And zis fork of plastic... Spray painted to look silver, is it not? [Mr. Krabs starts to sweat, chuckling nervously. Le Schnook gets back up, dusting himself] I cannot prepare food UNDER ZESE CONDITIONS!
[The scene switches to the Krusty Krab and it has a sign that reads “out of business” because it went bankrupt. Inside the restaurant, repo men are seen hauling away the fancy furniture. We then see Mr. Krabs crying in his office]
KMr. Krabs
I'm ruined! Busted! [phone then rings and Mr. Krabs answers it] Hello?
[on phone] Daddy, the house is full of burglars.
KMr. Krabs
[laughs] No, those aren't burglars, Pearl. Those are just friendly repo men. [Mr. Krabs hangs up and notices Squidward being held on to by his arms by two other repo men]
Mr. Krabs, tell these guys to let go of me!
KMr. Krabs
Uh, well, you know, until I come up with the money I owe, I'm afraid you'll be staying with these nice gents.
KMr. Krabs
No! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my kneecaps.
MWMan who's holding Squidward
Come on, mac! [takes him away]
You're pathetic! [Le Schnook then walks in]
KMr. Krabs
Oh, Mr. Le Schnook... I lost everything! I'm bankrupt! You and your fancy eats are all I got left now.
LSLe Schnook
Not quite. My time in the chef's exchange program has expired. So my "eats" and I are leaving. [hands Mr. Krabs a bill] This is for you.
LSLe Schnook
It is the bill for my services.
[Mr. Krabs unfolds the bill. His eyes become bloodshot, and he is unable to move as Le Schnook leaves]
RMRepo Man
One side, please.
[The repo men take Mr. Krabs’ desk and chair away while he is sitting in it, a repo man brings Mr. Krabs back into the restaurant lobby. He is set down on the floor. Mr. Krabs starts crying]
KMr. Krabs
Oh, I've been such a fool! I turned away SpongeBob, the best fry cook I ever had, and it cost me everything!
KMr. Krabs
Oh, I can still hear his sweet little voice.
[offscreen, high pitched] Mr. Kra-a-abs?!
KMr. Krabs
Okay, now I'm scared.
KMr. Krabs
Darn his cursed mocking voice! I... [notices SpongeBob] SpongeBob?
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob, me boy. [hugs SpongeBob] You came back! [notices the customers on SpongeBob's leg] And you brought customers!
KMr. Krabs
See these ice cube trays? [points to barrel] I want ya to put 'em in that bucket.
KMr. Krabs
Figure it out!
Uh... I have to be very gentle. [Patrick does the exact opposite; he closes the doors, picks up the freezer and throws it on the bucket, causing it and the freezer to break into pieces]
KMr. Krabs
What the...? What are ya doin'?!
[stacking ice cubes on remains of barrel] Almost done, Mr. Krabs. [stacks on last ice cube, causing pile to collapse]
KMr. Krabs
You've destroyed me refrigerator. [picks up melting ice cubes] You've destroyed many of the things I love. [grabs Patrick by the arm] I got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up.
KKids
[chanting] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! [kids throw Squidward into the window, which solidly flattens and Squidward slides away. The kids chant some more while throwing stuff around] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! We want Mermaid Man!
KMr. Krabs
Uh, hey, kids? [The kids stop chanting] Uh, well, there's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy... in the ballroom. [all the kids run inside the ballroom and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside] SpongeBob!
KMr. Krabs
Go get those AWOL do-gooders you talked me into hirin', and bring their patoots back here on the double!
Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [He runs off-screen]
KMr. Krabs
[Grabs a broom] Back, you! Back! [the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. The scene changes to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running away or hiding in fear of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's destruction of the place. SpongeBob enters the building]
KMr. Krabs
[sighs] I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prestigious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street and that's our only competition.
Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?
KMr. Krabs
Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.
The gloves are off now. [takes his hand off to show a human hand] It's booger time!
Oh, booger, schmooger, you don't even have a nose. [pokes his nose]
Oh, yeah? [clenches his face, and forms a nose. SpongeBob gasps, and Patrick picks his nose]
[screams] Booger! [continues screaming while running to the front door of the Krusty Krab, with Patrick behind him] Run! Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold! [they run into the kitchen]
KMr. Krabs
Gold? [giggles; runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out with nothing]
[to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?
KMr. Krabs
He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!
You're back! Oh, Squidward...I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.
Almost wish that meant something.
[Crowd leaves after seeing Squidward not handsome anymore]
KMr. Krabs
Hey, where you going?! Don't leave me! Please, I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little- [slam!] -Effort, just a little- [slam!] -Elbow grease. Please! Come back!
GMrs. Gristlepuss
I am Mrs. Gristlepuss. We are The United Organization Of Fish Against Things That Are Fun And Delicious. Or, T.U.O.O.F.A.T.T.A.F.A.D. for short. And we are going to ban these so called "Krabby Patties" and close your restaurant forever!
[pops up] Mrs. Gristlepuss, maybe if you were to taste the Krabby Patty for yourself, you too could experience the awesome pleasure.
GMrs. Gristlepuss
I would soon the sprout legs and do the Watusi.
KMr. Krabs
Ah, it don't matter anyway, lad, she can't close us down. [later, the Krusty Krab is locked up and has a "Closed" sign on it.] She closed us down. I'M RUINED!!! [crying] How did is come to this?
You called Miss Gristlepuss a disgusting old prune then you threatened her with a french fry strainer.
KMr. Krabs
Well, I didn't know where husband was a chief of police.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
