Patrick quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

[Patrick knocks on the door. The fish opens the door]

C1Customer 1

Hello?

Patrick

I love you.

[A harp plays as the customer shuts his door]

I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.

S3 Chocolate with Nuts

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Remember, Patrick, focus. [knocks]

C2Customer 2

Yes?

Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.

[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out on the customer]

C2Customer 2

Why is Chubby here staring at me?

Patrick

Focusing.

C2Customer 2

Back up, Jack. [slams the door on Patrick's eyes]

Patrick

Oof! [moves his eyes around] Nice place you got in here.

S3 Chocolate with Nuts

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Yes?

Hello, young lady. [winks at Patrick, who chuckles] We're selling chocolate. [sultry] Is your mother home?

Mom!

[Her mother, a shriveled up lump of dust, enters]

MMother

What, what, what's all the yelling?! You just can't wait for me to die, can you?!

They're selling chocolate.

MMother

Chocolate?

Yeah!

MMother

What, what are they selling?!

Chocolates!

MMother

What?!

Chocolates!

MMother

I can't hear you!

THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!

MMother

They're selling chocolate?

Yeah!

MMother

Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it!

Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...

Patrick

You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever!

MMother

Live forever, ya say? I'll take one!

[Mary slaps her; she goes back inside as Mary pays SpongeBob]

MMother

Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!

I hate you.

S3 Chocolate with Nuts

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Barnacle Boy

I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!

I respect you, Barnacle Man!

BBarnacle "Man"

That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!

Evil?

SKSquidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick

Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]

Mermaid Man

Evil!

BBarnacle "Man"

I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]

Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]

Dirty Bubble

Did someone say evil?

S3 Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V

Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]

BBarnacle "Man"

Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]

Mermaid Man

Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]

Mermaid Man

I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.

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Today's first lesson will be turning...

Patrick

[whispers to SpongeBob] 24 : [they laugh quietly, Mrs. Puff stops writing on the board for a second, then keeps writing]

[holding in laughter] Patrick.

Patrick

[also holding in laughter] What?

I thought of something funnier than 24.

Patrick

Let me hear it.

25.

[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]

That's enough! Young one, this is your first day, so I will let you off with a warning. As for you, SpongeBob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay attention!

Yes, Mrs. Puff.

Now then, turning: What every driver should know, when you are turning it's important to signal at least 20 feet from the turn pushing the drivers behind you.

S3 New Student Starfish

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Patrick

Mrs. Puff, is it nap time?

SpongeBob, I've have enough of your nonsense. Now, let me see, collect your things, and move to the available desk somewhere in the back of the room.

But... me? But why?

Because the Big Fat Meanie said so. Now go.

[mad] Thanks a lot, Patrick.

Patrick

Sure thing, buddy. [SpongeBob walks to the back. His classmates are staring at him]

Well, I guess I can be a good noodle from back here... [Mrs. Puff's voice is receding as SpongeBob tries to listen from the back] It's so hard to hear! What kind of student sits back here anyway? [reads the writing on the desk] 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? [shivers] Where am I?

Patrick

[whispering] Psst, SpongeBob?

[to himself] Just ignore him, SpongeBob, if you can.

Patrick

SpongeBob, over here!

[to himself] Whatever you do, don't look at him.

Patrick

Psst, SpongeBob! [throws ball of paper] Psst, SpongeBob! [throws a book at SpongeBob] SpongeBob? [spits a bunch of spitballs on SpongeBob's face] SpongeBob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important!

[covered in spitballs] What...?!

Patrick

[timidly] Hi.

HIIIIIIIIII?!?! [growls, removing all the spitballs, then stops when he sees Mrs. Puff angry, covered in the spitballs]

Perhaps this would be a good time for recess.

S3 New Student Starfish

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In one day, I've gone from Good Noodle... to Bad Egg! It's all Stupid Patrick's fault. I'd hate you, Patrick.

Patrick

I'd hate you more!

I'd hate you no matter what!

Patrick

Yeah? Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.

I'd hate you even if that made sense!

Patrick

I'd hate you even if you were me! That's how much I'd hate you!

I'd hate you, even if, uhh... Um, I'd hate you... [points to Roger's tank] even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out. [The camera quickly pans over to where SpongeBob is pointing. Quite suddenly, the light bulb flickers, and then burns out and the electricity crackles]

Huh?

[SpongeBob and Patrick stare at Roger for about 30 seconds, panting and trying to ignore one another for attention, but then Roger freezes and both begin to progressively whimper a little louder until they can't take it anymore.]

I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!!!!!!

Patrick

I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE, AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS, AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED, AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS --

I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!!!

Patrick

ME TOO, LET'S SAVE ROGER!!!

S3 New Student Starfish

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Good morning, pineapple! [plays the bugle to wake Gary up] Good morning, Gary! [pats Gary's shell]

Snelly's a purebred.

Patrick

Wow, a snail made out of bread.

S3 The Great Snail Race

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I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]

Patrick

Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.

Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...TORTELLINI?! Will I ever win?

[He, SpongeBob, and Patrick laugh. Suddenly, Sandy comes on-screen and kicks SpongeBob in the air. He and Patrick stop laughing]

Sandy

[angrily] That's for yesterday, SquarePants!

S3 The Great Snail Race

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Patrick

[walks into the Krusty Krab] Good morning, Krusty Krew!

[pokes his head out of the kitchen window, shouts] Hey, Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?!

Patrick

[shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!

Are you ready to go crazy?!

Patrick

I'm already hearing voices!

Are you ready to...?!

[angrily yelling] SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! DO YOU MIND?!

Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick! I think some people are eavesdropping!

Patrick

Well, how rude of some people!

S3 Mid-Life Crustacean

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You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft! I'm going home! You guys ain't cool, you're lame!!

[gasps] Lame?

Lame! You're nerds, geeks, creeps and babies.

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Not 'babies.' [suck their thumbs]

I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to ya. [starts to leave]

Patrick

I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.

The what?

Patrick

I said I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.

Panty raid? [walks back to them] You're talkin' about girls, right? [pause] Girl girls?

Patrick

Yeah.

And you're talking about raiding their dressers...for their underpants, right?

Patrick

Oh, yeah.

Well, count me in. If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two bein' lame.

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Not lame!

S3 Mid-Life Crustacean

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Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life! [does so]

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

No!

[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]

Don't run! Sea bears hate that!

Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then. [does so]

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

No!

[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]

They hate limping more than running!

[offscreen] Well, I guess I'll just have...

[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]

I should have warned you about crawling!

[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]

[offscreen] What'd I do that time?!

I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!

Patrick

Pretend to be somebody else!

Here, draw a circle! [tosses Squidward the stick]

[offscreen] Okay!

[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]

That was an oval! It has to be a circle!

Move over! [gets inside the circle; the sea bear comes up to Squidward in the circle, then notices the circle itself below before snarls as it points a threatening claw at him, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]

Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.

What attracts them?

Patrick

The sound of a sea bear attack. [a sea rhinoceros appears, snorting]

Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Squidward?

Huh?

S3 The Camping Episode

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So. Patrick's the Strangler. Gee, you think you know a guy...

He's not the strangler!

He's not?

[rips off the fake mustache] I am!

Hey, how did you do that without a shaving cream?

Oh, it's a fake, you idiot! I bought it at the party store!

[Everyone suddenly came back]

Did somebody say "party"?

[The Tattletale Strangler screams and runs out of the house]

I can't take it!

[runs after him] Wait, bodyguard, I need protection! [the Strangler gets into a taxi]

Step on it! I'm being chased by a maniac! [SpongeBob chases after the taxi]

I'm not safe! Come back! D-ohh! [taxi goes to the Bikini Bottom Airport and an airplane takes off]

Finally, away from that guy.

[on the airplane a row behind the Strangler] Good idea, bodyguard. He'll never find us up here. [the Strangler jumps out of the plane hollering, he opens his parachute, but it is actually SpongeBob] Good thinking, bodyguard. The Strangler could have been on that plane. [the Strangler takes out a giant pair of scissors and cuts the strings off the SpongeBob parachute and plummets right into the Bikini Bottom Police Station jail. SpongeBob comes running up to him] Bodyguard, bodyguard!

Look kid! I'm not your bodyguard! [cries] I'm the strangler! See? [looks toward his "WANTED" poster on the wall]

AHHH! THE STRANGLER!

[the police officers walk up]

NOfficer Nancy

Good work, SpongeBob, you put the Strangler behind bars!

At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot.

Patrick

Hey, Mack. [the Strangler turns and sees Patrick in the cell with him] What're you in for? [the episode ends]

S3 SpongeBob Meets the Strangler

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No.

Wow, invisible spray!

Patrick

[looking confused] But I can see it.

Gee, Patrick, just think of the pranks we could pull with this.

Well, let's get started.

S3 Pranks a Lot

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Patrick

I think since spraying the park bench was my idea, I should get to spray it.

Patrick, spraying the park bench was my idea.

Patrick

Yeah, but I said it was a good idea!

Give me that thing!

[SpongeBob grabs the can and he and Patrick wrestle over it. SpongeBob accidentally sprays their clothes and they disappear]

Patrick

Hey, the invisible spray works!

[A tour bus drives up.]

TTom

And on your right, if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint!

[The passengers and Tom laugh. The bus drives off. SpongeBob covers his lower half]

Oh my gosh, Patrick, help me find our clothes!

[SpongeBob pats the ground, trying to grab the clothes. Patrick sprays SpongeBob's right hand and it disappears]

Patrick

I gotta hand it to you, SpongeBob. You look kinda funny.

[Patrick laughs and SpongeBob screams.]

Righty, where are you? [Patrick laughs again.] No one messes with Righty! [takes the spray can with his invisible hand.] We'll see how you like it! [sprays Patrick making a hole in the middle of his body] Kind of gives you an empty feeling, huh?

[Patrick takes the can.]

Patrick

Yeah! [He sprays SpongeBob's upper left corner.] I see what you mean!

[SpongeBob takes the spray can and sprays Patrick's lower half.]