Patrick quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Patrick

This is serious, SpongeBob. Someone’s after me, I think I better leave town.

SpongeBob

Patrick, I threw it, we’re having a snowball fight, don’t you get it?

Patrick

Snowball fight? I wanna play, I wanna play!

SpongeBob

Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and and togther, we'll defeat the Pink Menace!

Patrick

That's me!

Squidward

Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me! [laughs, but then ducks when Patrick throws the snowball which puts out the fireplace. He groans and closes the window]

Patrick

That looks like a toilet plunger I threw out yesterday!

That ain't no toilet plunger! This here's an antique! It's, um...uh... [turns the rubber part of the plunger upside-down] ...A 17th-century soup ladle, see?

Patrick

Wow, was I using mine wrong! How much?

$5.

Patrick

I've only got $7.

Deal.

Patrick

Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.

SpongeBob

Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap.

Reg

Ho ho, I saw you running. when you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.

SpongeBob

Well then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. [spins his legs, then his arms, trying to snap his fingers, but they're cracked in half; cut to SpongeBob showing his broken fingers, he cries and runs off, Scene cuts to SpongeBob with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream in a banana split, whimpering]

Care for another sundae, weenie?

SpongeBob

[jumps angrily] I am not a weenie!

Relax, you're among friends. [raises his drink]

SpongeBob

My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. [scroll over to Patrick in the seat next to him]

Patrick

You tell 'em, SpongeBob! [sips his drink]

SpongeBob

Patrick, what're you doing here?

Patrick

I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.

Actually, they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.

And besides, today's Monday.

Patrick

Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?

Uhh, that's now on Sunday.

Patrick

Barnacles!

Super Weenie Hut Jr's has a Mega Weenie Monday.

Uhh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday.

SpongeBob

Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.

Reg

Hmmm... what about that guy? [points at a muscular fish]

SpongeBob

[gasps and stammers] I, uh... [laughs] don't be silly. He's not botherin' anybody. I mean, not like... that guy! [points at Patrick]

Patrick

Who, me?

SpongeBob

Yeah, you! Standing there all smiling and whatnot... Somebody oughta teach you some manners!

Patrick

Okay, but I must warn you: I happen to be a world championship... uh... [reading his hand] "...kick...box...er." [winks and gives a thumbs-up]

SpongeBob

I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davey Jones! You're going down, Tubby!

Patrick

[record scratch, tears up] "Tubby"...? [Growls viciously as SpongeBob is nervous] NOBODY CALLS ME "TUBBY"!!!!! [punches SpongeBob in the face, giving him a black eye]

SpongeBob

Wait, Patrick! You're supposed to let me win, remember?

Squidward

Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. [Patrick appears with an army hat] Patrick, what are you doing here?

Patrick

I thought the core would help me straighten out my life, sir!

Squidward

The core? What---- Pat, this isn't the...oh! [sighs] Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?

Patrick

You mean like a weenie? Okay! [talking silly with a goofy expression on his face] May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...

Squidward

[puts his hand over Patrick's mouth] Alright! I've heard enough! You've got the job.

SpongeBob

Patrick, breakfast is ready.

Patrick

[sees the whole table of homemade breakfast meals] All right! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table to gobble up food, then burps] Hey, Junior. How you doing today? [smells the stink] SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Yes, Patrick.

Patrick

Kid's got a stinky.

SpongeBob

Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full.

Patrick

[drinks a coffee while Junior begins to cry] Wish I could, but I'm gotta get going.

SpongeBob

Going? Where are you going?

Patrick

Going to work. I'm the dad, remember?

SpongeBob

You mean I have to do this baby stuff myself?

Patrick

I'll give you the break when I get home. Don't you stop being adorable. [laughs as he close the door]

SpongeBob

Okay...

Patrick

[walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light] Oh boy, that was some party! [SpongeBob is wearing his mother-like clothing and holding Junior and he gives Patrick a bitter look. SpongeBob is quiet and bitter outside, but in the inside, is very furious with Patrick for breaking his promise again] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. [SpongeBob now looks at Patrick angrily as he taps one of his bare feet] What? What?!

SpongeBob

[coldly] Oh, nothing.

Patrick

[relieved and stupidly] Oh, what a relief. [stupidly takes the lampshade off his head and foolishly puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.

SpongeBob

[angrily takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?

Patrick

Something about root beer, right?

SpongeBob

[takes a deep breath, flatly] No.

Patrick

Oh, wait, wait, let me guess. [confusedly gives up] I give up.

SpongeBob

Does "you can take the night off, pal" ring a bell?

Patrick

[scoffs in annoyance] I don't need this. [angrily walks outside]

SpongeBob

What?! [angrily walks to the door] Where do you think you're going?

Patrick

[opens his rock; angrily] I'm going back to work! [gets inside and closes his rock]

SpongeBob

Work!? [growls in fury, rips off his foam rollers. He walks outside to Patrick's rock. He furiously opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV]

Patrick

[two "bonk" sounds are heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!

SpongeBob

[angrily] So, this is work?

Patrick

You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes, I gotta move the antenna, sometimes, I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!

SpongeBob

[sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase! [pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with sundaes and donuts as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]

Patrick

[quietly but fumingly] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime.

SpongeBob

[Becomes enraged; his balls his fists and his entire body shakes. He then loses his temper and goes ballistic on Patrick; his mouth has become huge. He screams intensely with fury] OVERTIME?!?! [jumps into Patrick's rock]

Patrick

There's that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob

Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.

Patrick

Oh.

[immediately realize what was going to happen; their eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!!!

SpongeBob

Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.

Patrick

This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.

SpongeBob

Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.

Patrick

Yeah. Let's have another.

SpongeBob

Okay, Patrick, let's get our brushes ready. [holds up his big brush] Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. [throws the big brush to the right of him then takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same, but out comes a large bunch of nose hairs. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall] All right, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well... here we go.

French Narrator

One hour later...

SpongeBob

Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall.

French Narrator

Two hours later...

SpongeBob

I'm getting to the painting...

French Narrator

Three hours later...

Patrick

[holds the timecard, breaking the fourth wall] Can you move it along? I'm all out of timecards.

SpongeBob

[standing by a washing machine] Did it work?

Patrick

[comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, in his hands; he also has a bra on his head] Nope.

SpongeBob

[sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand] Did it work? [Patrick's hands are gone]

Patrick

Nope.

SpongeBob

[uses a fire hose to shoot a massive stream of water at Patrick, who screams in pain offscreen] Did it work?

Patrick

[holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, except for the part blocked by his arms] Nope.

SpongeBob

Nothing's working!

Patrick

Wait, SpongeBob! We're not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology! [picks up the computer and angrily grunts as he smashes it on the dollar]

SpongeBob

It didn't work.

Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

SpongeBob

We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!

Patrick

[simultaneously] We're so sorry!

[looks at dollar again] And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon]

Patrick

[holding green crayon while SpongeBob stares at him] I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

Alright boys, you know what I've gotta do now?!?

SpongeBob

You mean our butts?

Patrick

Can I use mine one last time?

[takes the dollar off the frame, licks it, and sets it back; the paint has washed off] There we go, good as new. [SpongeBob and Patrick stammer "but" nonstop] Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. [laughs]

SpongeBob

Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs! You told us the paint was permanent, so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!

Nah, I just like to mess with ya! [laughs as SpongeBob and Patrick grimace and leave in disgust; Mr. Krabs ends up spitting while laughing, washing off all the paint on the walls] Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

Squidward

Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.

Narrator

Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says.

The money is always right.

Patrick

The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?

Patrick

[holds two chocolate bars: one with a peanut logo, and one without] Yes, sir, with or without nuts.

[going mad] Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?! CHOCOLATE!!!! [SpongeBob and Patrick are concerned and slowly back away from the screaming fish. They then run off as Tom chases them while madly screaming] CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes?

SpongeBob

Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.

Patrick

We'll take 20.