Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?

Stan

I have a great teacher.

Thanks, son.

Stan

No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.

Well how about 4?

Stan

I think you're pushing it.

How 'bout 20?

Stan

That's not discipline.

Right, right. Does vodka count?

Stan

Dad!

[drunk off his ass and having caught the attention of police by illegally swerving as he peed into a beer bottle, then flipping off the police car] Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [starts chewing stick of gum]

License and registration, please.

[with a completely straight face] ...What seems to be the officer, problem?

...Step out of the car, please.

Kyle

We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us...feel hurt...and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Yeah.

He's right.

Kyle

And in the end, I know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.

Which cartoon is it? What cartoon will be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?

Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!

Stan! Stan!

Stan

Hang on, guys. My dad wants something.

Stan!

Stan

WHAT?!

You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?

Stan

I AM socializing, retard! I'm logged onto an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!

[long pause] I'm not a retard...

Randy, working on that sediment analysis?

Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower of Azora together.

Is that a computer game?

No, retard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. [waves to another player, who waves back] In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo-deep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--

Looks like that guy just killed you. [walks away]

What? Why? WHY?!

Stan! Stan!

Stan

Dad, not now!

Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!

Stan

How did you get that?!

No time! Just take it! Here!

Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?

Stan

Bring up your inventory screen, Ctrl-I!

Okay...

Cartman

Stan, what the hell are you doing?!

Stan

[receives sword] I got it!

Stan

Dad!

[weakly] Staaaan...

Stan

[to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!

Cartman

His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!

Cartman

Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]

Cartman

I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.

Do we still press charges?

Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.

Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?

Stan

[frustrated] What are you talking about?

Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?

Stan

I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...

Stan

Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information.

Stanley, just dye your goddamned eggs!

Stan

[gets up from his seat and leaves the dining table, storming upstairs to his room; frustrated] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get!

What is wrong with him?!

Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.

[slams his hands on the table, angrily having to have heard that, and rises up from his seat] You know so little. [leaves]

Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Change, sir?

Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

What happened?

[closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Spare some change?

No, sorry, I don't have any change.

Got any change?

No, sorry. [bum follows him]

Can you spare some change?

Chaaaange?

Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]

Change?

No!

Chaaange?

Spare some change?

Leave me alone, I don't have any change!

All right, God bless you, sir.

Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]

[following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!

Spare some change?

I just gave you change!

[from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan

Gee, thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.