StanDad, not now!
Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!
Stan
How did you get that?!
No time! Just take it! Here!
[long pause]
Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
Stan
Bring up your inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan
[receives sword] I got it!
[The Rogue kills Randy]
Stan
Dad!
Stan
[to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!
His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
[Kenny shoots the Rouge with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]
Alright, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!
Stan
You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!
[Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shit. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]
Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]
Alright, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.
[having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months after defeating The Rogue Player]
We did it, you guys. We're totally heroes.
That was such über pwnage.
Stan
I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your hotbar.
Stan
Got it.
[Kyle, Stan, Cartman are arguing over 9/11 conspiracy.]
Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?!
Yes, I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan
Yeah, at least one fourth.
Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's one fourth.
Mr. President, my name is--
Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
HCHead of the conspiracy group
You won't get away with it! People know!
People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
HCHead of the conspiracy group
Wait, what are you doing?
You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
HCHead of the conspiracy group
No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website!
[The head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush blows his brains out]
Stan
JESUS CHRIST!
DRDonald Rumsfeld
Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
Stan
He was right, you did cause 9/11!
Yes, quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked, when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
[to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan
Sure, dude.
I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?
[Cartman walks up]
My little brother and his teach—-
Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Stan
Dude, what's the matter?
The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[long silence]
Stan
Wow.
Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!
What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[long pause]
[sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Stan
Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!
[Cartman starts to walk away]
And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
[Cartman pauses, with an intense look on his face]
They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
[turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!
Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
Stan
It's still three weeks.
Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Will you shut up already?
Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!
Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.
[ringing a triangle] Uh-oh, retard alert! [walks up to Stan's desk] Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster, too, bubble-head?!
Stan
I wasn't talking about spaghetti.
[picks up Stan and his desk and carries him over to the blackboard] Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair! [sets him down and places a dunce cap that reads, "I have faith" on his head]
N8Number 8
Coach, I have to go potty!
Stan
Alright, fine, go ahead.
Stan
Just hold it a while, okay?
N7Number 7
What does "passing" mean?
Stan
When you shoot the puck to another player!
N1Number 15
My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
N3Number 3
Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
N6Number 6 (Morgan)
I did NOT!
Stan
Alright, alright! SHUT UP!
You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Stan
Whatcha do to Butters this time?
It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]
Stan
Dude!
I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
Stan
Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?
Because that makes Butters gay now!
No, dude, that makes you gay!
You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
[looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.
Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Ha ha, that makes you totally fucking gay.
But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan
You are now.
No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
Stan
You can't!
No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
Stan
Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]
Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
[throws up the ball] Where's what?
[grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!
Stan
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
[rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
[stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
