StanLook, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information.
Stanley, just dye your goddamned eggs!
Stan
[gets up from his seat and leaves the dining table, storming upstairs to his room; frustrated] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get!
Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
[slams his hands on the table, angrily having to have heard that, and rises up from his seat] You know so little. [leaves]
[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]
BButler
MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!
[ninjas kill him]
Stan
They found me!
PTProf. Teabag
Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]
NNinja
[distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!
[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]
Stan
Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?
BBono
Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!
Stan
Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
BBono
I have the first-place trophy for that.
Stan
[surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?
BButler
Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
Stan
So?
BButler
So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.
Stan
He's the record.
Stan
[answers phone] Hello?
Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.
Stan
No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.
[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?
Stan
Yeah, how'd you know?!
Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!
[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?
Stan
Why?
Our darling Butters never came home last night!
We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.
[the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]
Talk to me! What's going on?!
[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]
LTLead Tech
Something is coming through the gate from the other side.
[a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]
T3Tech 3
It's like a half-man, half-bear!
LTLead Tech
And half-pig!
[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]
T4Tech 4
Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!
[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]
[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]
T3Tech 3
No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!
[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]
Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!
[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]
Stan
Kyle!
[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]
[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
So you boys like this music, huh?
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
Stan
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Stan
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
Real guitars are for old people!
Stan
Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there--quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
HMr. Hart
Would you boys like to meet him?
Stan
Are you serious?!
HMr. Hart
Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.
JCJay Cutler
[in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!
Stan
Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.
Stan
[as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
[sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!
Stan
That isn't it at all.
[angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!
Stan
I know...I need you.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
