You don't have to want it. Doing things you don't want to do is how you make a relationship work.
I can't, Frank. I'm sorry. Sex toys are a gateway choice.
Toys can be mind-expanding.
I just got my one-year chip from sex addicts anonymous. Part of my recovery's to make certain that I only have loving, committed sex. No battery-powered aids allowed.
She just wants to kick it up a notch. Make her happy.
The key to my continued happiness is to have loving sex infrequently.
I've mastered the infrequent part.
This isn't about your happiness. It's about Sheila's.
I finally got my life back under control. If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me. It's an addiction.
KevinOh, would you stop bragging? We're all sex addicts, man.
Kevin
What, thinking about it? Yeah. More.
No, the act. Arousal and release. Before I got into SA, I was having sex 10, 12 times a day.
Never receiving. I was destroying.
That's what I used to call it; "destroying pussy."
You all make coming to work such a delight. [She walks away]
10, 12 times a day? The same woman?
Never. That's the thing about the internet. Once you announce your depravity, there's plenty of other depravers seeking company. I mean, if you put it out there, you can find a ton of willing participants who want to be humiliated having sex.
I got to re-up my AOL account.
One week, I had 32 different partners. Didn't cost me a dime. Toys, contraptions, Restraints. You know, you start messing around, you think you're under control, but eventually you abuse your arousal center, needing stranger and stranger shit to flip your switch. I mean, I started to look at sex like a fight, and my weapon was my cock. I knew I really had a problem when I couldn't get hard unless I was slapping it in the face of a woman who was pretending she was crying.
I underestimated you, Jody. In a bar full of depraved people, you are the grand poobah of depravity.
Was. Won't be again. What do I owe you for the Ginger Ale, Kev?
[Jimmy is at The Alibi]
I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.
Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.
Kevin
Oh, there she is.
Welcome back. How was your vacay?
Kevin
Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--
A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?
Kevin
Yeah.
Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
Kevin
Yeah, yeah.
Kevin
Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Kevin
Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
[Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
PPatron
Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.
That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
PPatron
How do you know that?
Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
PPatron
Shit, is that gold?!
Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]
There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.
BKBoth Kevin and Carol
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, Not sex!
It's clinical. So no one enjoys it. Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster. This will deliver the biggest batch. The bigger the batch, the better the chance.
Kevin
This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.
I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby That I know you want... and the grandbaby that you deserve. But I can't. And it kills me. Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.
[Groans] What kind of hard liquor you got and how much? [Exhales]
[Kevin slides a shot and Frank downs it] Last one.
Kevin
If I had a dime for every time I heard you say that, I'd have exactly one dime.
Court hearing's tomorrow.
Kevin
I thought you already pissed in a cup.
Spot test. Anything to keep families apart. One more.
CChester
Amen, Frank. Gestapo tried to declare me an unfit parent.
You brought a crack pipe to the courthouse.
Kevin
Who the hell tries to run a crack pipe through a metal detector?
I know the dog and pony-- show up in a suit, flash some AA chips, character reference. They'll hand the brats right over.
Kevin
Well, it's nice to know the bar is set so high.
Nothing more American than a second chance. Or a third or a fourth. Redemption, tugs at the heartstrings. Shot for the road.
CChester
Oh, you be careful, Frank. Those child-stealing liberal bastards are out for blood.
Broke my judicial cherry years ago, Chester. They will never take my kids from me. I want the kids.
[Veronica is walking quickly down hospital hall with Carol following after her and Kevin following behind]
Kevin
Hold on, now.
Veronica, I promise, I swear I had no idea.
Kevin
Ladies, please. [Veronica shoves Carol] V, that's not right. [Brings up phone] Although I should probably record this... in case we wanna upload it to our site. Make money. Just watch her belly.
Kevin
Just trying to keep the peace.
You know. You're a walking pee stick.
In the past. This time... There's no; this time.
You kept quiet because you wanted to keep fucking my husband. [To couple sitting nearby] What the fuck are you looking at, huh?! My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant! Can't all have our baby normal!
Kevin
Hey, what can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
Okay. Okay, I thought I might be pregnant.
But, honey, look, I didn't know. I didn't take a test. I didn't wanna know.
Because I liked what we had.
Kevin
Thank you.
Not what we, me and Kev had. What we all had.
What are you talking about?
I was so lonely. When you called me to help out, it made me feel wanted. Wanted in a loving way. In a family way. Needed. Important.
Kevin
[Holds up fetus photo talking in a squeaky voice] Hey, I'm the baby fetus. Please don't fight anymore. I know Kev is a big hot stud and you couldn't resist his giant cock penis... but I'm all that matters now, right?
It's 50 grand a year for four years of frat parties, you know, intellectual circle jerks, speed reading 300-year-old novels that'll be forgotten the second the test is over, all because, you know, we're told we can't succeed in the world without a piece of paper. You know, and it's bullshit. Bill Gates dropped out. Steve Jobs.
Kevin
That's that center for the Blackhawks?
Yeah, you know, it just all one big collegiate scam.
Kevin
I'm glad that place didn't turn you into an elitist prick.
No, still a Southside prick like all the rest of you.
[Enters Alibi Room] Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there. [To Lip] Weren't you supposed to be at college or some shit?
Nope, packing up my Kant and Milton Friedman. I'm done with all that crap.
...
Kevin
You were joking, right, about not going back to college?
Kevin
I was hoping you were blowing off some steam.
Well, the truth is, it's not only up to me. My grades suck. But the only reason I'm going back there is to pack my shit and split.
Kevin
So you quit. Then what?
I'll figure it out. [Kevin scoffs] What?
Kevin
Grow a pair.
Kevin
You heard me. Tough it out, man. What are you, a pussy? It's like I said. It's not only up to me. You're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
Look, Kev, this is the first good day I've had since I left for that shithole.
Kevin
Lip, do you want to end up like me? Clawing for every penny, praying that you can figure out some way to support your family? Because that's what I'm going through. I got bills up to my ass and let me tell you something. It fucking sucks. Well, you're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
All right. College is a racket, huh?
Kevin
Well, guess what? There's no one better at beating the system than you. Hell, man, you got them to give you four fucking years for free. Why don't you get your damn diploma, spit in their faces and have a fucking future?
Kev, I am trying to drink my beer, enjoy being back home.
Kevin
This isn't your home. It's where you grew up. It's not where you're supposed to be.
And what, now you're the arbiter on where everybody's supposed to be?
Kevin
Yeah, maybe, if I knew what arbiter meant.
I'm getting pretty damn tired of everybody telling me where I should be and what I should be doing.
Kevin
Then stop making them have to! Grow the fuck up!
Um... Thanks for the beers, Kev.
Kevin
Yeah, you're welcome.
Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
Kevin
I need a gun.
Kevin
You wearing cologne?
No. It's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit.
Kevin
You use another dude's soap?
Kevin
It's got pubes on it.
Kevin
Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?
My soap doesn't have pubes on it.
Kevin
Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes.
You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?
Kevin
Just give me a gun.
You run a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?
Kevin
Not everyone's a thug.
Kevin
All right, listen up. Bar got robbed this morning.
BPBar patron
Yeah? What'd they take? The cocktail napkins? [bar laughs]
Kevin
$600, for your information. So who stole it? I give up. Who? No, not who stole it, like, guess who stole it. Who stole it like which one of you f****** stole my money?
BPBar patron
Why do you think we stole your money?
Kevin
Because you knew where I hid it.
Kevin
In the damn keg!
BPBar patrons
Ooh. We do now.
Kevin
I said, [holds up a revolver] who stole my money.
[All the guns of the bar patrons are held out and cocked]
Kevin
What, everyone has a gun?
Bible says we have the right to bear arms.
Finding ways to make money from home.
Huh. Hey, is something burning? Smell that?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit! shit! [Laughs]
[Smoke alarm beeping]
Not my hole. [Both laughing]
You just let it burn?
[He turned around and see two bottles of vodka that she is drinking too much.] You're shitfaced.
Since when is a felony for a Gallagher to drink?
Calm down. It's my fault. I brought the vodka.
Oh, and poured it down her throat?
You're the one who told me to relax. SOMEBODY SHUT THAT THING UP! [She continues laughing]
[Smoke alarm continues beeping]
Fuck. Burn the house down, okay? Burn the food too, you know, I can always steal some more from my shitty work-study job, right?
I'm going through something here.
Yeah, it looks like you went through about five beverages in an hour, Fiona. Have another one. Why not? You're your own woman. Right? No, bang the boss's brother. Leave coke out on the table for the kids. Get arrested. Do whatever the fuck you need to do. I've got this. Hey, Carl, go upstairs, get your toothbrush and something to sleep in.
He has the suspension meeting tomorrow.
Oh, no worries. No worries. I'll get him to Shelia's on time. Stay up all night studying? I mean, what the fuck? It's just an applied physics quiz. Where's Debbie?
She's at Sheila's with Sammi.
Kevin
Veronica!
Kevin
You're not answering your phone?
I didn't hear it. What's up?
Kevin
Carol. She's in labor.
What. Oh, s***. Wish us luck.
Kevin
There's something burning.
Go-- no. Hey, come on. Lip, please. You don't have to take them.
Come on. What about dinner?
Enjoy. [As he leaves the house with Liam and close the door]
[Smoke alarm continues beeping]
[Sighs] Shut up! [Screams]
Mama, stop. I'm not a cow.
Look, you got to grab this tіt, and you got to massage it till you get the milk ducts flowing, girl.
...
No, I'm done. No more breast feeding.
Kevin
What are you talking about?
I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.
Kevin
No. No, no, no, absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma, and be short, and have no friends.
Kev, kids in this neighborhood are raised on Kool-Aid and powdered milk. Formula's a step up.
Kevin
What's up, babe?
What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?
Kevin
You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.
Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?
Kevin
All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.
You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.
Kevin
God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.
Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?
Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.
What happened to your hair?
If it was lice again, I could have washed it.
Kevin
No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.
I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?
Kevin
V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.
You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.
Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.
Kevin
It's just a fucking haircut.
Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.
...
[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]
PPastor
Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.
But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.
PPastor
But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.
But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.
[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]
PPastor
[Moans in pleasure] Yes.
[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]
PPastor
What-- what is this?
PPastor
Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?
Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?
...
It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?
Kevin
It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...
What? I look like a what?
Whoa, you look like a hooker.
That is not a compliment, Debbie.
Totally is. Hookers are hot.
Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?
I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?
Your friends still aren't talking to you?
You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.
What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?
Kevin
Yeah, man, shit got crazy. Have you ever done a shot off a coed who's using her ass crack as an ice luge?
Kevin
Oh, it's way hotter than it sounds. Anyway, this is Stacey, and this is Cassie. Or vice versa. They're wasted.
Dude, don't-- don't do something you're gonna regret, though.
Kevin
Yeah? - I'm a gentleman, Lip. I'm just escorting them home.
GGirl
Our Rapewalker to the rescue.
Kevin
No, please don't call me that.
GGirl
Well, he brought us back to our room and made sure we didn't get raped.
Kevin
I couldn't leave them alone with those lacrosse players.
...
Kevin
Well, sucks to be you. College is so much better with no school.
Kevin
[Greeting woman at dorm door] Hey, I'm here to escort you to a world of pleasure. [Enters room filled with young men] Oh, uh, hey. What's up, fellas? No offense, but the Rapewalker doesn't do gangbangs. I mean, you could be fucking a chick, but if you're getting off surrounded by a bunch of dudes, that's pretty gay.
Thanks, Michelle. You can go now. [She leaves room]
Kevin
Her leaving did not make this feel less gay. Her leaving did not make this feel less gay.
So you're the Rapewalker. Word's getting around that you're a real... gentleman with the coeds. Walking them home. Making sure they cum before you do.
Kevin
Well, it's important to treat a girl right.
Well, it's kind of fucking things up for the rest of us! I mean, if you want to treat a girl right, go get a wife!
Kevin
You're right. But I already have one. [Shows picture of Veronica on phone]
Kevin
Mm-hmm.
Smoking hot, huh? Wow, dude. Look at that. Fuck. Those tits real? Oh, man.
Kevin
None of your fucking business.
Why would you leave that?
Kevin
It's so simple in your 20s because you fall in love, you make bank when your girl posts videos of herself masturbating online. But then one day, you wake up, the bills are piled up, babies crying in your face. Everything's just so fucking hard. And the one thing that was easy, her, it's the hardest of all.
Yeah, but she's really hot. She bad in the sack or something?
Kevin
She can do more with the flick of her tongue than girls here can do gyrating their entire bodies. [He starts jerking his head back with widening eyes that seems to say; now-you-see-what-a-condescending-schmuck-you-are?] That's what happens when you marry the best. No matter how many girls there are, they're still not V. Hey, thank you, man! This was a great talk!
Shameless · 903 quotes
