Jody Silverman quotes from Shameless

Jody

I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk.

Frank

What are you doing?

Jody

Lost Karen's ring.

Frank

Oh, man, that sucks.

Jody

I used all my savings to buy it.

Frank

[Starts walking up stairs] When I lose something, I like to say a prayer. Something's lost and cannot be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.

Jody

Okay, you seen Karen?

Frank

I don't have a prayer for that.

Jody

Karen, your dad is dead.

Karen

Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Kevin

Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin

Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

Sheila

Quiet, please.

Jody

Quiet, everyone.

Sheila

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody

That's right, Mom.

Hear, hear.

Sheila

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

Sheila

People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Oh.

Sheila

And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila

Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona

Frank.

Frank

Let them work it out.

Sheila

And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin

Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

[Wheels in paralytic man] Sheila, Ruben.

Sheila

Oh...

Got shot by his pimp, infection in his spine.

Sheila

Ooh. Oh. Hi. Oh.

He can't hear you. Deaf since birth. That's why he started sucking a crack pipe. I'm proud to say young Ruben's come to see the Lord... does not accept excuses in exchange for first-class transportation upstairs. Heh. Been clean a year now.

Sheila

Father, just a moment please?

Of course. He came to us three years ago during one of our... winter nights for the homeless.

Sheila

Yeah.

Hung on a lot longer than any of us expected. Saints be praised.

Sheila

No, that wasn't-

We just can't afford to keep him. State cutbacks. You'll receive $50 a clay for food and whatever else he needs... but let's just say I'm not going to be making any surprise visits. Heh, heh.

Sheila

Father, I've... I've done a terrible thing. I don't recognize myself anymore. When I look in the mirror, it's like another person is staring back at me... and I'm just- I'm lost.

Your purpose in life was to build a happy family, and you achieved that. And now, your husband's passed and your daughter's ready to fly the nest. But you're still needed. This is your purpose now.

Sheila

Hi, Ruben! I'm Sheila! Okay. Great. Yeah, this will be great. Hey, sweetheart, is everything okay?

Sheila

Anthony Bourdain? Sanjay Gupta? Nancy Grace. There's gotta be a missing white girl somewhere. Aw, Ruben, I'm trying. No? You don't want TV, you don't eat. Do you have a wish? Before you go? Anything I can get you? Yeah? Oh. Oh, I don't- I'm not sure what you mean. Oh.

Jody

[Comes in with groceries] Milk. Eggs.

Sheila

Aw...

Jody

Hey, bro. He can't hear you.

Sheila

Is it getting cold out there?

Jody

I could use a shower.

Sheila

That's not a good idea.

Jody

[Ruben starts signing to Jody] Hey, I- uh... Okay, I'll tell her. I spent the past few months learning baby sign language. He says he hates créme brulée. It gives him the runs.

Sheila

Oh. I noticed that. Is there anything he does like? What do you wanna eat?

Jody

Know how to make cake? Strawberry shortcake.

Sheila

Strawberry shortcake?

Jody

No, he says, "Fuck that. " Vanilla cake with a shitload of Grand Marnier. Hey, you need to watch your language, bro. Uh, there's one more thing before he kicks it. Uh... Want to fuck. Hey! Out of line, bro. That's a lady right there.

Sheila

What'd he say?

Jody

He's sorry. He'll settle for something else.

Sheila

Oh...

Karen

Fuck Mother Nature! She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched. Ow!

Jody

You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.

Sheila

Mama's so tired. Don't you want to give your wee lungs a-- [Carries Hymie outside while taking out the trash and sets Hymie on trash can] Oh, god, that's so loud. [Carrie bucket inside mistaking it for Hymie's carrier] Everything's so loud. Maybe we can... have Jody rub your tummy. And Mama, she can take a little nap. [sighs] I don't remember Karen causing such a fuss as you, Hymie. Maybe it's from your Chinese side. Okay. [Lies on couch for nap]

Jody

Cool, you got hymie to quiet down?

Sheila

[Gets up and frantically out door] Hymie! No...! he's not trash! Whoa! Whoa! He's not trash! No, hymie! No! [Crying] Oh, hymie...! :Sheila: Oh, my god! Hymie. I'm so sorry!

Jody

It's okay, Sheila, he's fine.

Sheila

No, but he was almost swallowed up by the truck! Oh, my--I'm such a terrible mother.

Jody

No, you're just- you're just a tired mother.

Sheila

[Sobs] No, I-- I don't deserve to live.

Frank

You don't have to want it. Doing things you don't want to do is how you make a relationship work.

Jody

I can't, Frank. I'm sorry. Sex toys are a gateway choice.

Frank

Toys can be mind-expanding.

Jody

I just got my one-year chip from sex addicts anonymous. Part of my recovery's to make certain that I only have loving, committed sex. No battery-powered aids allowed.

Frank

She just wants to kick it up a notch. Make her happy.

Jody

The key to my continued happiness is to have loving sex infrequently.

I've mastered the infrequent part.

Frank

This isn't about your happiness. It's about Sheila's.

Jody

I finally got my life back under control. If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me. It's an addiction.

Kevin

Oh, would you stop bragging? We're all sex addicts, man.

Jody

ten, twelve times a day?

Kevin

What, thinking about it? Yeah. More.

Jody

No, the act. Arousal and release. Before I got into SA, I was having sex 10, 12 times a day.

Frank

Giving or receiving?

Jody

Never receiving. I was destroying.

Destroying?

Jody

That's what I used to call it; "destroying pussy."

You all make coming to work such a delight. [She walks away]

Frank

10, 12 times a day? The same woman?

Jody

Never. That's the thing about the internet. Once you announce your depravity, there's plenty of other depravers seeking company. I mean, if you put it out there, you can find a ton of willing participants who want to be humiliated having sex.

Tommy

I got to re-up my AOL account.

Jody

One week, I had 32 different partners. Didn't cost me a dime. Toys, contraptions, Restraints. You know, you start messing around, you think you're under control, but eventually you abuse your arousal center, needing stranger and stranger shit to flip your switch. I mean, I started to look at sex like a fight, and my weapon was my cock. I knew I really had a problem when I couldn't get hard unless I was slapping it in the face of a woman who was pretending she was crying.

Frank

I underestimated you, Jody. In a bar full of depraved people, you are the grand poobah of depravity.

Jody

Was. Won't be again. What do I owe you for the Ginger Ale, Kev?

Frank

Couple of tips: Don't relax. Pretend you're scared. She likes that.

Jody

I don't have to pretend, though.

Frank

It'll stretch. Trust me. If god didn't want us putting things up our ass, He would have given the rectum a gag reflex.

Jody

Loving sex is a rule of my program.

Frank

Don't let your emotions completely obscure the barbaric roots of the sexual act.

Jody

Don't lose touch with the seeds of our animal nature.

Frank

That's a good thing. We're not animals.

Jody

We're people with the ability To elevate sex to a spiritual, loving experience.

Jody

[Fixing kitchen light fixture] Damn, it's hot up here

Sheila

That's because heat rises.

Jody

Then how come space is so cold? [Someone knocks on door] I got it.

Sheila

Who's at the door? [Jody opens door ]

Jody

Hey.

Frank

Hey, uh...

Sheila

Who's at the door, baby? [Frank comes in and Sheila gasps] No! Frank, no!

Frank

Wait.

Sheila

You- first of all, get out! Get out!

Frank

Just hear me out.

Sheila

You are not allowed in here. Get out!

Frank

DFS pinched my kids. I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back.

Sheila

What? No! No! Why should I do anything for you? You left Hiram all alone.

Frank

I am begging you. As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid. Karen ran away. Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you? This isn't for Frank, okay? It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam. Maybe you should do it, Shelly-Bear...For the kids.

Okay, listen up. Some of you have inquired about our petition. We have demanded that Lincoln Grove high school offer programs for special students to help them fit in with their classmates. [Applause]

Sheila

Aren't you glad we came?

Karen

Yeah.

Great, also concerning the "R" word, we have demanded a school policy forbidding students and faculty from using that word.

Retard.

Excuse me.

Retard. You can't even say it. So how do we talk about it?

We all know your opinion on this, Jeremy. But right now I'm the one speaking.

Brothers and sisters, words only have power if we give them power. We must take back the word "retard." Make it ours.

Sweetheart, the rest of us find the word offensive.

I'm not your sweetheart, bitch. [All attendees gasp]

Mrs. Kandage, I know you mean well, but many of us here think it's time that we reclaim and redefine the word. And since normies don't get called "retard," they don't have a say in this. Normies do not get a say.

Sheila

What's a "normie?"

Jody

I think it's slang for non-retards.

Hey, Fabio, do you mind?

Jody

Sorry.

I don't care how it's used. I don't want anybody calling my son that word ever. It's incredibly hurtful.

Even if we did get rid of it, someone will just think up another way of saying it.

That's right. The queers took back their word. It's different.

How is it different? It's not like race issues disappear if people stop saying nigger.

[Gets up and points to father] Shut the fuck up!

I can say it, you can't.

Retards, we must ban together. The way to get respect is to take respect, and normies can help us get that message out. Raise your hand if you're with us!

Yeah.

[Starts chant] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation. [Entire PTA meeting joins in chanting]