Jimmy Lishman quotes from Shameless

Jimmy

[to Fiona, after answering the phone] It's Veronica. Says she's got a dead body for you?

Beto

[On Estefania] You married her before God, no?

Jimmy

No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.

Fiona

How'd cashier work get weird? I think everyone at work other than me is blowing the manager.

Jimmy

That's genius. Evil genius.

Fiona

Taking advantage of women who can't afford to lose their jobs? It's sick.

Jimmy

Then quit.

Fiona

I need the job. Overtime. Benefits. But eventually, they're all gonna realize I'm not carrying my share of the load. Literally. Maybe I can figure out a way to make 'em all stop before they realize I'm getting a free ride. Yeah, if we stick together, Collectively boycott giving him what he wants, maybe it can stop. There's strength in numbers. United we stand. Divided, we keep sucking dick. Hey, revolutions have begun with less inspiring phrases.

Jimmy

It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.

Veronica

Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.

Jimmy

It's my fourth.

I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.

Jimmy

I'm broke.

Tommy

Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.

Kevin

Oh, there she is.

Welcome back. How was your vacay?

Kevin

Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.

Yeah?

Jimmy

Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--

A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?

Kevin

Yeah.

Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.

Kevin

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Kevin

Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.

Jimmy

Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.

Kevin

Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.

Frank

[Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?

Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.

Frank

That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.

How do you know that?

Frank

Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.

Shit, is that gold?!

Frank

Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]

Tommy

Fuck it. Why not?

I'm in.

Frank

There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.

Debbie

I think I'm gonna puke.

Fiona

Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?

Carl

[Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!

Fiona

Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!

Lip

You get those from the fireworks stash?!

Fiona

Yeah!

Lip

Go get some more!

Fiona

[Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!

Jimmy

[Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--

Fiona

Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.

Jimmy

Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?

Fiona

Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!

Jimmy

You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.

Fiona

Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!

Frank

Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.

Ian

Why is Frank here again?

Fiona

There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

Carl

Patrick wants to steal our house?

Lip

He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.

Fiona

Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.

Debbie

I'll write them down.

Ian

[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?

Fiona

More like 15.

Debbie

[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.

Lip

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.

Fiona

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.

Frank

Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

Lip

What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

Debbie

Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.

Jimmy

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

Debbie

Yeah, that's three.

Frank

Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.

Debbie

Option four. Kill Patrick.

Frank

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.

Ian

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

Frank

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.

Fiona

You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

Lip

Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

Fiona

All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.

Frank

Well, like hell it is.

Fiona

Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.

Carl

Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

Fiona

Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

Frank

This is why democracy does not work.

Give me the money!

Jimmy

What the fuck?! What the fuck?!

Give me your money!

Jimmy

Is that a toy gun?! [Mugger girl fires a shot in the air with Jimmy handing her the cash who then runs away and Jimmy starts repeatedly swinging a carseat on the road] Aah! Fuck! Fuck! Aah! Fuck you! Fuck you! Aah!

Beto

Get in. We drink.

Jimmy

Fuck! Oh, god damn it!

Beto

Please tell your father I'm a big fan. It's truth, you see? What's truth? That you are no good for Fiona.

Jimmy

What the hell do you know?

Beto

I know you are not meant for this life. You are a rich boy, born with a silver spoon, eh? It's okay not to be ashamed. I am from the favela. Okay? And now I have silver spoon. You can go that way. But the other way? [Scoffs] That way is just misery. Bitter. Resent. [speaking Portuguese] It's better you should go now, before Fiona, and the kids get more, uh, what's the...?

Jimmy

Attached.

Beto

Attached, yes. Or before you and Fiona make a baby together. 'cause after a baby, Then it's misery, bitter, resent forever. Men, we need space to think. So walk, think. This time, I will not follow you.

Jimmy

Thanks, man.

Beto

Hey, but if you break any laws, I will chop off both your hands, eh?

Jimmy

I got it.

Fiona

You don't think I have enough to do around here? Jesus. I'm not your fucking mother. Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.

Jimmy

Motherfucker! Jesus!

Fiona

Where the fuck have you been?!

Jimmy

I'm bleeding!

Fiona

You disappear, you don't return my calls, my texts?!

Jimmy

I had something come up! [Gets slapped] Oh, fuck! Ouch! Fuck! Stop hitting me! [Fiona kicks him in the behind] God damn it! Enough! Enough with the hitting! Are you done?!

Fiona

Where, Jimmy, where?!

Jimmy

I was incommunicado for a while!

Fiona

For weeks, for months?!

Jimmy

About a year. On a boat. A yacht, actually!

Fiona

And not a call?! Not a text?!

Jimmy

I was handcuffed to a metal pipe in the engine room, pissing into an old malagueta can!

Fiona

For a year?!

Jimmy

For a while, yeah. And then I was slave labor in a Brazilian coca processing facility. Not much of a facility, really-- just some tents in the rainforest guarded by ladies with moustaches and AK-47s. Oh, and I caught malaria too. That knocked me out for a few months.

Fiona

That's bullshit!

Jimmy

And then I escaped into the jungle when the DEA showed up with the Federale. God's honest truth, I swear.

Fiona

[Referring to woman in diner] And who the hell is that?!

Jimmy

That's my partner!

Fiona

Your partner, as in your girlfriend?!

Jimmy

No, my partner as in crime. And shit, you're the one to talk.

Fiona

You got married? What was I supposed to do?! Was I supposed to sit on my porch, knitting, hoping one day you'd show back up?! You disappeared! Gone! Nothing!

Jimmy

I think you deviated my septum!

Fiona

Good! You're lucky I didn't have a knife! Oh, Jesus. Fuck.

Jimmy

I know. I know.

Fiona

You were going to college. You were-- you were becoming a doctor, and then you just vanished.

Jimmy

So what now?

Fiona

What do you mean, "So what now?!" I'm married!

Jimmy

Uh-huh. Jesus. [Fiona's phone rings]

Fiona

You're such a fucking asshole. Hey, Mickey.

Jimmy

Oh, Mickey Milkovich? Say hello to him for me.

Fiona

Shut the fuck up! Ian did what?! Okay, I'm coming. Yeah. I got to go.

Jimmy

Why?

Fiona

I have to go.

Jimmy

Wh-- what did Ian do? So that went well.