What do you make of these?
KermitThree of the most boring states of our country.
My foster daughter's been sending these. I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.
Kermit
"Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethel."
Kermit
If I had to guess... she's having a nice time in Kansas. -
Or she's being held at gunpoint... forced to write that.
Like I'm not worried enough.
Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested. See if there's other fingerprints.
Kermit
That's not gonna prove anything. You know how many people have touched this postcard?
Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat. Or semen. That'll tell a lot.
Kermit
Could be right. Many foster kids become prostitutes.
Jesus. Give me those. There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute. Social Services is on it.
Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?
SStan
[Appears wearing nothing but a jockstrap] I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay? [Chuckles]
Stan, what the fuck are you doing?!
Holy shit. Look at the hog on Stan.
SStan
Baseball game, what do you think?
Kermit
I've heard rumors about that thing.
SStan
Get your hands off me, knucklehead. You're gonna make me late.
You don't have a baseball game.
SStan
Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field. I saw it today on my calendar.
Your calendar from 1984? Come on, let's go upstairs.
SStan
Who's gonna play first base?
You know, I just got a call. They canceled the game.
SStan
Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it. Damn it.
Tommy! Hey, you still got that garage?
Yeah, it kinda comes with the house, Frank.
Great. What say you let me sleep there?
Because the last time you stayed at my place, you shit in my kitchen sink.
The layout of your home is very confusing.
No, Frank. No means no. [Holds up middle finger]
Fuck you, Tommy. Fuck you means fuck you.
Kermit
You can't stay with me, Frank.
Wh--what if I suck your dick?
Frank. What if you immigrate to Mexico, Frank? Reverse the prevailing tide.
Why are you even here? Should be collecting disability. 'cause I didn't injure my foot at work. Hey, let me crash at your place. I'll tell the insurance company that you did.
Why can't you stay at your place, Frank?
Ungrateful little shits! That's why. Things I do for them. Blood, sweat, and tears. [Phone rings at bar] This is not how a family treats each other.
[Answers phone] Yeah. Hang on. [Hands phone to Kevin] It's for you. V.
Hey, baby, what's going on? What? No, yeah, okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Watch the bar. [Walks away]
Little redheaded bitch is the worst of 'em. Expect it from the others, but not from- not from- from... Her- Debbie. Orphan Annie turned on me. That's how I got all these bruises. She hit me. With a bat. Now, I can't touch her. No. That is child abuse. I'd get reported. [Has an epiphany and makes call hiding behind coffee maker] Operator, can you connect me with child welfare ser- services? Yes, hello. I would like to report, uh... a- a negligence situation. 2119 North Wallace. Gallagher. Six kids living in squalor. No parental supervision. When the father is there, he's drunk. He hits them. Not--n-not that they don't deserve it. They're all criminals, delinquents, vio- what? No, if it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous. No, thank you. And God bless you.
[Listening nearby] That is an all-time low. Even for you, Frank.
All right, listen up. Bar got robbed this morning.
BPBar patron
Yeah? What'd they take? The cocktail napkins? [bar laughs]
$600, for your information. So who stole it? I give up. Who? No, not who stole it, like, guess who stole it. Who stole it like which one of you f****** stole my money?
BPBar patron
Why do you think we stole your money?
Because you knew where I hid it.
BPBar patrons
Ooh. We do now.
I said, [holds up a revolver] who stole my money.
[All the guns of the bar patrons are held out and cocked]
What, everyone has a gun?
Kermit
Bible says we have the right to bear arms.
Hey, Kermit. You ever bartend before?
Kermit
At my niece's wake. It was a sad, sad day.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, bartend for me for a little bit and wait for V, and then you get to drink for free all week. I always wanted to go to college.
[Enters Alibi Room with blood on face, chest and shirt] I'm back.
Damn. What... what happened to your face?
Mission accomplished. Yvon is gone. We are thrupple again.
He's no longer in our lives.
What did you say to him? How did he take it?
This is immaterial. We move forward now. [Looks at cut in reflective wall tile] Ah!
You got to give us more than that.
Ah, he causes divide between us. I get rid of divide. [Svetlana takes framed picture off of wall and defaces Yvon's face with a knife]
Kermit
Thank you for taking that down. That was creeping me out. [Svetlana puts framed picture back on wall] Yeah, that's way less creepy.
I got rid of him. We are back to normal now.
I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river?
What don't you understand?
Well, for starters, where his body is.
Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles. It gets us nowhere. I'm going to go into the back and do inventory. I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah?
[Veronica enters Alibi Room disapproving of how Svetlana has transformed the bar to proselytize Russian culture]
What the hell happened in here?
Halfprice drinks to anybody who can order in Russian.
Kermit
It took me a week to learn pivo pozhaluysta, and I still think I'm saying it wrong.
She only plays Red Army parades on the TV. Won't even change it for the Sox games.
So... you come back. It's about time. We need to talk.
No shit. I want you to do the right thing.
Svetlana Which is what?
Then no. You and big, handsome Kevin husband. are stupid people. You need caring for like babies.
We trusted you, and you lied to us.
You would have lost the bar. You would have lost everything. You didn't pay taxes for two years. I stayed up all night doing books while you two sleep. You should be in here thanking me instead of whining like little baby. You want to go back to old way, fine. Otherwise, get your chorny ass out of my bar. [Veronica punches Svetlana who retaliates with Veronica headbutting her which which escalates into a fight with them both rolling on the floor]
Kermit
Should we try to stop them?
Not until some clothes come off.
Have you guys ever experimented? Like in chemistry class?
Kermit
Me too.
No, not a chemistry experiment. But, like, you know... sexually?
Kermit
Nope. You mean like rolling her over?
...
Gotta look sharp for my Employee of the Month portrait session. Just another rung up the ladder, boys. Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.
I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.
Kermit
How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank?
It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable. My own children have said they won't care for me in old age. What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization?
That you didn't raise any fools.
I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage. And yet... here I am... as loose as the day I was born.
Retirement is for rich people. My old man was at GM for 40 years. Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up. Forty years and dick to show for it. But he got lucky.
Well, he died on the line. Keeled over into the stamping machine. Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark. Never even stopped the line.
Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.
[before flashback scenes] Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago. Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting,
Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
Kermit
We were good.
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
[Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
We fucking hate you, Frank.
V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
HHughie
You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
HHughie
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
HHughie
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
For stolen signs? What's the catch?
HHughie
Just get paid to steal.
Let me ask you fine gentlemen, which of these congressional candidates look like you?
That's a gay Latino man and a semi-hot black woman, Frank.
Exactly. American men used to control everything. Look at a history book. We used to be the leading men. Now, we're marginalized. I attended a congressional debate this afternoon, and you know what I experienced? Reverse racism. It's all diverse gays and vaginas now. The tide is changing, gentlemen, and it's changing too damn fast, am I right? [Bar patrons chatter]
Give me a beer. I'll tell you something else. They're trying to take the Old Blue Brewery away from us. They wanna convert it into an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O, or a--a goddamn African Art gallery?
We need a candidate of our own, boys. A bright, shining beacon of hope. We need someone who will promote and protect our values. Someone who'll make sure our culture doesn't disappear. Someone who sat on a barstool and stared down the gun barrel that is the working class experience. But who?
Kermit
He died.
He did? Are you sure? He did- somebody check. Did he die?
BPBar patron
[Checking phone] Uh, says here he's alive, just retired.
Well, that's perfect. Mo White is a genius idea. He was a true American congressman. He loosened the liquor license rules so that the Irish would have some place to drink. He helped rebuild Comiskey. He put in bocce for our Italian brothers.
BPBar patron
A- and- and horse-shoe pits.
Didn't he keep the Chris Columbus memorial from being torn down?
You bet your ass he did. Mo White is a friend of the South Side. We gotta find Mo White and write White in. [Frank] We need seed money for his campaign. [Grabs peanut bowl and holds up dollar bill] Ten bucks. I'll go first. Give me that. Ten bucks. Everybody, ten bucks. What do you say? Come on, yeah. The fundraising starts right now. The campaign pot is coming around. Hey, let's make Chicago white again.
[Chuckles and starts chanting] Mo White... [All bar patrons join in chanting] Mo White...
[Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
I haven't raped anybody in here.
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
Does she look familiar to you?
Kermit
No. No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
Kermit
V got to you, didn't she?
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
Kermit
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
Kermit
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Kermit
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
You think women like that?
I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
Maybe we should just stick with "women."
[Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
Kermit
Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
Why the hell would we want that?
We need a consistent standard.
All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
Kermit; I've never been so confused.
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
I was staying at a motel in Gary, laying asphalt after high school. Invited the front-desk girl to my room for a few beers. We ended up having sex, but she kind of cried through the whole thing. What's that called?
You think she wanted me to stop?
You think she was crying because she was having a good time?
Kermit
What's a Weinstein?
Being manipulative and pathetic.
Kermit
About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic.
You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?
Kermit
No.
Then you're probably an Ansari.
Kermit
What's an Ansari?
That's just being a dick.
Slipped a woman a Quaalude once.
What about that handsy Dr. Rob at the clinic, with the deep body hugs and the butt pats?
Cartoon guy. He made Toy Story.
Kermit
I love Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear! [Chuckles]
Kermit
What?
I mean, I slept with a woman I was dating's 19-year-old daughter last year. That got a name?
W- she made all the first moves, though.
You're gonna need a bigger board for your list, babe.
Consent, gentlemen. [Picks up stack of forms] A clear and verbal consent to participate in sexual activity, [Dumps stack on counter] freely given and reversible.
Even if we're both naked and already doing it?
Even if you're already naked and banging. [Door opens] When she says "stop," you stop.
BBeth
Beth Watson, Southside Beat.
Beth, thank you for coming. Can I get you something? Maybe a chilled glass of Chablis or a Cosmo?
Should've heard these women's stories. Rapes, beatings- I had no idea. If you had no idea, you've been walking around with blinders on.
Do you know how many times a day a guy touches me inappropriately? Hell, some asshole on the L yesterday stuck his nose in my cooch, said he lost his balance.
RRegina
Yeah. A guy pulled my dress off my shoulder at a club Saturday. Licked my nipple. Never seen him before in my life.
Kermit
Jesus.
I won't get on an escalator if I'm wearing a skirt.
RRegina
I wear a wedding ring everywhere to keep the assholes from bothering me.
All right, we get it. Christ.
I'm sorry. Is this stuff making you boys uncomfortable? Welcome to womanhood.
Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren. I'll take a Jamie, double-double. Heavy, heavy pour.
[Monotone] Rocks or neat?
Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither. What's wrong with you?
Kermit
Since when do you have a lady, Frank?
Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong. She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn... her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
[Hands drink'] You didn't answer me, so... I made it neat.
Shameless · 903 quotes
