Veronica Fisher quotes from Shameless

Veronica

[Fostering the kids] Five Gallaghers... I'm gonna to be the lone black dot on the map of Ireland.

Veronica

You better get a ski mask and a getaway car, 'cause that's the only way we gonna be able to afford four babies.

Veronica

Going through a sex famine over here

Veronica

Whatever you were looking at last week was not nearly as attractive as me. You know it and I know it. So clearly, your priorities are fucked up. Here's what you missed.

Veronica

[To Bianca] Do the world a favor. Kevorkian his ass!

Veronica

[Before flashback sequence] Were you just looking at my ass? I know you were just looking at my ass. You saying you wanted to know what happened last week on Shameless. Mm-hmm. Right. Sure you were. Nasty.

Ian

[To Frank] Hey. Is that my shirt?

Frank

Yeah.

Ian

I-I'm just asking. [Frank headbutts Ian in the nose in front of whole family]

Steve

Whoa!

Frank

Guy in the bar said to pass it on.

Steve

What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank?!

Fiona

Jesus Christ, Dad!

Steve

You're drunk, Frank, you're drunk!

Frank

This-this is drunk? Stop it, okay, Steve? You want to see drunk?

Steve

Don't do this to your kids, Frank.

Frank

Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a fuckin' tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Fiona

Steve, go! Get out!

Steve

Hey, just go.

Frank

He's shitting his pants. Pussy.

Steve

You're pathetic, Frank.

Fiona

Get out now! I mean it!

Frank

Come on. Don't go. Come on. Puss, puss, puss, puss. What? You want to say something, pussy? Mr. Joe fucking...Ah, get the... Pussy.

Veronica

Ice.

Frank

It's a bloody nose. He's not dying.

Veronica

Really, Frank?

Frank

Anybody notice that I'm bleeding?

Kevin

[He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.

Veronica

What?

Kevin

[Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!

Fiona

Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.

Steve

Tall grande latte, two shots.

Fiona

Sugar?

Steve

Absolutely. Kids home?

Fiona

Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.

Steve

That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.

Fiona

Lunch?

Steve

It's a euphemism.

Fiona

How quaint.

Steve

Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?

Fiona

Liam?

Steve

Get a sitter.

Fiona

Costs too much.

Steve

How much?

Fiona

At least 50 bucks.

Fiona

You're not paying me to fuck you.

Steve

No, I couldn't pay you enough.

Fiona

Did you hear that?

Steve

No.

Fiona

You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?

Steve

Liam?

Fiona

He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.

Fiona

You stay with Liam.

Steve

Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.

Fiona

Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.

Debbie

I... came back.

Fiona

Are you okay?

Debbie

Katie Crasden's having a party.

Fiona

Katie Crasden?

Debbie

Two streets over.

Steve

And she... didn't invite you?

Fiona

She's only three. What happened?

Debbie

Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...

Fiona

Her dad did what?

Debbie

He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.

Fiona

What wasn't fair? What?

Debbie

Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.

Fiona

Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?

Debbie

What?

Fiona

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Fiona

Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?

Veronica

Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.

Fiona

I never saw that.

Veronica

Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.

Veronica

What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.

Carl

It can be both if you want.

Fiona

Is he retarded?

Veronica

I wish. Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. He's a shrink's wet dream.

Veronica

Hey, Justin Bieber, how's things at Goldman Sachs?

Well enough for me to afford getting ripped off here. And it's J.P. Morgan.

Veronica

All you mortgage-raping shits should be in prison anyway.

I was in grad school during the mortgage crisis. Nowadays, we're trying to short Euros so Greece will go bankrupt. [To Fiona] Are we on for later?

Fiona

I haven't decided if I still like you.

My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.

Fiona

What?

Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.

Fiona

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Fiona

I thought it was a joke.

Carl

Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.

Veronica

My steak is too rare.

Fiona

Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]

Lip

What was the final tally in the purse?

Fiona

Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.

Ian

Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?

Lip

Um.... Kim Furtado.

Veronica

Some rich bitch.

Ian

In our neighborhood?

Fiona

I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.

Carl

That guy from your diary?

Fiona

Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.

Veronica

You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?

Lip

It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.

Fiona

Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.

Debbie

In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.

I can't wait to die.

Debbie

Why?

To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.

Debbie

Oh.

Lip

Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?

Fiona

Ride the L more often?

Lip

Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]

Jonah and I are off to the playground.

Veronica

Anybody offers you candy, that's code for crack. Apple jacks, crunch 'n munch, hotcakes, jellybeans, fries, caviar, crackers, dip-- all crack. Say, "no, thank you."

Got it. I'll go tell Malik.

Veronica

Malik?

We're having a play date.

Veronica

Sounds more like a date date. I know what goes on in the playground besides hopscotch and middle-aged men jacking off. That kid's a player.

He's the best player! He showed me an old basketball game on TV last night, and I learned so much. Did you know that Chinese people can grow to be seven feet tall?

Veronica

Last night? He skipped the game?

Hey, ready to bounce, E? Hey, Ms. V.

Veronica

You don't skip out on your team unless you're lying in a hospital bed with an iv drip and a bullet in your spine.

The game last night? We didn't have no game.

Veronica

Kev said there was a game.

Nah, you got it twisted. Next game's tomorrow. Hey, let's get ghost.

Veronica

Okay.

Later, Miss V.

Kevin

Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin

Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

Sheila

Quiet, please.

Jody

Quiet, everyone.

Sheila

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody

That's right, Mom.

Hear, hear.

Sheila

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

Sheila

People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Oh.

Sheila

And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila

Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona

Frank.

Frank

Let them work it out.

Sheila

And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin

Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people