I always thought agoraphobia was permanent, like autism or AIDS.
She'll be out in the world, she'll go back to work, she'll learn the truth.
That you're a raging alcoholic?
KKate
Who owes money to everyone?
Who's had sex with her daughter?
It's not sex if you can't remember it.
Well, then you're a virgin, Frank.
Gonna be out on my butt in weeks.
Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?
I don't like them and they don't like me.
TommyFrank squatted at my place for six months. Finally bought tear gas, smoked him out.
KKate
I gave myself crabs to get him out of my place.
It wasn't the crabs, it was your empty fridge. Laugh, laugh. If laughing at me is good for your self-worth, laugh on. My gift.
What do you make of these?
Three of the most boring states of our country.
My foster daughter's been sending these. I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.
"Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethel."
If I had to guess... she's having a nice time in Kansas. -
Tommy
Or she's being held at gunpoint... forced to write that.
Like I'm not worried enough.
Tommy
Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested. See if there's other fingerprints.
That's not gonna prove anything. You know how many people have touched this postcard?
Tommy
Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat. Or semen. That'll tell a lot.
Could be right. Many foster kids become prostitutes.
Jesus. Give me those. There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute. Social Services is on it.
Tommy
Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?
SStan
[Appears wearing nothing but a jockstrap] I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay? [Chuckles]
Stan, what the fuck are you doing?!
Tommy
Holy shit. Look at the hog on Stan.
SStan
Baseball game, what do you think?
I've heard rumors about that thing.
SStan
Get your hands off me, knucklehead. You're gonna make me late.
You don't have a baseball game.
SStan
Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field. I saw it today on my calendar.
Your calendar from 1984? Come on, let's go upstairs.
SStan
Who's gonna play first base?
You know, I just got a call. They canceled the game.
SStan
Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it. Damn it.
I'll tell you this. For all of their laziness and lack of motivation, the Mexicans are a lovely people.
Tommy
Why'd you go down there, Frank? Hey, I'll take another, Kev.
Sometimes a man just has to get away, be alone with his thoughts.
Tommy
[Kevin slides bottle to Tommy and Frank intercepts it, uncaps and takes a sip with Tommy snatching it from Frank, wiping the bottle top on his shirt] Hey! Jesus. So what, you woke up from a drunken stupor, ddidn't know where you were?
I knew exactly where I was. Had a business opportunity With our south-of-the-border brothers. What did you do to your foot?
It fell off. Was the only prosthetic I could afford.
Tommy
What kind of business opportunity?
I was hired to move some inventory.
Tommy
Drug mule?
Only the best the Mexicanos have ever seen.
Tommy
Not something you really want to be bragging about, Frank. Which end did it go in?
Tommy! Hey, you still got that garage?
Tommy
Yeah, it kinda comes with the house, Frank.
Great. What say you let me sleep there?
Tommy
What say I don't.
Tommy
Because the last time you stayed at my place, you shit in my kitchen sink.
The layout of your home is very confusing.
Tommy
No, Frank. No means no. [Holds up middle finger]
Fuck you, Tommy. Fuck you means fuck you.
You can't stay with me, Frank.
Wh--what if I suck your dick?
Frank. What if you immigrate to Mexico, Frank? Reverse the prevailing tide.
Why are you even here? Should be collecting disability. 'cause I didn't injure my foot at work. Hey, let me crash at your place. I'll tell the insurance company that you did.
Why can't you stay at your place, Frank?
Ungrateful little shits! That's why. Things I do for them. Blood, sweat, and tears. [Phone rings at bar] This is not how a family treats each other.
[Answers phone] Yeah. Hang on. [Hands phone to Kevin] It's for you. V.
Hey, baby, what's going on? What? No, yeah, okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Watch the bar. [Walks away]
Little redheaded bitch is the worst of 'em. Expect it from the others, but not from- not from- from... Her- Debbie. Orphan Annie turned on me. That's how I got all these bruises. She hit me. With a bat. Now, I can't touch her. No. That is child abuse. I'd get reported. [Has an epiphany and makes call hiding behind coffee maker] Operator, can you connect me with child welfare ser- services? Yes, hello. I would like to report, uh... a- a negligence situation. 2119 North Wallace. Gallagher. Six kids living in squalor. No parental supervision. When the father is there, he's drunk. He hits them. Not--n-not that they don't deserve it. They're all criminals, delinquents, vio- what? No, if it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous. No, thank you. And God bless you.
[Listening nearby] That is an all-time low. Even for you, Frank.
You don't have to want it. Doing things you don't want to do is how you make a relationship work.
I can't, Frank. I'm sorry. Sex toys are a gateway choice.
Toys can be mind-expanding.
I just got my one-year chip from sex addicts anonymous. Part of my recovery's to make certain that I only have loving, committed sex. No battery-powered aids allowed.
She just wants to kick it up a notch. Make her happy.
The key to my continued happiness is to have loving sex infrequently.
I've mastered the infrequent part.
This isn't about your happiness. It's about Sheila's.
I finally got my life back under control. If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me. It's an addiction.
Oh, would you stop bragging? We're all sex addicts, man.
What, thinking about it? Yeah. More.
No, the act. Arousal and release. Before I got into SA, I was having sex 10, 12 times a day.
Never receiving. I was destroying.
That's what I used to call it; "destroying pussy."
You all make coming to work such a delight. [She walks away]
10, 12 times a day? The same woman?
Never. That's the thing about the internet. Once you announce your depravity, there's plenty of other depravers seeking company. I mean, if you put it out there, you can find a ton of willing participants who want to be humiliated having sex.
Tommy
I got to re-up my AOL account.
One week, I had 32 different partners. Didn't cost me a dime. Toys, contraptions, Restraints. You know, you start messing around, you think you're under control, but eventually you abuse your arousal center, needing stranger and stranger shit to flip your switch. I mean, I started to look at sex like a fight, and my weapon was my cock. I knew I really had a problem when I couldn't get hard unless I was slapping it in the face of a woman who was pretending she was crying.
I underestimated you, Jody. In a bar full of depraved people, you are the grand poobah of depravity.
Was. Won't be again. What do I owe you for the Ginger Ale, Kev?
[Jimmy is at The Alibi]
I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.
Tommy
Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.
Welcome back. How was your vacay?
Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--
A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?
Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
[Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
PPatron
Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.
That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
PPatron
How do you know that?
Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
PPatron
Shit, is that gold?!
Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]
Tommy
Fuck it. Why not?
There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.
Tommy
Oh, you pussied up.
Yeah, well, might have been some phone sex with Miami.
What are you guys building on top of the old nursing home?
Tommy
I don't build. I'm just demo.
I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you all what it is. It's a Starbucks. Or some sort of artisanal juicery. Or a whole fucking foods.
Tommy
Just drop it, Frank, all right?
I'm talking about gentrification, my friends.
Tommy
Genital what?
I'm talking about the beginning of the end. I have seen this before on Fulton Street in '64. On Kirby Street in '68. Realtors started buying up property at better than market value, and within a few months, the whole neighborhood was over run with the gentry, and we were forced out. Today, the urban gentry is monied lesbians. They knock on your door. They offer you twice what your home is worth, and they do it 'cause they know something you don't.
Tommy
He like this at home?
You think I'd let him live in my home?
Laugh, laugh. You won't be laughing in a year. When you won't be able to afford to live here. They move in, they take over. They kick the homeless out of the park as if they don't have a God given right to sleep there. We are dinosaurs, my friend. And a big, fat comet is headed for our sweet slice of earth. And that comet is a Starbucks.
More of a tradesman, actually.
Wow. Looks and smarts? Did I get lucky tonight or what? And I like your jacket. It's very classy.
...
Tommy
Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!
Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday? What? You know, it's the fourth? Of July? It's, you know, America's birthday. It's the birth of democracy. Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass. No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks. This ain't the post office.
Tommy
No.
I-I think I tweaked my back.
Tommy
You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?
Tommy
Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job. So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.
...
MMatty
Last night, did we, um.
I know. It was wonderful.
MMatty
So that did happen?
MMatty
I was, I was plastered.
But you had a... Your thing...
MMatty
No, Debbie, that's biology. That's not consent. [Sighs]
I thought it meant you wanted to.
MMatty
Did I say I wanted to? Not exactly. Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay? You date-raped me.
MMatty
No, Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself. I could go to jail.
MMatty
Friends don't rape friends.
I-I didn't mean to rape you. I'm sorry.
[Matty walks away]
[Enters Alibi Room with blood on face, chest and shirt] I'm back.
Damn. What... what happened to your face?
Mission accomplished. Yvon is gone. We are thrupple again.
He's no longer in our lives.
What did you say to him? How did he take it?
This is immaterial. We move forward now. [Looks at cut in reflective wall tile] Ah!
You got to give us more than that.
Ah, he causes divide between us. I get rid of divide. [Svetlana takes framed picture off of wall and defaces Yvon's face with a knife]
Thank you for taking that down. That was creeping me out. [Svetlana puts framed picture back on wall] Yeah, that's way less creepy.
I got rid of him. We are back to normal now.
Tommy
I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river?
What don't you understand?
Well, for starters, where his body is.
Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles. It gets us nowhere. I'm going to go into the back and do inventory. I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah?
Who is this spastic woman?
Frank's wife. The kids' mother.
Tommy
You gonna tell us where you've been, Monica?
Iowa. Some shitsville roadhouse off the 80. Bunch of truckers. More guns than teeth in that place. Once, I saw a guy skin a buck in the parking lot with a rock and a rope.
Tommy
Wow, civility is alive and well.
So, what brings you back to town?
Frank and the kids. I'm gonna make good. You hear that, Lip? I got a plan. I'm gonna set you and the kids up for life.
[Veronica enters Alibi Room disapproving of how Svetlana has transformed the bar to proselytize Russian culture]
Tommy
Jesus, thank God.
What the hell happened in here?
Halfprice drinks to anybody who can order in Russian.
It took me a week to learn pivo pozhaluysta, and I still think I'm saying it wrong.
Tommy
She only plays Red Army parades on the TV. Won't even change it for the Sox games.
So... you come back. It's about time. We need to talk.
No shit. I want you to do the right thing.
Svetlana Which is what?
Then no. You and big, handsome Kevin husband. are stupid people. You need caring for like babies.
We trusted you, and you lied to us.
You would have lost the bar. You would have lost everything. You didn't pay taxes for two years. I stayed up all night doing books while you two sleep. You should be in here thanking me instead of whining like little baby. You want to go back to old way, fine. Otherwise, get your chorny ass out of my bar. [Veronica punches Svetlana who retaliates with Veronica headbutting her which which escalates into a fight with them both rolling on the floor]
Should we try to stop them?
Tommy
Not until some clothes come off.
Have you guys ever experimented? Like in chemistry class?
Tommy
I took shop.
No, not a chemistry experiment. But, like, you know... sexually?
Tommy
No.
Nope. You mean like rolling her over?
...
Tommy
Jesus! Who died?!
Gotta look sharp for my Employee of the Month portrait session. Just another rung up the ladder, boys. Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.
Fucking unbelievable! That's what it is.
This United States of America. I played by the rules. I gave my life, my blood, sweat, and tears to that job. Paid my taxes...
Tommy
For a few weeks.
Colored inside the lines. Didn't roll through the stop sign. And where did it get me? Up the ass, that's where. Right up the ole poop shoot. I was moving up in this world. And now? I'm a 50-something adult white male with a couple of years of college and managerial experience, and the only thing available to me is minimum wage! The system is fucked! Give me a shot of Jamie. And leave the bottle. The America we knew has ditched the party and turned the lights out, boys and girls. And left us white guys in the dark to fight each other over the few crumbs left behind by our masters. Am I right?!
AAkram
You think you're having a shit day, pal? I'm being deported next month. Been here 25 years. I was a translator in Iraq during the goddamn Desert Storm. Now they're kicking me out. Because of a fucking speeding ticket. I tried to flee up to Canada, but they stopped me at the border, wouldn't let me in, sent me back.
Wait, you're trying to get out of America?
Jesus, that's a piece of fucking cake.
AAkram
Yeah, maybe for a white guy.
[Extends hand for a handshake] Frank Gallagher.
Akram, my friend. This could be your lucky day.
I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.
How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank?
It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable. My own children have said they won't care for me in old age. What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization?
Tommy
That you didn't raise any fools.
I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage. And yet... here I am... as loose as the day I was born.
Tommy
Retirement is for rich people. My old man was at GM for 40 years. Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up. Forty years and dick to show for it. But he got lucky.
Tommy
Well, he died on the line. Keeled over into the stamping machine. Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark. Never even stopped the line.
Tommy
Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.
[before flashback scenes] Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago. Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting,
Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
Tommy
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
[Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
Tommy
We fucking hate you, Frank.
V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
Tommy
Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
HHughie
You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
HHughie
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
HHughie
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
For stolen signs? What's the catch?
HHughie
Just get paid to steal.
Shameless · 903 quotes
