Ian Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Ian

[To Frank] You haven't even claimed your mom's body from the morgue and you wanna tell me how to treat mine?

Ian

Hey! Some of us want to graduate and do something with our lives. So how about you all shut the fuck up and let me sleep?

Ian

Hey, why you crying? It's a beautiful morning, don't you know? Okay, you need a new diaper, don't you? Shh. All right. Hey, hey, hey. [Shushes baby] You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away. Okay. [Baby Wailing] Okay, okay, okay. Uh Okay, okay. Diapers. Where are diapers? Diaper. No diaper. Hey, Yevvy, look what I found. [Holds up a Motorhead t-shirt] Motorhead, yeah. Heavy metal diaper. You're gonna be a big badass. All the other babies are gonna look at you, and you're such a big badass, they're gonna go running-- no, crawling away in fear. Why are you still crying? Oh. You're hungry. It's morning. Babies get hungry in the morning. Uh, no food, but we're near an aqueduct. We can forage. We can hunt. We can get wild greens, okay? [Hoists Yevgeny on his shoulders and in deep voice] We go now. We hunt like men. One, two, three. Up, up, and away.

Ian

I'm heavily sedated, and even I know what happened last week on Shameless. The hell have you been?

Ian

[View goes into Ian's room in bed with Mickey, with Ian leaping out of bed lunging at viewer before recap flashbacks] How the hell'd you get in here? Hey, I'm not gonna tell you what happened last week on Shameless, all right? Go look it up on goddamn Wikipedia! [Slams door shut]

Lip

Hey, Carl, you seen Ian?

Carl

Uh, gone when I woke up. [Lip walks outside to backyard to van to find Ian smoking]

Lip

[Shows Ian the binder full of clippings of bodybuilding men] How can that be good for you? Or... or... or... or that? How can that be good for you?

Ian

Yeah. You know what's not funny, huh?

Lip

Huh?

Ian

You. Ever.

Lip

Anybody before Kash?

Ian

One.

Lip

Yeah? Who?

Ian

I'm not telling you, all right?

Lip

Name a single time I've let you down.

Ian

It was a kid at school.

Lip

Yeah?

Ian

All right, I guess it doesn't really matter 'cause, I mean, he's long gone now anyways, but, uh... Roger Spikey.

Lip

Roger Spikey? Fucking donkey dick Roger Spikey? The original beefmeister? Or did he start that rumor?

Ian

Not a rumor.

Lip

Whoa, that was a bit gay. What you just did there with your eyebrows. You want to watch that.

Ian

All right, fuck off, all right?

Lip

But seriously, like... like up the ass? Do you get used to that? Can someone get used to that? I mean... I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic. It just is.

Lip

What? What?!

Ian

"Just is." Like, like, we're only given our lungs to freakin' smoke, right?

Ian

[To Frank] Hey. Is that my shirt?

Frank

Yeah.

Ian

I-I'm just asking. [Frank headbutts Ian in the nose in front of whole family]

Steve

Whoa!

Frank

Guy in the bar said to pass it on.

Steve

What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank?!

Fiona

Jesus Christ, Dad!

Steve

You're drunk, Frank, you're drunk!

Frank

This-this is drunk? Stop it, okay, Steve? You want to see drunk?

Steve

Don't do this to your kids, Frank.

Frank

Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a fuckin' tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Fiona

Steve, go! Get out!

Steve

Hey, just go.

Frank

He's shitting his pants. Pussy.

Steve

You're pathetic, Frank.

Fiona

Get out now! I mean it!

Frank

Come on. Don't go. Come on. Puss, puss, puss, puss. What? You want to say something, pussy? Mr. Joe fucking...Ah, get the... Pussy.

Veronica

Ice.

Frank

It's a bloody nose. He's not dying.

Veronica

Really, Frank?

Frank

Anybody notice that I'm bleeding?

Lip

Nice jacket Kash bought you.

Ian

Thanks.

Mandy

Yeah. Tell Kash I'll take it in the ass if it gets me free stuff.

[Approaches] Hey, yeah, I'm talking to you.

Lip

Yeah?

You got a phone?

Lip

What, your truck break down?

No, genius, I like standing in a shitty neighborhood with my dick in my hands. I'm already two hours late on this load. I try to take one shortcut, this is what I get. My goddamn kid drained my phone playing "Doodle Jump." My goddamn wife took my charger. I'll give you 5 bucks if you let me use your phone. Just one call.

Lip

Oh, we don't have a phone. Our dad says not till we're 18. Um, but you know what? There's a bar, I think, about 10 blocks that way. What's it called? Uh, O'Flaherty's. O'Flaherty's. Tell them your family's from County Cork.

Ten blocks?

Lip

Maybe five. Straight shot.

This is yours if you keep an eye on the truck.

Lip

Five bucks?

Ian

Oh, cool. Thanks, mister.

Hey, hey. Make sure no one gets near it.

Lip

Will do. [Whips out cellphone] Yo, Kev. Forty-third and Halsted. Bring a crowbar.

[Showing her husband the security tape] Does anything look different to you?

No.

You don't see the camera? It's like it moved just a little bit. There.

Register matches inventory.

Yeah, you're right. I should probably shut it off. But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy. Here it is. Billy Elliot cornholing the father of my children. Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face. [Kash turns off TV] What? We were just getting to the climax. Literally. [Ian enters store]

Ian

Linda, I just got your message. What's up? [Linda walks over to Ian and punches him in the face]

That's for screwing my husband.

What are you gonna tell the kids?

I'm not.

What about my mom?

You bastard. What about me?

Do you want me to go?

Where does that leave me? Starting over? I'm a white Muslim. I want another baby.

What?

I get what I want, and you can have what you want. Behind closed doors. I don't wanna be the laughing stock of the mosque. But no touching the forbidden fruit until I'm knocked up. We clear?

Ian

I'm sorry.

You're not fired. My opinion? You could do better.

Ian

What did I miss with Mom?

Lip

You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?

Ian

Yeah.

Lip

Turns out he's the good one.

Ian

It's kind of hard to explain.

Lip

Try me.

Ian

Mickey's gay and we're doing it. And Kash shot Mickey because of me. Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay. So I'm doing both Kash and Mickey. Well, not so much Kash lately. When Kash and me were hot and heavy, Linda found out about it and is blackmailing Kash into have another kid.

Lip

Holy shit.

Ian

Yeah.

Monica

There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.

Frank

You did PCP? Without me? You promised we would do that together.

Fiona

Excuse me, can we get back to who lan's father is?

Lip

Uh, uh, I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank. It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.

Frank

Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?

Ian

All right. The results say that you, Frank are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative. Most likely one of your brothers.

Debbie

Dad has brothers?

Lip

He has two, right?

Fiona

Three.

I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.

Ian

[About their uncle] Look, he's going to be a douchebag, no matter who he is.

Lip

He can't be any worse than Frank.

Ian

He's a Gallagher.

Lip

Maybe he'll take you to a game or... you know, kick in some scratch for college, or give you a kidney. Hell, a birthday card once a year... that's a win, right?

Ian

If I get convicted, I can't enlist.

Lip

What? In the Marines? Good. I was planning on kneecapping you in your sleep to keep you out of Kandahar anyway.

Ian

I was hoping for Korengal.

Lip

Isn't that where, uh, Todd Iggulden's brother lost a foot?

Ian

Got him the Silver Star.

Lip

Yeah?

Ian

And a handicapped placard to hang from the mirror of his mom's Civic.

Phillip Gallagher.

No relation to our favorite overnight guest Frank, I hope.

Lip

Son.

You're Frank's kid? And this is your first felony bust? Getting a little late start for a Gallagher, aren't you?

Lip

Slow study, I guess.

And Ian. Another Frank progeny?

Lip

'Fraid so.

You always let your brother speak for you, Ian?

Lip

He's mute.

Ian

I can talk.

So, what... you two geniuses stole a Porsche Cayenne and, what, decided to go on a little late-night White Castle run? Come on, Ian. You do not want to do time. Not with that face.

Lip

I stole the car. Ian didn't know anything about it.