Where'd all this come from?
LiamCarl bought Froot Loops.
And cage-free organic eggs and juice with the pulp in it. [To Liam] Eat up, little homey.
Where you getting all this money?
You better not be selling drugs again, Carl.
Nope, no drugs. I learned my lesson. [Flashback scene reveals Carl selling handguns from a washroom stall at school]
Ian: You better watch out. If she doesn't like what you're doing, she might try to fire you from the family.
Yeah, or try to force you to get an abortion.
[Frank and Liam arrive at his school for the first day only to discover the school deserted]
Holy shit. Place is a ghost town. I think someone's in there.
[Knocks on door]
CCustodian
I'm coming, I'm coming. [Opens door] What's going on? They sent out letters letting folks know the school was closed.
CCustodian
Not enough kids to keep the place open.
CCustodian
Since the new private school opened up. Bourgie parents sending their kids over there now.
A private school in this neighborhood?
CCustodian
A lot of new money moving into the Yards. Bunch of Richie Riches.
Where's my son supposed to go?
CCustodian
Oh, they're bussing kids over to Lincoln Douglas Elementary.
That's a 30-minute bus ride.
CCustodian
Not counting the stops. Probably overcrowded. Forty kids to a class, I hear.
So this private school, where is it?
CCustodian
Took over the Blessed Virgin from the Dioceses.
The B... I went there. The archbishop sold it? What happened to the nuns?
CCustodian
Ah, they shipped them off to assisted living. They were all a couple of hundred years old. Not enough poor kids in the neighborhood to keep the doors open.
...
Liam
Whoa. Oh, cool. Chickens.
Why aren't you going to public school? Afraid of being exposed to regular kids?
Is it because my son is poor? Or black?
TTeacher
Children, let's go inside.
The public-school system is being gutted by you sending your kid to this expensive private school.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll pay taxes to support public schools...
TTeacher
Don't listen to him. Let's go.
But God forbid you or your husband, or your wife, would actually send your child to one.
TTeacher
Sir, this is private property. You need to leave.
This is just the 21st-century version of segregation.
TTeacher
I'm gonna call the police.
I'm leaving. Come on, Liam, let's go.
Liam
Can I have a chicken?
No, you can't have a chicken. And do you know why? Because these people don't want you to ever have a chicken. In fact, they've spent thousands of dollars a year so that they can buy up all the chickens in the whole world to guarantee that you will never, ever get a chicken ever in your whole entire life.
She's a hot piece of ass, your mother! Don't get me wrong. But within that fine mortal husk lies a rotting pile of filth, and I don't want her soiling you, so, from now on, you fight.
Liam
Fight Mama?
Yes, my son. Fight her with every muscle in your wee body, or she will drag you into her pit of despair and murder your soul. So... Remember, whenever you see the blonde woman with the green boots and the blue parka, you yell, "Stranger, danger," and kick her until an adult shows up.
[Ian and Carl are counting money on family room couch]
[Comes in] Monica's ex found us?
Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub. Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us. You got any money left?
Uh, no. Only a couple hundred. I had to pay off some debts. Debs?
Spent it all on equipment and welding school. I'm broke.
Liam
Yeah?
You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth?
Liam
No.
Well, has somebody got a better idea? Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money?
Hey, Debs, how about Neil?
He literally just broke up with me. He said I'm a horrible person.
[Comes in holding something furry] Evening, family.
Roadkill, I'm afraid. I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
Of course. [Hands over cash wad]
Thanks. Seven fucking dollars?
We could rob where you work. Know where they keep the safe?
You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
Monica. Not me. And it's Francis now. I no longer resonate with a hard K.
[Ian and Carl come in the door to kitchen]
Violating a veteran of the Armed Forces requires an immediate show of counterinsurgency. Shock and awe for those bitches.
[Hands Lip a flyer] Don't ask.
Fuck's a neighborhood watch?
A club of George Zimmerman-type of pussies who aren't trained for military action.
Oh, I think it's a group version of not minding your own business.
Liam
Fiona's gonna be pissy.
Liam
Let Sean in.
What? Sean? Sean?! He was here?!
Liam
Yep, then he left.
Sun salutations, fruits of my loins. Am I hearing correctly? The Sean has returned?
Liam
Yep.
This is a test of our family's spiritual growth. I forgive him and wish him peace on his journey.
How much longer are we gonna be putting up with St. Francis of the Southside?
Permanent life change is a daily practice, Lip. I've just entered my symbolic 30s and they require a new sense of maturity.
What happened to your symbolic 20s?
We grow up fast in the age of enlightenment.
That's great, so Frank's in his early 30s and I'm back in puberty. I'm getting a boner every morning and having to whack off.
No, it's part of the rules of sobriety. You know, I'm supposed to stay away from relationships... for a while.
Ooh, beware of rules, son. Real change happens when you reset your internal clock.
Thanks for the fatherly advice.
Your 30s are all about becoming a stand-up man. And learning to embrace fatherhood.
Too bad you're out of kids to screw up.
That's so not true. I've still got Liam. He's the only Gallagher who hasn't been ruined by that whirlwind known as Monica. And I'm going to parent him the way I should've been parenting all along, right, son? Let's get you to school on time. The first step in good parenting... Punctuality. Let's go.
Liam
You get the light? Read to me.
Liam
Other kids' parents read to them at night.
Oh. Right, that's a... that's a thing. [Picks book off table] Uh... "The victorious strategist seeks battle after the victory has been won, while he who is destined to defeat first fights and seeks victory afterwards." Hmm.
Liam
Are we at war?
Yes, we are, son. You're, um... probably a little young for this, but I'm gonna plant a seed here. Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school were once radicals. Rebels. Renegades. At some point, they fell in step with societal expectations and became robots. So when they look at us, loudmouthed, antiestablishment, unafraid to confront the power structures, they feel alive. So... we gotta take advantage of that. Right?
Liam
Right.
Mr. Gallagher, a word. Liam failed his exam today. He only got two out of ten questions correct.
Liam
I didn't understand the questions.
What kind of questions are we talking?
Basic word association. "Jennifer blanked the glue and finished her project." The choices were "applied," "kicked," or "sliced." Liam scribbled them out and wrote "sniffed."
Well, technically, it works. What else you got?
"The front door is to the foyer as the back door is to..." The choices were "sidewalk," "kitchen," "street." He wrote "penis."
How the hell would he know what a foyer is? What are we, the Rockefellers?
These questions are standardized across the private school curriculum...
To favor the students who understand the references. This is cultural bias. You'll put his face on your brochure, but you ignore his background.
I understand your concerns, Mr. Gallagher...
Great. What are you gonna do about them?
[Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]
No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...
[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!
Think we should do something?
She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.
He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?
So we shouldn't do anything?
Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.
Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.
No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.
Liam
Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?
Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.
I still need $3,527 for tuition.
Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.
[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.
Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.
Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.
[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!
Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!
[Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
[Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
ILIan, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam
Yes.
Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Who had several different names.
Almost married a heroin addict.
Liam
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the... documentary?
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
Liam
Does a hickey count?
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
GJGay Jesus fans
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
Liam
How?
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
MMurph
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
MMurph
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
MMurph
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
I met your friend Dylan's dad.
Liam
You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?
I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.
[Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.
Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?
What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.
I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.
Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.
Liam
So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?
Liam
Yeah.
Liam
I'm very proud to be your partner.
And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.
Liam
The code?
To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.
Liam
What the hell was that?
Shameless · 903 quotes
