Debbie Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Debbie

[To Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!

Debbie

I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!

Debbie

[Reading a pregnancy test] [In an excited voice] Oh shit! [In a dreading voice] Oh shit...

Debbie

[Uses her welder torch to bust open a car trunk to reveal cellophane-wrapped bricks and collects it] Mommy's gonna get her tuition. Yes, she is.

Debbie

[Before flashback scenes] I'm getting really sick and tired of this "having to tell you what happened last week" shit. Take some notes or something. Get a pencil. Grab some paper. I'm serious. I can wait. [As she waiting for the viewers to take notes on their notebooks or paper]

Debbie

[At her vehicle] I understand we all have busy lives. Sometimes you miss an episode for the little things in life, like a heart transplant or a multiple murder in the family, but there should be no damn reason on Earth that I have to tell you what you missed last week on "Shameless." Hmm. [Gets in her vehicle]

Debbie

[Before flashback scenes] You again? [Scoffs] You really wanna know what happened last week on Shameless? The same old shit as last week. When you work for a living, the weeks just seem to blur together, you know what I mean? [Hands beer bottle to Frannie who drinks up and Debbie sighs] Don't judge me. It's not like she wouldn't be drinking by the third grade growing up in this neighborhood. Go.

Debbie

[Before flashback scenes] Hey, what are you doing here? You didn't even watch last week's Shameless. Get the fuck out of my truck.

Debbie

Welcome home, Daddy. You decent? Thought you might be thirsty. [Hands him beer bottle] It's Canadian. There's more in fridge. I asked Veronica to get it.

Frank

I don't want anything Canadian in this house, from this point on. There's no hot water. For fuck's sake!

Fiona

[Fiona hands envelope to him] Disability. It's Saturday. Bank's close at 12:00.

Fiona

[To Debbie] Clean clothes, top of the dryer. [To Frank] Don't ever hit one of my kids again.

Frank

Your kids? They're my...

Fiona

Never again.

Frank

Is he still here?

Fiona

Who, Steve? He's probably still outside.

Frank

Well, tell him he's not welcome in my house.

Fiona

He's the one who got you back.

Frank

Why would he do that? Hmm? When I woke up, in Toronto, in a park, looking like a fucking homeless tweaker, all I could smell was Drakkar Noir. Middle of a park... Drakkar Noir. I just spent five hours with him in that camper. Same fucking smell! Wish you'd taken a camera. Total shithole. Hey, what's urine and Canadian beer have in common? They both come from pussies. Bet you're the only one who missed me.

Fiona

No, 'cause Carl said, "The cable's off. Where's the ladder?" And Lip said, "Dad's the only one who knows what to do on the pole." Did you see Toronto?

Frank

Yeah.

Fiona

CN Tower?

Frank

Christ, yeah! You can see right across all of Canada from the top. I didn't stay up there long, though. Don't know what Canadian women are into, but they couldn't take their eyes off me, like, "Hey, I'm having that guy." Got a bit unnerving, so I headed on back down. Bits of Canada are beautiful. You just have to know your way around.

Fiona

Do you now?

Frank

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Every inch.

Kevin

[He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.

Veronica

What?

Kevin

[Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!

Fiona

Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.

Steve

Tall grande latte, two shots.

Fiona

Sugar?

Steve

Absolutely. Kids home?

Fiona

Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.

Steve

That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.

Fiona

Lunch?

Steve

It's a euphemism.

Fiona

How quaint.

Steve

Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?

Fiona

Liam?

Steve

Get a sitter.

Fiona

Costs too much.

Steve

How much?

Fiona

At least 50 bucks.

Fiona

You're not paying me to fuck you.

Steve

No, I couldn't pay you enough.

Fiona

Did you hear that?

Steve

No.

Fiona

You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?

Steve

Liam?

Fiona

He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.

Fiona

You stay with Liam.

Steve

Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.

Fiona

Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.

Debbie

I... came back.

Fiona

Are you okay?

Debbie

Katie Crasden's having a party.

Fiona

Katie Crasden?

Debbie

Two streets over.

Steve

And she... didn't invite you?

Fiona

She's only three. What happened?

Debbie

Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...

Fiona

Her dad did what?

Debbie

He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.

Fiona

What wasn't fair? What?

Debbie

Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.

Fiona

Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?

Debbie

What?

Fiona

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Lip

Guys, don't get too used to this, okay?

Debbie

What?

Lip

Well, Dad's not always gonna be so nice.

Carl

Yes, he will.

Lip

No. Not when he starts drinking again, okay? He'll go back to his ways. I don't want you getting hurt.

Debbie

Hurt?

Lip

Yeah, um... Remember that turtle you had last summer?

Debbie

Walter?

Lip

Yeah, yeah, Walter. And you guys were really, really into him for like two weeks, and you talked to him and you fed him. I mean, you took him everywhere with you, right? But after a while, you know, you guys got busy with other things, so Walter's water never got changed and nobody fed him. Then like two months later, Debs, you wanted to show off Walter to your friend Susie, and you guys started looking for him and when you found him, he was all dried up and dead. Now, you see, you guys are that turtle, okay? And Dad's you. You get what I'm saying?

Carl

Dad's buying us another turtle?

Lip

No. No, no. Forget it. Never mind.

Debbie

Don't worry, Lip, I get it. Daddy's gonna forget about us when he starts drinking again. It's okay. I don't mind. I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts if that's okay.

Lip

Yeah. Sure, Debs. That's, um... That's a good plan. It took you long enough.

Debbie

We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.

Lip

Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?

Debbie

Oh, right.

Sheila

Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.

Debbie

That's like lying.

Sheila

No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.

Monica

There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.

Frank

You did PCP? Without me? You promised we would do that together.

Fiona

Excuse me, can we get back to who lan's father is?

Lip

Uh, uh, I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank. It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.

Frank

Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?

Ian

All right. The results say that you, Frank are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative. Most likely one of your brothers.

Debbie

Dad has brothers?

Lip

He has two, right?

Fiona

Three.

I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.

Debbie

I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money. Isn't that cheating?

Frank

I prefer to think of it as helping.

Debbie

You do?

Frank

Yeah. When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork. That's her job. If it wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.