Carl Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Carl

I don't get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them?

Carl

If you ever pick on asshead again, I'm gonna chew your nuts off with my teeth. [Pauses with eyes shifting side to side] And not in a gay way.

Carl

I want a fucking lawyer motherfucker!

Carl

[Unfurls the American flag in the backyard and hoisting it up on a pole á la official Army morning ritual wearing cammo fatigues and then turns to camera] America first, motherfuckers.

Carl

[Visiting JJ chained up in the basement] I see you found the little treat I left you. Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son. I understand why you did what you did, but you stole from a veteran, homey. It's a crime against America. Actions have consequences.

Carl

[At kitchen table cleaning gun before flashback scenes] Hey, back up. What do I look like, the information lady? Hell, no. I'm a law enforcement officer, emphasis on the enforcement. You need to know what happened last week on Shameless? [Aims gun at viewer] Better go find someone who actually gives a shit.

Carl

[Jogging down street says to three youths in doorway] Watch out, crackheads! Coming back for you later! [To attempting auto thief] Making a mental note of your face, shitbag! [To three women] Watch it, ladies! Might haul your asses down to the station! Yeah, that's right! You're looking at the po-po! First day on the job!

Carl

[Battling protestors demonstrating for fire truck curbs before flashback scenes] Jesus Christ! Does it look like I have time to tell you what happened on Shameless last week? Yo, back the fuck up! Back the fuck up, shit for brains! God!

Lip

Hey, Carl, you seen Ian?

Carl

Uh, gone when I woke up. [Lip walks outside to backyard to van to find Ian smoking]

Lip

[Shows Ian the binder full of clippings of bodybuilding men] How can that be good for you? Or... or... or... or that? How can that be good for you?

Ian

Yeah. You know what's not funny, huh?

Lip

Huh?

Ian

You. Ever.

Lip

Anybody before Kash?

Ian

One.

Lip

Yeah? Who?

Ian

I'm not telling you, all right?

Lip

Name a single time I've let you down.

Ian

It was a kid at school.

Lip

Yeah?

Ian

All right, I guess it doesn't really matter 'cause, I mean, he's long gone now anyways, but, uh... Roger Spikey.

Lip

Roger Spikey? Fucking donkey dick Roger Spikey? The original beefmeister? Or did he start that rumor?

Ian

Not a rumor.

Lip

Whoa, that was a bit gay. What you just did there with your eyebrows. You want to watch that.

Ian

All right, fuck off, all right?

Lip

But seriously, like... like up the ass? Do you get used to that? Can someone get used to that? I mean... I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic. It just is.

Lip

What? What?!

Ian

"Just is." Like, like, we're only given our lungs to freakin' smoke, right?

Veronica

What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.

Carl

It can be both if you want.

Lip

Guys, don't get too used to this, okay?

Debbie

What?

Lip

Well, Dad's not always gonna be so nice.

Carl

Yes, he will.

Lip

No. Not when he starts drinking again, okay? He'll go back to his ways. I don't want you getting hurt.

Debbie

Hurt?

Lip

Yeah, um... Remember that turtle you had last summer?

Debbie

Walter?

Lip

Yeah, yeah, Walter. And you guys were really, really into him for like two weeks, and you talked to him and you fed him. I mean, you took him everywhere with you, right? But after a while, you know, you guys got busy with other things, so Walter's water never got changed and nobody fed him. Then like two months later, Debs, you wanted to show off Walter to your friend Susie, and you guys started looking for him and when you found him, he was all dried up and dead. Now, you see, you guys are that turtle, okay? And Dad's you. You get what I'm saying?

Carl

Dad's buying us another turtle?

Lip

No. No, no. Forget it. Never mind.

Debbie

Don't worry, Lip, I get it. Daddy's gonna forget about us when he starts drinking again. It's okay. I don't mind. I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts if that's okay.

Lip

Yeah. Sure, Debs. That's, um... That's a good plan. It took you long enough.

My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.

Fiona

What?

Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.

Fiona

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Fiona

I thought it was a joke.

Carl

Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.

Veronica

My steak is too rare.

Fiona

Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]

Lip

What was the final tally in the purse?

Fiona

Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.

Ian

Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?

Lip

Um.... Kim Furtado.

Veronica

Some rich bitch.

Ian

In our neighborhood?

Fiona

I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.

Carl

That guy from your diary?

Fiona

Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.

Veronica

You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?

Lip

It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.

Fiona

Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.

Debbie

In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.

I can't wait to die.

Debbie

Why?

To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.

Debbie

Oh.

Lip

Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?

Fiona

Ride the L more often?

Lip

Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]

Ian

Can't believe you're cock-blocking Karen.

Lip

She has no cock. How am I blocking it?

Ian

Let her go, man.

Lip

What do you want? Huh? You wanna marry her? Be with her forever? I'm looking out for her. She's my best friend.

Ian

I'm your best friend. She's your fuck buddy.

Lip

You're my brother who should shut the fuck up.

Ian

Friends want what's best for each other.

Lip

This could be the best thing for Karen.

Ian

You know what's best for everyone?

Lip

The kid who wants to die for a country that thinks he's one of God's mistakes?

Ian

A shrink said I'm one of God's mistakes.

Lip

The girl has "whore" tattooed on her arm. She put my dick in her mouth.

Ian

What?

Lip

You need to shut the fuck up.

Ian

So what? You get her to dump the guy, stick around for when Carl gets his first woody, so she can work him too? [Lip roughly forces Ian aside and walks out the room]

Carl

I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.

Peg

[Holds up a jar] What's that? What's it look like?

Carl

A finger.

Peg

Yeah. [Holds up a gun] You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger unless you're gonna shoot someone. You like secrets? So do I. Hold out your hands. [Gives Carl the gun] Our little secret, all right?

Sheila

There are important decisions to be made. This money comes with responsibility Can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika? Trusts, tax evasion, liquidity.

Frank

As soon as Eddie's claim is settled and that check comes, we have to--

Sheila

Frank.

Frank

What?

Sheila

I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart. You're an alcoholic.

Frank

I wasn't talking about me.

Sheila

Okay.

Frank

Did you think I meant me?

Sheila

No. We need a highly experienced professional.

Frank

Yeah, that's right. And for the record, many great men have been well-lubricated. Henry Ford, Scott Fitzgerald, David Hasselhoff... they all kept a bottle close.

Karen

Mom?

Frank

Beethoven's Fifth. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Frank

Walked in on my mother and my sixth-grade teacher having sex once. That'll teach you not to play hooky. My mother's nipples were the size of sand dollars. She was on top, riding him. He's underneath, bucking like a horse who knows it's headed for the glue factory. She didn't even tell me to leave the room.

Debbie

Tell Fiona you're coaching, Jimmy?

Steve

Don't you tell her everything for me?

Debbie

Family first. Those of us with only one name find that easy to remember. Haven't told her about this, because I wasn't sure you were going to show up.

Steve

You know, I'm just trying to give back to the community, help some disadvantaged kids learn a great American sport.

[In Portuguese] He's said he's coaching football but no one is using their feet.

Carl

Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Steve

Soon. Take a knee. All right, boys. Football is all about who wants it more. When you tackle, aim low, hit hard! Who thinks they're man enough to take me down? Huh?

Debbie

You don't have pads on.

Steve

We're just... we're doing a walk-through. Okay? [Carl tackles Steve to the ground] Clean hit. I like it. [All boys laugh]

Frank

Oh... [sighs] I wish I'd had a girl coach. I'd totally tap that.

Yeah. I love long hair.

Frank

No, no, no. The one with the little brunette pixieish cut. Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow. No titties, all ass. Just sit and spin her all night long. Heaven.

I- I think that's a dude.