VDr. Vega
[Glancing at computer] I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 UTI, and a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, so can you tell me why you're here when I just saw you two weeks ago?
We've been banging like bunnies And I can't get pregnant. I need another exam.
VDr. Vega
It won't change anything.
But you said last time I had a chance of getting pregnant.
VDr. Vega
I believe I said you had very little chance. I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable."
CarolYou got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
VDr. Vega
I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion with upbeat and positive phrasings.
I need to know the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?
VDr. Vega
Put is this way, you have a 99.999 chance of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.
BKBoth Kevin and Carol
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, Not sex!
Carol
What is the difference?!
It's clinical. So no one enjoys it. Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster. This will deliver the biggest batch. The bigger the batch, the better the chance.
Carol
Uh-uh. No, honey.
This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.
I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby That I know you want... and the grandbaby that you deserve. But I can't. And it kills me. Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.
Carol
[Groans] What kind of hard liquor you got and how much? [Exhales]
I'm like a stud bull. You open the barn door, slap me on the ass. You know, I mean, when I say, "open the barn door," all right, I'm gonna block everything out, and I'm just gonna picture your beautiful face.
Carol
I picture Denzel Washington.
Carol
When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy, eh, then I go with Johnny Depp.
[Veronica is walking quickly down hospital hall with Carol following after her and Kevin following behind]
Carol
Veronica, I promise, I swear I had no idea.
Ladies, please. [Veronica shoves Carol] V, that's not right. [Brings up phone] Although I should probably record this... in case we wanna upload it to our site. Make money. Just watch her belly.
Just trying to keep the peace.
Carol
I didn't know.
You know. You're a walking pee stick.
Carol
In the past. This time... There's no; this time.
You kept quiet because you wanted to keep fucking my husband. [To couple sitting nearby] What the fuck are you looking at, huh?! My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant! Can't all have our baby normal!
Hey, what can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
Carol
Okay. Okay, I thought I might be pregnant.
Carol
But, honey, look, I didn't know. I didn't take a test. I didn't wanna know.
Carol
Because I liked what we had.
Carol
Not what we, me and Kev had. What we all had.
What are you talking about?
Carol
I was so lonely. When you called me to help out, it made me feel wanted. Wanted in a loving way. In a family way. Needed. Important.
[Holds up fetus photo talking in a squeaky voice] Hey, I'm the baby fetus. Please don't fight anymore. I know Kev is a big hot stud and you couldn't resist his giant cock penis... but I'm all that matters now, right?
Mama, stop. I'm not a cow.
Carol
Look, you got to grab this tіt, and you got to massage it till you get the milk ducts flowing, girl.
...
No, I'm done. No more breast feeding.
What are you talking about?
I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.
No. No, no, no, absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma, and be short, and have no friends.
Kev, kids in this neighborhood are raised on Kool-Aid and powdered milk. Formula's a step up.
Could you stop doing that, please?
Carol
Doing what?
Acting all knowing about my husband.
Carol
If the shoe fits...
You don't have to rub my nose in it, Mother.
Carol
You never ever let a good-earning, good-looking, good-in-the-sheets man like your Kev off a leash, unless you're ready for him to run wild in the neighborhood sniffing after every bitch he sees.
I didn't know that he was gonna round up half of Delta Delta Sluta for a dip-the-stick marathon.
Carol
A thirsty man coming out the desert is bound to take a drink.
Carol
A man only has one kind of camel to ride for many years. That camel run off, he gonna try to take a few other rides out for a spin before he decides which one he's gonna drive off the lot.
That was, like, 15 different insulting metaphors all mashed up into one incredibly nasty sentence.
Carol
So your man likes lemons? Make yourself some lemonade.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Carol
Dress up like a little girl, if that's what he likes now. Go to one of those, uh... Forever 15 stores in the mall, buy yourself some of those cheap little-girl college clothes. Make your man happy.
Carol
Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together to study your word and bask in your glory. Amen.
BSBible study group
Amen.
Carol
Who else would like to show the Lord his gratitude?
Right here, Carol. Lord, please let my baby girls grow up to have wicked backhands and 120 mile-per-hour serves.
Carol
This is Bible study, Kevin. We're here to praise Jesus, not ask him for favors.
Right. Right, I'm sorry. Can I just do one more real quick? Jesus, please help Yanis rest in peace so I can get some rest and not have panic attacks, and not soil my pants.
Carol
Is that everybody?
Carol
Well, I'll see you next week. There's coffee and muffins in the kitchen.
They're a day old, but no mold. I checked. Praise Jesus.
Carol
Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host the foster child we're receiving this morning. Thank you for coming.
Carol
Bless you, Kevin. He's on his way from Myanmar to a dairy farm in Wisconsin. Oh, it- it- it's only for a couple of days. Oh, this is- praise Jesus. Thank you. Oh.
It's a kid in need. If I do God a solid, he'll do me one. Eye for an eye.
That is not what "eye for an eye" means.
Oh, how do you know what the good book means? You were doing your nails the whole time.
Forget that barbecued Greek. It wasn't your fault.
Of course it was. What are you talking about, V? If it wasn't for me, Yanis would still be alive. Please, baby.
Shameless · 903 quotes
