Kevin Ball quotes from Shameless

Kevin

Besides, MMA chicks are super hot. It must be kind of weird dating a chick who can kick your ass.

Kevin

V, do you know Southerners have 80 different ways of saying "I did not know that"? Listen. "Well, slap my ass and call me Sally." "Well, sit on my face and call me Bernard." Who's Bernard?

Frank

Nobody's saying our neighborhood is the Garden of Eden. Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether, but it's been a good home to us, to me and my kids, who I'm proud of, 'cause every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me. Fiona, my rock, huge help. Has all the best qualities of her mother, except she's not a raging psycho bitch. Blow. Lip, smart as a whip. Straight "A"s and the honor roll. Boy's definitely going somewhere. [Lip is running at full sprint from two police officers hot on his tail]

You, come back! Stop!

Frank

Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic. Don't have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper. Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock. Carl. Uh, I don't really know that much about Carl. Oh, loves animals. Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room. [Carl holds up a cat and blowtorch.] Ah, Debbie. Sent by God, total angel. Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in. Liam, going to be a star. I'm no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor. He and the ex were close. Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors. There's nothing the won't do for each other. Or to each other. [Kevin and Veronica are performing BDSM]

Kevin

That didn't hurt half as much as I thought it would!

Frank

I never realized how little sex I was having till V and Kev moved next door. And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, knows the most important thing in this life... we know how to fucking party! [Multiple police cruisers arrive driving over the lawn and start mass arresting the specatcle attendees]

No! Fuck you, man!

Kevin

[He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.

Veronica

What?

Kevin

[Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!

Fiona

Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.

Steve

Tall grande latte, two shots.

Fiona

Sugar?

Steve

Absolutely. Kids home?

Fiona

Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.

Steve

That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.

Fiona

Lunch?

Steve

It's a euphemism.

Fiona

How quaint.

Steve

Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?

Fiona

Liam?

Steve

Get a sitter.

Fiona

Costs too much.

Steve

How much?

Fiona

At least 50 bucks.

Fiona

You're not paying me to fuck you.

Steve

No, I couldn't pay you enough.

Fiona

Did you hear that?

Steve

No.

Fiona

You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?

Steve

Liam?

Fiona

He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.

Fiona

You stay with Liam.

Steve

Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.

Fiona

Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.

Debbie

I... came back.

Fiona

Are you okay?

Debbie

Katie Crasden's having a party.

Fiona

Katie Crasden?

Debbie

Two streets over.

Steve

And she... didn't invite you?

Fiona

She's only three. What happened?

Debbie

Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...

Fiona

Her dad did what?

Debbie

He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.

Fiona

What wasn't fair? What?

Debbie

Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.

Fiona

Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?

Debbie

What?

Fiona

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Fiona

Jesus, Frank! Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car?

Frank

Did they follow you here? Where is it? I was invited to participate in a business venture.

Fiona

What did you do with the money?

Frank

That's just it! I wasn't given any money up front! I was simply promised that money would be shared with me once an insurance claim was... was settled.

Fiona

Has that promise been delivered upon?

Frank

No. No, it has not.

Fiona

I warned you, Frank. [To Kevin] You knew about this and you didn't tell me?

Kevin

Fi, I don't have the time to call you every time Frank has a bad idea.

Frank

I'll talk to them.

Fiona

Oh, yeah? And say what? "Hey guys, sorry I forgot to light the car on fire."

Frank

I was not doing the igniting. I was just doing the "park in a remote location." Unfortunately, I had to make a pit stop, and when I got back, the car was gone.

Fiona

You're gonna take care of this. Now.

Frank

Could go to Jersey for a while. Stay with you. Great Uncle George.

Fiona

No. You're staying here, and you're gonna take care of this car, 'cause you're also gonna be here to take care of Carl. [Presents a notice letter from school] He needs you to show up for him at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems. [Flashback to Carl assaulting other boys]

Frank

These sound like solutions, not problems.

Fiona

The school disagrees.

Frank

He's a boy. This is what boys do! When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's finger.

Fiona

Oh, that's got to be bullshit.

Frank

Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex. She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.

Fiona

They're threatening to expel him. Well, go talk 'em out of it. They want a parent. A real parent.

Kevin

Oh, I guess you're off the hook then, Frank.

Frank

I have never been threatened by teachers, and I am not going to start now. I am fed up with these pangender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles! They want to remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters. Well, do your research! We're all descendents of barbarians, and the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating. So, hell no, I won't go, 'cause no one scares Frank Gallagher!

Frank

Oh, shit. [He runs out back door]

Frank

Set 'em up, Mr. Barkeep.

Kevin

Just had last call, Frank.

Frank

So there's still time.

Kevin

All right. One.

Frank

Rot-gut. Cheapest stuff you got in the house. [Kevin pours him several shots in one glass at Frank's insistence] So, uh, Kev. Just out of curiosity, do you happen to know the age of consent in Illinois? [Kevin stares at him totally unimpressed and walks away]

Eddie

Where is he?

Kevin

Where is who?

Eddie

Frank. Frank Gallagher!

Kevin

He's not here!

Eddie

If you happen to see Frank... tell him he's a dead man. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care how much he begs, he's fucking dead. You fucked the wrong guy's daughter, Gallagher!

Frank

He gone?

Kevin

Yeah.

Frank

Anybody got a spare pair of shoes I could borrow?

Frank

It's over.

Kevin

I always thought agoraphobia was permanent, like autism or AIDS.

Frank

She'll be out in the world, she'll go back to work, she'll learn the truth.

Kevin

That you're a raging alcoholic?

Who owes money to everyone?

Kevin

Who's had sex with her daughter?

Frank

It's not sex if you can't remember it.

Kevin

Well, then you're a virgin, Frank.

Frank

Gonna be out on my butt in weeks.

Kevin

Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?

Frank

I don't like them and they don't like me.

Tommy

Frank squatted at my place for six months. Finally bought tear gas, smoked him out.

I gave myself crabs to get him out of my place.

Frank

It wasn't the crabs, it was your empty fridge. Laugh, laugh. If laughing at me is good for your self-worth, laugh on. My gift.

Frank

On the house? I'm in mourning.

Kevin

Freebies for family only, Frank.

Frank

Then start the mother of all tabs. Once Eddie's life insurance money kicks in, moderation's gonna be a thing of the past.

Kevin

Moderation?

How much you talking about?

Frank

City life. Got to be 50k at least. A toast, to Eddie Jackson. Who had the foresight to take care of those he loved.

Kevin

I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Frank. You're not the only one interested in Eddie's life insurance. Police are asking a lot of questions. [Motions head to two police officers questioning patrons in the bar]

Frank

So?

Kevin

Eddie was weighed down with a cement block.

Frank

So?

Kevin

So, everyone here heard Eddie threaten to kill you.

Frank

Threaten me, not the other way around. Murder's not my bag. I don't have the constitution. Blood makes me queasy.

And I didn't plant that pipe bomb down at the mosque, but it was on my route, so the pigs got a warrant. Never would have found the videos otherwise. I served 18 goddamn months. If Curtis didn't want his wife filmed naked, he shouldn't have left the blinds open when he took her out of her wheelchair to change her diaper.

You got any skeletons, Frank?

Frank

None that come to mind.

Kevin

Identity theft.

Frank

Simple misunderstanding.

Kevin

Endangering the welfare of a child, human trafficking, drug running, medicaid fraud, disability fraud, mail fraud...

The longer they look, the more they'll find.

Kevin

Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin

Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

Sheila

Quiet, please.

Jody

Quiet, everyone.

Sheila

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody

That's right, Mom.

Hear, hear.

Sheila

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

Sheila

People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Oh.

Sheila

And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila

Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona

Frank.

Frank

Let them work it out.

Sheila

And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin

Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

Kevin

What do you make of these?

Kermit

Three of the most boring states of our country.

Kevin

My foster daughter's been sending these. I'm trying to figure out where she's going or why she left.

Kermit

"Having a nice time in Kansas. Ethel."

Kevin

What does it mean?

Kermit

If I had to guess... she's having a nice time in Kansas. -

Tommy

Or she's being held at gunpoint... forced to write that.

Kevin

Like I'm not worried enough.

Tommy

Just saying, you should get these postcards DNA tested. See if there's other fingerprints.

Kermit

That's not gonna prove anything. You know how many people have touched this postcard?

Tommy

Then throw a blue light on it. Check if there's any blood or sweat. Or semen. That'll tell a lot.

Kermit

Could be right. Many foster kids become prostitutes.

Kevin

Jesus. Give me those. There's no semen on them and my kid's not a prostitute. Social Services is on it.

Tommy

Like they're on my sister's welfare checks that keep getting stolen?

[Appears wearing nothing but a jockstrap] I gotta go to my game. I'll see you guys later, okay? [Chuckles]

Kevin

Stan, what the fuck are you doing?!

Tommy

Holy shit. Look at the hog on Stan.

Baseball game, what do you think?

Kermit

I've heard rumors about that thing.

Kevin

Go to your apartment.

Get your hands off me, knucklehead. You're gonna make me late.

Kevin

You don't have a baseball game.

Yes, I do. It's at Archer Field. I saw it today on my calendar.

Kevin

Your calendar from 1984? Come on, let's go upstairs.

Who's gonna play first base?

Kevin

You know, I just got a call. They canceled the game.

Oh, jeez. And I had a lot of money on it too. Damn it. Damn it.

Kevin

[Snorts cocaine] Whoo! Whoo, that shit is awesome!

Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago. [Kevin laughs]

Steve

[Shows up with Estefania] So this is where the party's at.

Kevin

What's up, you dirty fucker?! How's it hanging?!

Steve

Long and hairy, hard to carry! [Kevin laughs]

Kevin

[Laughs] I miss you, man!

Steve

Sure that's not the drugs talking?!

Kevin

It might be! [Laughs]

Steve

You remember Kev and the gang, right?

[Greets in Portuguese] Hola!

[Jumps up] Ooh, I love this song! Estefania, let's go dance! Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?! Ooh, you are so sexy! Come here! [Takes Estefania away]

Kevin

What are you waiting for?! Drop trou! Jump in!

Steve

All right.

Kevin

[Veronica splashes him] What?!

Fiona

Oh.... [Laughs]

Veronica

Ooh!

Steve

What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.

Kevin

Ah....

Steve

[Gets in jacuzzi and to Fiona] Hey. All right. [Fiona gets up out of jacuzzi] Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.

Kevin

I like your bathing suit.

Steve

Thank you.

Frank

I'll tell you this. For all of their laziness and lack of motivation, the Mexicans are a lovely people.

Tommy

Why'd you go down there, Frank? Hey, I'll take another, Kev.

Frank

Sometimes a man just has to get away, be alone with his thoughts.

Tommy

[Kevin slides bottle to Tommy and Frank intercepts it, uncaps and takes a sip with Tommy snatching it from Frank, wiping the bottle top on his shirt] Hey! Jesus. So what, you woke up from a drunken stupor, ddidn't know where you were?

Frank

I knew exactly where I was. Had a business opportunity With our south-of-the-border brothers. What did you do to your foot?

Kevin

It fell off. Was the only prosthetic I could afford.

Tommy

What kind of business opportunity?

Frank

I was hired to move some inventory.

Tommy

Drug mule?

Frank

Only the best the Mexicanos have ever seen.

Tommy

Not something you really want to be bragging about, Frank. Which end did it go in?

Frank

Tommy! Hey, you still got that garage?

Tommy

Yeah, it kinda comes with the house, Frank.

Frank

Great. What say you let me sleep there?

Tommy

What say I don't.

Frank

Why the hell not?

Tommy

Because the last time you stayed at my place, you shit in my kitchen sink.

Frank

The layout of your home is very confusing.

Tommy

No, Frank. No means no. [Holds up middle finger]

Frank

Fuck you, Tommy. Fuck you means fuck you.

Frank

Kermit! My best friend.

Kermit

You can't stay with me, Frank.

Frank

Wh--what if I suck your dick?

Kevin

Frank. What if you immigrate to Mexico, Frank? Reverse the prevailing tide.

Frank

Why are you even here? Should be collecting disability. 'cause I didn't injure my foot at work. Hey, let me crash at your place. I'll tell the insurance company that you did.

Why can't you stay at your place, Frank?

Frank

Ungrateful little shits! That's why. Things I do for them. Blood, sweat, and tears. [Phone rings at bar] This is not how a family treats each other.

[Answers phone] Yeah. Hang on. [Hands phone to Kevin] It's for you. V.

Kevin

Hey, baby, what's going on? What? No, yeah, okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Watch the bar. [Walks away]

Frank

Little redheaded bitch is the worst of 'em. Expect it from the others, but not from- not from- from... Her- Debbie. Orphan Annie turned on me. That's how I got all these bruises. She hit me. With a bat. Now, I can't touch her. No. That is child abuse. I'd get reported. [Has an epiphany and makes call hiding behind coffee maker] Operator, can you connect me with child welfare ser- services? Yes, hello. I would like to report, uh... a- a negligence situation. 2119 North Wallace. Gallagher. Six kids living in squalor. No parental supervision. When the father is there, he's drunk. He hits them. Not--n-not that they don't deserve it. They're all criminals, delinquents, vio- what? No, if it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous. No, thank you. And God bless you.

[Listening nearby] That is an all-time low. Even for you, Frank.

Kevin

Oh, my god, you are so unbelievably tasty right now.

Veronica

[Giggles] Don't wait for me.

Kevin

What, are you charging by the minute, madam v?

Veronica

Yes.

Kevin

Well, thank you for watching my wallet, you dirty little whore.

Veronica

I am a dirty little whore. Put me on my back, would you, please?

Kevin

Oh, hello. Oh, you've been working on your kegels. Oh. Oh, you're flexing it. Oh, you're flexing, Oh, you're flexing that. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Veronica

Roll over, hulk hogans.

Kevin

You want me to finish you off?

Veronica

I'm good, hon. We got to save your sperm for baby-making.

Kevin

This was a baby-making session?

Veronica

Hoping so.

Kevin

You cool?

Veronica

Yeah.

Kevin

Yeah, it just- I just wish you had given me a heads-up before I went with the whole whore thing. You know, I don't want our kid's first impression of you to be that you're a whore.

Veronica

It was making you hot. Hot is good. We got to help your spermies rocket to my egg.

Kevin

Well, just don't be upside-down too long. My sperm get dizzy.