Svetlana quotes from Shameless

Svetlana

Next time you miss Shameless, I cut off your testicles and feed it to homeless dog who lives behind Alibi. But today, you get free pass. I tell you. [Deliberately plops down drink in a sloppy manner spilling it to camera view]

Debbie

Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him?

Debbie

Nothing? Not even a call or a text?

Mandy

Sorry. [Mandy's face seems to say "How naive are you? Can't you tell that I want you to go away?]

Debbie

So you want to know how Lip's doing?

Mandy

Not really. [Mandy's face says "I can't possibly care less about that douche]

Debbie

He's in college.

Mandy

[Mandy puts on a forced sarcastic smile] Good for him!

Mickey

This is a bunch of bills, chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons. What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?

No, apartment complex over by Rush. There's an ATM card.

Mickey

Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number. What are you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the pin? [Makes a look of absolute disgust to him]

Mickey

[To Svetlana] Hey, you. This is all you made yesterday?

Svetlana

I give you everything.

Mickey

All $220?

Mickey

How many Johnsons did you squash?

Svetlana

17

Mickey

That's, like, 12 bucks a wank! [To Mandy] Who was at the door?

Mandy

Debbie Gallagher.

Mickey

What'd she want?

Mandy

She was looking for Ian. Seen him?

Mickey

Why do you care?

Mandy

I don't. Said Lip was doing good in college.

Svetlana

So you are Rainbow Boy now?

Mickey

The fuck you do to your hair?

Svetlana

You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?

Mickey

I look shitty in pink.

Mickey

What the fuck?

Svetlana

You like the penis, yes?

Mickey

Not when there's tits directly above it.

Svetlana

You want it up in your poop place?

Mickey

No, I don't-- I want you-- fucking-- I want you to put it away. Can you put that away? Put that fucking thing away, please? Thank you.

Svetlana

You love him?

Mickey

Maybe. I don't know.

Svetlana

Because he has a real penis?

Mickey

Yeah, I guess.

Svetlana

I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick. Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penis is staring at you, hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America-- it's land of choices, yes? Freedom to be me. Freedom to be you. McDonald's, Burger King on same block. You choose. One, both. Shit, maybe we go to Wendy's instead.

Mickey

Hold-- you're a lesbian?

Svetlana

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Svetlana

Why you done with public pool? Someone shit in it?

Debbie

No.

Svetlana

Someone shit on you?

Debbie

Sort of. Can you teach me how it all works?

Svetlana

How what works?

Debbie

How you make guys want you, and when they do, what do you actually do? I mean, I've seen porn, but I'm not sure I understand all the technicalities. And you're a professional, so I figure you're the best person to ask. And please don't accuse me of being retarded or a child, because I'm neither

Kevin

What's up, babe?

Veronica

What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?

Kevin

You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.

Veronica

Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?

Kevin

All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.

Veronica

You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.

Kevin

God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.

Fiona

Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.

Debbie

Hey, Fiona. Hey, V.

Fiona

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?

Svetlana

Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.

Fiona

What happened to your hair?

Veronica

If it was lice again, I could have washed it.

Kevin

No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.

Veronica

I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?

Kevin

V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

Veronica

You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.

Fiona

Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.

Veronica

Who the fuck are you?

Kevin

It's just a fucking haircut.

Fiona

Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.

Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.

Mandy

But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.

But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.

Mandy

But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.

[Moans in pleasure] Yes.

Mickey

Really fast!

What-- what is this?

Ian

That's a good one.

Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?

Ian

Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?

Oh, my God.

Debbie

It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?

Kevin

It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...

Debbie

What? I look like a what?

Carl

Whoa, you look like a hooker.

Debbie

You think?

Fiona

That is not a compliment, Debbie.

Debbie

From Carl?

Carl

Totally is. Hookers are hot.

Debbie

See?

Fiona

Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?

Debbie

I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?

Fiona

Your friends still aren't talking to you?

Debbie

What friends?

Fiona

You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.

Debbie

Fine.

Fiona

What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?

Debbie

Yeah.

Svetlana

I call police.

Mickey

The hell you will.

Svetlana

No, I call police because Crazy Carrot Boy took my baby.

Mickey

You call the cops, I'm gonna tell them I said Ian could take the baby on a trip. Who do you think they're gonna believe, huh? Illegal Russian fucking hand-whore or card-carrying, apple pie-eating, "Born on the Fourth of July" American fucking citizen?

Svetlana

Pregnant hand-whore, who is also mother, they will believe.

Where's my change?

Svetlana

In tip jar.

I wasn't planning on tipping five bucks.

Svetlana

Exactly.

What's her problem?

Kevin

Well, her dad sold her into sexual slavery. Pretty much put her in a bad mood for life.

What's that accent, Polish?

Kevin

It's Russian.

So she wasn't born here.

Kevin

Sent over in a shipping crate.

You pay her under the table?

Kevin

Shit, yeah. How do you think this place stays open?

Excuse me. I'm Officer Lester Hibbert from United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.

Kevin

Wait, what?

According to your boss, you came to this country illegally.

Svetlana

Nice.

Kevin

I didn't know he was whatever he said.

I came here to unwind. You treated me like shit. And then you took my last five bucks. [Motions to a table] Now we're gonna have a conversation.

Veronica

He's with Immigration?

Kevin

I had no idea. I didn't see his badge.

Kevin

[Comes down stairs to find Veronica and Svetlana asleep on couch] What's with the slumber party?

Veronica

Oh. The babies awake?

Kevin

Not yet. You didn't come to bed.

Veronica

Oh, we were celebrating, and I fell asleep.

Kevin

Celebrating what?

Svetlana

I get divorce. Woot woot!

Veronica

The papers came through. Lana is single.

Svetlana

Mm!

Veronica

Lana?

Svetlana

Yes, what V calls me.

Kevin

What, you have a pet name for her?

Veronica

It helps sell it.

Kevin

Sell what?

Svetlana

Our loving dyke. [Svetlana grabs Veronica's breast with both laughing]

Kevin

No. No, no, no, no, no. We dropped the whole marriage idea.

Svetlana

You drop.

Kevin

I'm not talking to you. V, marriage is a sacred institution.

Veronica

It's just for immigration.

Kevin

You're talking about being married to another person.

Veronica

You are.

Kevin

Yeah, okay, so? But- look, you and I aren't married on paper, right? But that doesn't change how I feel.

Veronica

Me neither. It's not a big deal.

Svetlana

Give blessing. Is least you can do.

Kevin

Hey, you the one who outed her to the INS. Stop ganging up on me. There are other options besides marriage.

Veronica

What? Immigration is gonna put her back on the next boat to Moscow.

Kevin

I'll figure it out.

Svetlana

No time.

Kevin

I'll fix it by the end of the day, okay? Just... no more pet names.

Veronica

And then she picked up my babies, one on each hip, and she whispered into their ears and they both stopped crying immediately, and I was like, "Damn. This crazy Russian is magical." I knew then that I wanted her in my life forever.

And, Mrs. Fisher, when did you first realize you were in love with Mrs. Fisher?

Svetlana

Oh, first time I saw her. We were in bar where we work. This thing happened... [speaks Russian]. It's when your eyes, they climb onto your head. This happened to me.

Well, your individual interview answers line up for the most part and your joint interview has been shockingly credible. I've been at this job eight years. Never seen a setup quite like this.

Veronica

So did we pass?

Well, I don't buy a word of it, but so far I don't have any evidence to the contrary. I'll review your documents, follow through with family and friends. I'll make a few more follow-up visits. Can't wait to see how far you ladies take this.

Veronica

Kevin, family meeting!

Kevin

Coming! Took a little longer to get ready!

Svetlana

Kevin!

Kevin

[Comes down stairs wearing nothing but a stuffed pink elephant over crotch] Ready for our family meeting.

Svetlana

This is about family finances.

Kevin

Mm.

Veronica

Svetlana's been going over our bills and income from the bar.

Svetlana

Sit. Sit! We need to increase our revenues and improve our P&L immediately! You have no life insurance, 401ks, 529s, you have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast! Our yield on gross revenues are shit!

Kevin

I'm sorry, are- are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kinda took a Viagra.

Veronica

That's Kev.

Kevin

Check it out, sister-wives!

Veronica

We gonna ride around in that?!

Kevin

Right? [Laughs] Whoo!

Svetlana

You know, my tits are smaller than this.

Kevin

Our customers won't mind. Hey, pal. Uh, topless maids that actually clean. Pass it along.

Veronica

Where are the kids?

Kevin

Check it out! Custom-built! Are you ready for this?! What do you think?! Is that genius or what?! They love it! They can't... Look at 'em! Look at! They love it!

Veronica

What's that smell?!

Kevin

That's not coming from the van. [To man] Excuse me, sir. This is a legitimate business here. [Svetlana and the man start yelling at each other with the man slapping Svetlana who then headbutts him and they wrestle on the ground with Kevin and Veronica pulling them apart] I got... I got... shit! What the fuck is going on here?!

Svetlana

This is my father. He's staying with us for a while.

Kevin

Why is he covered in shit, Lana?

Svetlana

He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.

Veronica

He can't stay with us.

Kevin

He's covered in tattoos. Is that a penis fucking a skull?

Veronica

Kev, he sold her into sex slavery.

Kevin

Yeah, he can't stay with us.

Veronica

Tell her.

Kevin

Hey, Svet'. Yo. Uh, he can't stay with us.

Veronica

Yeah, sorry, we discussed it, and we just don't think it's a good idea.

Svetlana

So, we live together. We love together. We even raise babies together. But this decision we do not make together?

Kevin

She's right.

Veronica

We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.

Svetlana

Ah, he's good for babies. Sweet. He is also good behind bar. He solves bartender problem while we go out and do titty van business so we can save money for college for babies.

Veronica

You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English?

Svetlana

English does not matter. Make drink. Take money. Hurt people who do not pay money. I grew up in his bar. Everything I know, I learn from this man.

Kevin

I'll go get him some clothes.

Veronica

Don't you dare leave.

Veronica

I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.

Svetlana

He kept roof over my head and borscht in my bowl until I was ten years old, ready to work on corner. For this, I owe him. I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.

Veronica

You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America?

Svetlana

This is land of free, home of brave. And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.

Kevin

She's got a point.

Veronica

Shut up, Kev!

Kevin

I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot too.

Veronica

You know what...

Svetlana

Enough! We strip now. Pimp, watch babies.

Kevin

I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.

Svetlana

Yeah. He's working on something for bar, to help. It's a surprise.

Kevin

Oh, sweet. You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.

Svetlana

It was potato sack. It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20." [She wets her white shirt sans bra with nipples appearing to Kevin's excitement]

Debbie

[Arrives] Hey. Is The Alibi hiring?

Kevin

Who's asking?

Debbie

Me. I need a job with child care.

Kevin

Okay, A, you're underage. You can't even work in a bar. And, B, we don't have real employees. We got spouses and parents. And, C, I am at peak baby. Three, and I max out. See you inside.

Svetlana

Why you need job?

Debbie

Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.

Svetlana

Find husband. I have both husband and wife. I have someone to watch my son 24/7. I have job. I am kept woman. You want good life? Find someone to keep you.

Debbie

I don't need to be kept. I'm a strong woman.

Svetlana

Don't be strong woman. Strong women weather storms. You want to be the storm.

Debbie

How?

Svetlana

You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate. And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.

Debbie

All right! I got this thing together. I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool. Hellraiser II is playing. Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s. Just kidding. We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.

Veronica

Kev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.

Kevin

The Knife thing. I know.

Veronica

That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.

Kevin

How does he look at them?

Veronica

Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.

Kevin

That's insane. You know, you sound like an insane person. You know that, right?

Veronica

Do I?

Kevin

Yeah. You do. [Yvon appears] What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up. What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least. You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go... Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs. I'll be right back. We are not doing Tinder. Tinder is for hookups. And we don't want hookup. We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman. But for what?

Veronica

How are the books comin', Lana?

Svetlana

Ah, much better with reduced overhead. Now we just have to collect running tabs from regulars who don't pay.

Kevin

Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps. Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy are makin' money.

Svetlana

Ha, breaking even. We are getting out of tax debt.

Veronica

Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns? We're married.

Kevin

We got tax returns?!

Svetlana

We can claim as dependents, but we would have to do adoption.

Kevin

Whose kids are we adopting?

Veronica

She and I would adopt each others' since we're married.

Svetlana

We would save money on write-offs and become legitimate family.

Kevin

Wait, wait, wait. So, V adopts Yevgeny. Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?

Svetlana

That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.

[In Russian] Big stupid man needs a shower.

Veronica

He either said, "I burnt your breakfast," or, "I f*cked up your eggs."

Svetlana

He said, "Good morning."

Kevin

[Holds eggs up to eyes laughing to entertain children] Hey...